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mystery HSV1 going to disclose soon, what do I say!?

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So I was confirmed HSV1 by blood test - never had a cold sore or sore in my lady parts. So not sure *where* I have it...


I need to disclose to this guy I've been dating, like, asap, before we have any kind of sex. Nervous....


How do I tell him without freaking him out? Hows this... sorry its long, i basically have it memorized...


"so I got an STD test just for peace of mind. I don't have an STD but there is something that could very unlikely become an issue... positive for HSV 1 which is what causes cold sores... never had one so I'm basically an asymptomatic carrier of the virus. Doctor told me more people have it than don't so its extremely common, you might even have it too. Only weird thing is that I've never had a coldsore. The virus's natural habitat is in the mouth but in rarer cases my dr. told me it can reside in the genital area. So since I haven't had one we don't know where I have it. Hypothetically if I have it vaginally and we use a condom the risk is so low its basically a non issue, the transmission chance would be similar to the risk of pregnancy. If you went down on me there would be a slightly higher chance you could get it that way. Also the same as if I had it orally and did that to you. So basically, sex with a condom should be fine all though there is a super tiny risk of some freak transmission happening. If you want to just not do anything orally for a while that's fine unless you're willing to take a very slightly higher risk. Honestly my dr. told me not to feel obligated to disclose (yes guys this is true!) because of how low a chance this is of being a problem, but I didn't feel right not telling you. She also said that its something I could have gotten in childhood and its been so far suppressed in my immune system that I wouldn't ever get any kind of outbreak. She said the real chance for transmission is if I would be experiencing a sore... which I have never ever... but still without a sore there is that super super tiny chance I wanted you to know about. Also I've only been in long term monogamous relationships and I've never known a partner to have it."


Is all this info accurate? If someone told you that would you be cool with it??

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I feel that whole speech without even knowing where it is can be a bit aggressive. just because youre addressing both areas...i have had to talk about it once and I opened with how common it is and the statistics and how its easy to prevent transmission. As long as you say it with confidence it comes off better. are you planning on suppressive meds?

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I think it's too wordy too. I would simply say you found out through recent testing you are an asymptomatic carrier of HSV1, the virus that causes cold sores. I would then wait for his response or perhaps say you have some information you could share if he would like to know more.


Good luck!

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Well, first, what were the values on your test? If they were between 1.1 and 3.5, you have a 40% chance of it being a false positive (in which case I'd say get the Western Blot test... I can give you the info if you need it later). Given you never had any signs, I'd want to be sure that the test was accurate ;)


Now, as for the talk. I want to swat your Dr for saying to not disclose. 50% of all new cases of genital herpes are HSV1 ... usually from asymptomatic carriers. Now that doesn't mean you cant get freaky ... it just means that you need to be aware of the risks, and not play if EITHER of you have any sores or irritation ... if he has something (say, a rub from sex) that is a highway for the virus to get into the system so you would want that to heal before you played again. You wouldn't want to do anything if his immune system was compromised. If you perhaps get chapped lips/any kind of irritation on your lip, I'd proceed with caution .. just to be careful.


Regarding what you wrote about the talk: HSV1 IS an STD (on the genitals) and a *potential* STD on the mouth... so it's not accurate to say it's not an STD. I have a short and simple script that I give to people. Keep it simple, but factual ... then answer questions. We also have a handout you can print out to give to him, and send him here if he wants to get answers (we have a section for partners of H+ folks).


Let them know you have something personal to share, and that you are doing so because you have got to a point where you feel you can entrust them with this information.


Also let him know that you want to start with honesty and openness, and that you need to share this with him because you care for him and this is something that has the potential to affect him, and that you need to discuss it now because you feel the relationship is moving towards sexual intimacy and you want to put this on the table before that happens.


Be confident in yourself and your knowledge of the facts... or at least have the handouts with you so you can refer to them and give them to your partner to take home and use for reference.


Make sure to direct him to places like this site, my blog, the CDC's site, Westover Heights and other trusted, RELIABLE sources ... direct him AWAY from Google images and the Yahoo groups where all the Debbie Downers hang out.


Give him permission after to take as much time to research and consider his response.


Whatever happens, don't take anything he says or does personally if it's negative. Odds are, it's ignorance (because we all know that the education about H is pretty pathetic) or a fear of something marring him in some way (very possible if he is OCD/hypochondriac/anxious).


You can also point out that the risk of getting H from someone who KNOWS they have Herpes is far less than most of the population because 80% of people with H don't know they have it ...and that the vast majority of cases are from asymptomatic carriers or people who have been led to believe that they can't pass it on without an OB and thus don't need to tell a partner as long as they don't engage in sex during an OB. (as you were told :( )


Make sure that you don't wait till the clothes are off to tell him either (and it happens all too often!) because that is how poor decisions are made then the person has regrets AND is scared silly ... rather than making a well thought out choice to be with you.


Approach it with confidence and a trust that it will work out as it is meant to..... because that really is all you can do anyway


Also download the e-book on disclosure and the handouts. Great place to start with getting your mind wrapped around how the talk can actually bring you closer instead of driving him away.


Handout Link: http://eepurl.com/b4IPP


Simplest way is to say "You know the cold sores people get on their lip? I tested positive for the virus that causes them, even though I have never had a sore on my lip. The sticky part is that I *may* have it on my genitals, but we don't kknow because I never had anything there either. If you've had a cold sore, you may have the antibodies and it would be difficult for you to get it from me werever I have it. If you are not sure, then we need to be careful but we should make sure to get you tested because STD panels don't include the test unless you ask for it... HSV1 doesn't shed much but I can take suppressive meds and/or we can use condoms until you get tested. 80% of people have HSV1 so you may have it and not know" …so it would be best if you get tested first so you know for sure. Here's a handout that has some statistics if you are interested...


At that point, let him take it in. At some point of the conversation, you may add the part about the fact that he's likely been exposed to it many times as a child (60% of kids have oral H by the time they are a young adult) as well as an adult.


Here's some links to help you as well ... and I'd check out the Success Stories on here for ideas of what people have said.


Good Luck!






Handouts + disclosure e-book:




Herpes facts video


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