It's Almost Been a Year Since Herpes Diagnosis

[ambitious85]

Hey everyone,

 

I don't have much of a particular "success" story, but I have disclosed to three different people, and all have had great reactions. Friends have been truly supportive too.

 

It's almost been a year since my diagnosis, and although those three guys were great, I know I won't end up with any of them...

 

My question is, does anyone feel like they are stuck? One of the guys I did end up having sex with, I felt like I had to hold on to him because I wasn't sure if I could find someone else to accept it like he did.. and even though the contradiction is staring me in the face (there's been more than him that have been fine with it) I noticed they also have had some sort of disclosure for me as well.

 

Anyone else feel stuck like that and how did you overcome that rut? I hold onto people because they accept my herpes positive status, not necessarily because they treat me right. And that's terrible :(

[chikitta13]

Hey @ambitous85. I can definitely relate to some elements of your story. I was diagnosed with HSV2 in August (pretty sure it was a new infection based on blood tests, timeline). My partner was unaware that he had it. We aren't in a typical relationship - he is someone who I sleep with when I am not in a relationship. We have built trust over the years, and it is monogamous, and we both were checked out for STIs. Ironically, I chose this because I thought it was safer (oops).

 

Anyway, post diagnosis, we continued our sexual relationship. Prior to HSV, I really enjoyed sex with him. Right after the diagnosis, following my first OB, we still had a lot of fun. But since then, it just hasn't been working. At first I thought it was stress - not just HSV, but a lot of other major life events this past year. But I realize now that it's much more than that. Part of it is my body adjusting, and part of it is my need for a deeper connection.

 

During our last time together, he brought this up - that he feels clumsy around me, etc. I told him my body is different now, and that I am still adjusting. But I realized after that, that I want to discontinue our relationship, at least for now. I feel like part of me has continued because it's safe. I don't have to disclose to him, and I don't have to worry about rejection. I know that I have no desire to date him. And there is someone in my life who I really would like to be with. Recently this other person expressed a similar interest.

 

And so, I've realized that I fear rejection. I always have. Even before HSV. I am good at so many things - but relationships scare the shit out of me. I've had my heart broken (horribly) twice, by the same person. Each time it led me to seek relationships that were "safe". Not that I didn't care about the person, but that I wasn't truly vulnerable. Or remaining single to avoid true intimacy. Adding HSV has seemed like another layer of vulnerability that terrifies the crap out of me. But I think it may force me to face my vulnerability and fear in a healthy constructive way. And before sex becomes involved. I can no longer use sex as an immediate connection point, and deal with the messy stuff later. I will have to face rejection upfront.

 

Anyway, I relate to the feeling stuck. For me, I had to accept that the relationship with my partner isn't what I truly want, and that it is time to move on. If I'm stuck, I need to be the one to do the unsticking. A good friend of mine once told me "shit is warm". Makes me laugh, but how true! It's so easy to settle with something comfortable, and get stuck. So I am looking toward the scary shit, and putting myself out there. Rejection be damned!!

[WCSDancer2010]

@ambitious85

 

I noticed they also have had some sort of disclosure for me as well.

 

THIS is what you need to really get ... we ALL have closets of some kind that we hide behind for fear of being "outed"...Mental illness, sexuality, physical issues, terminal illness, family issues, addictions, age (look how many people lie on internet dating sites about their age), etc.

 

 

When you truly get it to your core that you are NOT alone in your fears of being "outed" ... that we all have these fears about many things ... perhaps it will be easier to accept that sometimes we just have to face those fears and trust that the outcome will be what we hope for .. AND ... that if the reaction is negative, it's not about YOU ... it's about them and what they are looking for.

 

You deserve to have people around you who are into YOU, not who want to "get into" you or gain something from you. Don't EVER settle ... with friends or lovers. BTW, herpes makes a GREAT Wingman :)

 

http://supporttruthanddialog.com/using-herpes-as-your-wingman/

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/3309/successful-herpes-disclosure-but-not-for-the-reasons-you-might-think (Herpes Wingman example Mazedaze818 )

Herpes as a relationship filter Adrial

 

@chikitta13

 

First - you go girl! Rejection be damned! Perhaps these links will help you to feel more comfortable around the subject ... I know that learning to understand how we humans react to rejection helped me a LOT :

 

http://herpesopportunity.com/podcasts/Herpes-Opportunity-Never-Rejected.mp3 (adrial)

http://supporttruthanddialog.com/rejection_its-all-about-perspective/ (my blog)

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/4699/first-real-disclosure-first-real-rejection Rejection as your teacher…..

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-squeaky-wheel/201307/ten-surprising-facts-about-rejection

 

And vulnerability has a way of creating DEEPER, YUMMIER relationships :)

 

 

[Violet1]

Yes I understand completely. I was diagnosed in my mid 20s, 25 years ago. I settled and married my husband. He is negative. In 20 years of marriage I never gave it to him. And that was just with abstaining. We have two great kids. But I settled. Working on a divorce nowand Now I'm out there again. So scary. Told my new lover and he has not rejected me but does not know and has become silent. Needing time. He is negative. The terrible thing is that I know he is the one for me. Throne I have been waiting for. He feels the same way but now this. Any way to make him feel better? I guess just step back and pray that when he learns all he can he thinks I'm worth it. I'm devastated.

[Violet1]

Correction abstaining when having an outbreak. We had tons of sex lol

[WCSDancer2010]

@Irene

 

Give him the handouts and link below, and tell him he can come on here and we can answer his questions ... we have a section just for people like him who are H- dating someone with H+ ... and yes, he may need time and space. Guys seem to often need that with big challenges.... ;)

 

Handouts + disclosure e-book:

http://eepurl.com/b4IPP

 

Herpes facts video

[Violet1]

Thank you Dancer. I have sent him a few things. I will wait for him to come around and will give these to him. Feeling better being on this site