Hook ups

[kaybee]

I reconnected with an old friend a few weeks ago. We talked for a week over text and finally met up to talk and one thing lead to another...suddenly we were passionately making out and I told him I was on my period (which was true).. We continued hooking up (mainly grinding with clothes on/making out sorry for the TMI!). It was so intimate and hot, I've never wanted to sleep with someone so badly. We met up again the next night and the same thing happened... We can't be together because we go to different colleges (long distance is just too much...and he's mutual friends with my ex boyfriend) but we were close friends for years in high school and im extremelyyy attracted to him. This is the first time we have ever hooked up (he had a long term gf in highschool) and it felt long overdue and perfect. We are planning to meet up in a week and obviously the period excuse will no longer apply and I'm not sure what to do... I don't think I can handle disclosing to someone who I don't plan to date... I think it would potentially scare him. I don't see why he'd want to take any risk just for a hookup, but I'm so attracted to him and haven't stopped thinking about those two nights together. Any advice would be greatly appreciated :(

[kaybee]

Also I have sucessfully disclosed to two one night stands, but I was drunk and they were guys I met in college so it seemed easier for some reason. I think disclosing to someone who knew me all of high school (I was diagnosed freshman year of college) seems so much worse...

[seeker]

You have to disclose. Put yourself in the other persons shoes. Which is worse, disclosing with possible rejection or not disclosing and he gets H ( and possibly unwittingly spreads it)(or worse angrily spreads it purposely)?

And why are you showing more concern and respect for 1 night stands than a long term friend?

[kaybee]

I know I have to disclose or just not sleep with him, I was more looking for advice on how to do it in this situation not judgment but thanks. It's not that I have more concern for a one night stand than a close friend, I just feel really uncomfortable telling someone who knew me for so long before my diagnose because I don't want him to see me differently or potentially tell any mutual friends...not that I necessarily think he will but it's a possibility.

[PositivelyBeautiful]

Hey Kaybee, that's definitely not an easy situation to be in and I understand your concern. If he is a good friend and you've known him for years, perhaps he will be more accepting of the situation than you think. If he doesn't want to take the risk, he may still be compassionate and supportive, and be a good reminder than people will care for you regardless of this skin condition. Is there a reason to automatically think he will reject the idea of the hookup? And if he does, do you get the sense he would still be compassionate and caring? I don't think there is an easy answer here. But someone reminded me last night of the saying: 'you regret the things you didn't do more than the things you did'... meaning, the only way to really find out if he would be willing is to put it out there, and allow the cards to fall where they may. If you walk away and not tell him, will you regret it and wish you would have taken a chance and disclosed? That's a question only you can answer. Personally, I think I would use this as opportunity to practice being vulnerable, because it is someone that I know, and would have known for a while. I would like to think that they would be more compassionate and understanding than someone I just met. However, perhaps that's wishful thinking. I know this is scary for you, no one wants to face rejection, but your successes in the past should give you the confidence to take another leap of faith. Who knows what will happen, but if you don't try, one thing is certain: you will never know. I don't know if this gives you any food for thought, but hope you make the decision that sits well with your heart. Goodluck, and keep us posted.

[WCSDancer2010]

@kaybee

 

I hear your fear ... you don't care about judgement from someone you don't know ... but you feel it would hurt a lot more coming from someone you know....

 

So..

 

You say you have known him a long time. You should have a pretty good idea of his character. Does he go around gossiping about his exploits? Trash talking ex-GF's? Making judgments on other friends and their relationships? If so, you may want to keep your clothes on and your mouth shut ;)

 

But if this is a man with integrity and decency, then go for it friend! Just make sure you tell him you need to talk to him in a place where you won't feel like ripping each other's clothes off first ...LOL. As @Positive said, this may be a GREAT place to practice being vulnerable to someone you care for....

 

AND ..

