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rejection and life

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Hi all, just wanted to post up here. Nothing really herpes-specific per se I'm just feelin a tad bit down. I know this site is geared towards herpes issues but I have come to appreciate the type of support I find here. Life has been difficult lately, I feel like I'm bashing my head against the wall trying to move forward in my career. Dating is still a part of my life and although I'm not currently ready to share with anyone my status, its constantly on my mind. I've had one experience with disclosure and I feel like I learned ALOT from it. I hate to be so negative and I apologize if this brings anyone down but I could really use some uplifting thoughts from anyone out there. We all have our battles to fight and I know my situation could be much worse but I need something to rally my troops. Just trying to keep my spirits up in the face of rejection from every angle! Thanks y'all :)

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My first disclosure was not the worst as far as an initial reaction goes, he seemed ok with it but needed to think. Then he did a 180 and completely stopped calling me except when he would see me out and then wanted me to come over at the end of the night... All basic booty call behavior except it blew my mind because we weren't intimate and I assumed he didn't want to be after my disclosure. Anyways, eventually he apologized for the way he acted but ultimately, its the end of the road for us. The experience exposed him as someone I wouldn't be able to move forward with in an exclusive relationship. It also showed me how I really felt about disclosing and gave me some things to think about when I'm vetting a guy to disclose to and how/when I would disclose. I have to learn to trust my gut too because I had this feeling like maybe he wasn't someone worth disclosing to (or sleeping with, I must add that I do feel that any sexual partner deserves disclosure). It might be that I couldn't put it into words and on paper it seemed all right but I just had a "wrong" feeling underneath it all.

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I understand....I can think of guys i used to date who i wouldn't even think of telling now. I just know how they'd react. but keep your chin up! What works the best for me is to think how much worse things can be....its not a death sentence and we still are healthy individuals. If anything my diagnosis made me take way better care of myself in the long run. It's hard with the emotional impact, i don't know about you but I'm in my early twenties and most of my friends are care free and date without a care in the world and I can't help but be jealous of how simple it all is for them. They just have no idea (but then again, neither did I about a year ago when I was doing the same thing). Youre not alone, just keep moving forward!

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I've often found that when something goes wrong in my life, I feel like it all piles on and it's just one negative thing after another. It could be in my head and it could just be bad luck but there's always an end to everything. Good or bad. I'm not sure if that's even encouraging, but when you think back on things that seemed like the end of your world at the time it was happening and now you think back on it as if it was just a small hiccup in your plans. Each of these events will seem like that some day too. I have also found that when I have a positive outlook on events in my life or just a general optimism, it's more likely that I'll experience good things, interact with good people, and find good qualitites in myself. Chin up. This won't be easy, but it will be okay.

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So here is where I am at with rejection.


I do a dance called West Coast Swing ... it's a modern cousin of the Lindy Hop/Jitterbug stuff you would have seen in the 40's and 50's. I call myself a "social dancer that competes" ... and believe me, as a 53 yr old who is competing against 20-somethings, I face a LOT of "rejection". I am considered a very solid follow and I can follow just about anything that is thrown at me (better than many of the 20-somethings) but aesthetically, I just plain can't move like them .. and given that we are judged by what we LOOK like rather than what we FEEL like to our partners, I often don't make finals ....


For years, it would devastate me when I didn't make finals ... I worked so hard to improve and I would see girls who I knew were much harder to lead making finals, or they were only dancing for a few months, or whatever. I would take the "rejection" of the judges VERY personally. I spent many post-competition evenings in my room, rather than social dancing. Then one day I "got it". While I definitely want to do well when I compete, it's more important to ME to be a good partner on the social floor... so for ME, a "win" is getting a huge smile from my partner or hearing "that was my BEST dance of the comps". The judges are looking for one thing ... looks. I've put connection over "looks". It doesn't make the judges "wrong" nor does it mean I'm a bad dancer. It just means that if I want to win, I may have to work on creating what they want to see ... but I won't do it at the expense of my connection. And that's ok. AND, occasionally I get lucky and the judges that we get happen to see something they like about me (the ones who love good musicality like what I bring to the floor in that respect) and I make it to finals (where, funnily enough, I usually do pretty well when they are seeing the "whole picture" rather that a few seconds of me in a sea of cute, skinny girls!)


All I can do is keep working on ME, finding what works for me, what looks "fit" me, what movements I can get this "mature" body to do ... and do my best. Jobs today are very competitive and for many you just have to find what makes you unique and hone that skill. My skill is musicality ... so I bring that every time and occasionally I get rewarded for that skill. Figure out what is unique about YOU, own it and you will find the place where you are a fit.


And as for dating, same thing .. I know I'm definitely not every guy's cup of tea ... and that's ok. Then where H is concerned, if they "reject" me for that, well, that's their choice ... I know it's not about "me" ... they just have different priorities.... and that's ok too. The right guy will come along when he comes along. I won't waste energy on a man who doesn't want to be with me ... for ANY reason!!!!!!!!



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That is exactly how I feel @MalicePalace.. just pile on the crap! thank you for the reminder that this too shall pass. I was doing really well for awhile telling myself that but I guess after awhile I started to find it hard to believe or, remember. I will look back on this time some day and, things will be okay! Thank you for contributing, so much appreciated :)

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Thank you @WCSDancer2010 ... I like that perspective. I've started to become more able to see it in the dating realm but I feel so desperate in my career that I feel like the rejections in that area are harder to swallow. I am my own worst critic and I think I need to spend some time with some positive affirmations and becoming comfortable with selling that special quality in myself that would make me right for the job. The right guy will be there when its right and the same will happen with my career.

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Well unfortunately we can't "protect" ourselves from everything and it's a good deal we can't.


With rejection comes learning, comes vulnerability. Comes clarity. I would say its the exact process that will help you feel less stuck!!!


So the very thing u fear will likely be the thing that transitions you.


Listen I have had my share of shitty days and the more I have (they keep coming damned!!!) the more I learn. For example, what kind of guy I want in my life, what makes me happy (funny how it becomes clearer when u r sad !!! So I am gonna say, from someone who probably has had 360 bad days last year and 5 good ones that I learne a lot of shit!


Take this ...all these feelings and where u r in ur life and use te frustration and fear to find clarity


It wil come w ur struggle and u will be a better person for it



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Have you tried to get coaching for job prospecting? Or talk to someone who could help you to figure out what your next career step should be? Maybe you should get someone to talk to who can see either what you can do to make yourself a better prospect or perhaps help you see a different direction that you can go in if your field is saturated.



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  • 1 month later...

just had to post an update... The clouds seem to be lifting... Won the battle I've been fighting for work. And I have a casual sexual partner who I've disclosed to (prior to this I hadn't had sex in almost a year and I was beginning to think that herpes would prevent me from having a "normal" sex life). I'm where I want to be for right now. It was a long road to get here and its not over (it never is though, right?) but, I just wanted to end on a positive note and let anyone know who might be reading this that IT GETS BETTER. Herpes and all :)

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