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I think I quit


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My 20 years anniversary is coming up, 20 years of having this virus anyway. I was engaged to a man who knew he had it but was afraid to tell me. You can imagine my surprise when I contracted it. After all these years, I get it. I understand it was hard for him to have that conversation and that he as scared. I honestly don't know what would have happened if he had told me. I know I would have done my research and been educated about my decision. It would have been nice to have had that chance. Long story short, I was never married and learned to live a different type of life.

 

After 20 years of having the "talk" or relationships ending because my partner could never be comfortable with the risk, I think I quit.  I have had my last talk where I watch as the look slowly changes on his face and I have to work hard to keep the heartache and disappointment at bay. I am just going to close up shop, stop waxing, and braid everything shut. If there's an H equivalent of a convent sign me up.

 

Don't get me wrong, I want what every girl wants. To grow old with someone, to have lazy Sunday mornings and hold hands for no reason. It seems the only partners available on the H sites are gentlemen looking for friends with benefits or simply seeking someone different from me. Its been ten years since my last boyfriend and I think my fear of rejection has finally crippled me. I don't think I'll die alone or with a life unfulfilled. My life is amazing. It's just every once in a while I get lonely for the one thing it seems I will never have - a partner.

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I can feel the heartache in this post, a sense of numbness ... I can feel your heart wanting to open up and just not being given the chance. I can hear so much compassion in your first paragraph ... your understanding how difficult it is to have the herpes disclosure talk. And it does take a lot to do what you have done, to stay fully in your integrity and tell all the potential partners that you have told, to risk potential partners rejecting you because of fear, stigma or general miseducation about a simple, harmless virus. It does suck that so many people have such a negative view of something that is really only a skin condition — "acne genitalis." It takes a strong person to continue down the path of honesty like you have. And I want to say thank you. Thank you for your strength of character. You don't have to tell potential partners; many people don't. But you have. And that's commendable. It shows what kind of a person you are, deep down. You're someone who gives a shit.

And it certainly is up to you whether you want to join the H convent. I totally get the frustration and the buildup of anxiety that can come with working up a disclosure and it not turning out the way you had hoped. And sometimes what seem to be rejections are actually filters to get you past the people who won't work for you. Whether or not you choose to go it alone, I have a feeling that there is still quite a few good, heartfelt men out there who would love to be with such a trustworthy, honest and loving woman such as yourself, herpes or not (I can only imagine the amount of love you have based solely on these words in your post). Because it's not about what you have, but about who you are. That's what matters. Some people are able to see that more than others. 

Remember, I will support you in whatever decision you make, but just know that we'll be here for you if you need anything, whether it's to vent your frustrations or celebrate your victories. Much love, DesignDiva. 

Notes:

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Thank you for your kind words. I confess I am in a bit of a funk. I met a guy I really liked and on our fourth date I was bracing my self for the "talk". The whole time we dated I had this insecurity that was eating at me and I was never completely uncomfortable. There was one moment of crazy where I peaked in his medicine cabinet hoping for a Valtrex prescription. This is not my proudest moment. I lucked out. Turns out he wants to try and get serious with another girl he is dating and I am off the hook (yay me).

 

I am happy for him and I want to be friends but I really don't like the insecure person that leaked out when we went from friends to dating. That is not who I am, at least not who I want to be. I really like what people have to say here, and I am looking forward to learning more.

 

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  • 2 weeks later...

DD, on the insecurity front, wow I totally know how you are feeling.  What brings me solace is that if I cannot be ok with my herpes virus nobody else is going to be ok with it.  Being ashamed or hiding from it is implying that you did something wrong.  YOU DID NOTHING WRONG.  You got it making a choice that millions of people make every day.  Sometimes faking courage is the same as having courage and I am confident that you will turn the corner, get out of this funk.  We all get in them sometimes but just be gentle and patient with yourself. :)

Elle
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