 

Whatever his choice afterwards, remember that this is NOT about you ... I just had to tell a guy who I had some attraction to that I needed to move on because I found out he has a 9 yr old ... and my kids are grown. And while I really respect a man who makes time for his kids, I'm beyond the "Puberty" phase and don't want to go back ;) I know that's not the same thing as Herpes, but it's something that some people could compromise on, but not for me..... and if you can see Herpes like that, then you don't have to be affected by someone choosing to not take the risk.....

 

And you can always keep playing with the clothes on or find other, (non-penetrative) ways to play if you want to continue to hook up :)

 

(((HUGS)))

[seeker]

wow, ok. i didn't see that as being judgmental just asking a question to help put something into perspective. guess it wasn't what you wanted to hear. im out.

[WCSDancer2010]

Reminder to EVERYONE: When writing - choose your words and thoughts carefully ... because how things translate to someone (ESPECIALLY when they are feeling vulnerable, hurt, or frightened) can easily be taken the wrong way .... I often re-write my replies several times to make sure that my INTENT is as clear as I can make it (it's also why I use all caps and italics and such to put "accent" to my writing to help people to see the words that I feel need to be "heard" ;)

 

And when reading a reply to your questions/discussions, remember to be careful to not instantly take things personally ... stop and check in and take a breath .... because really, 99% of the comments on here really are not *meant* to be judgmental ... (and we won't tolerate the 1% who sneak in!) .... so please, realize that your anxiety, anger, self-judgment, and upsetment may well be coloring how your interpret what you are reading ;)

 

Now - (((HUGS))) all around folks :)

 

[kaybee]

Thank you for everyone's responses, it's so incredible to have a community to reach out to and always receive such quick, thoughtful replies even during the holidays. It really does mean so much to me.

 

@Seeker--im sorry for jumping to conclusions! I was extremely upset and sensitive when I read your reply. I felt like you were implying that I planned to sleep with him without disclosing, and I would absolutely never do that so it put me on the defensive. Like dancer said, im just really scared of someone I know thinking less of me. It would be a much bigger blow to be rejected by someone who's opinion I highly value than a guy that im just fooling around with. Regardless, I shouldn't have make an assumption and I sincerely apologize and appreciate you taking the time to reply to me at all.

 

Thank you all for your encouraging words. I really do believe that I would regret it if i never tried...that gave me a lot of food for thought. He is a really sweet and respectful guy, I can't imagine him running around telling people or being mean to me. Worst case scenario he would say he can't handle the risk and I would have to put it in perspective and move on.

 

An update on the situation: we've been texting the past few days (im out of town) and we were discussing trust in relationships and he told me that he wants me to fully trust him and would never hurt me. He went on to explain that he thinks we should have stayed close and have a lot we could teach eachother and asked if I wanted to hangout when were home. He even made a point to clarify that it didn't have to be at night again :)

 

I don't know if there's any potential for a relationship given the long distance circumstances but I plan to hangout with him and see how it goes. If we do end up back at his house or wherever I'll just explain that I don't sleep with guys until were more serious as sex is important to me and we can do other things... Then if he's still interested/im still interested in something a little more serious down the line (who knows tho because I go back to school in early January :() then I will take the risk of disclosing. as much as I want to sleep with him, i think its the more mature decision to wait and it'll hurt me less emotionally as I do tend to get attached to guys I sleep with. It will also make potentially disclosing to him in the future way easier...

 

I'll keep you all updated, thanks again and happy holidays :)

[seeker]

good luck and isalright, forgedaboutit.

[WCSDancer2010]

Sounds like he realized you are not "ready" for sex and he respects that ... which is great! And I hear you about getting attracted to guys after having sex...which is why I don't do that now unless I see potential with them ... I got smart and stopped setting myself up for getting hurt before I knew whether the person was worth the risk ;)

 

And glad you all kissed and made up :)

 

(((HUGS))))

[seeker]

just a peck on the check cause a real kiss and she would be swooning. derp.