Disclosing after already having sex, advice needed PLEASE

[n_lynn326]

I was diagnosed with GHSV 1 in December of 2013. Since then I have had three partners. The first two I told before having sex. But the third has gotten somewhat complicated. I spent the last 4 months studying abroad and met a guy who I really like. Because of a series of events we did not have sex while abroad.

 

Since returning to America we have become more serious and he is someone that I really like. We have had sex a few times (with a condom) and I am scared now that we are pretty deep in and I missed my opportunity to tell him. I chose not to tell him in Europe because I didn't know if we would last when coming home and now that it is working out and he wants to peruse a relationship, I know I have to gain the courage to tell him my situation.

 

The first two guys I told took it well and did not leave me, but I feel like that's because told them in the very beginning. The reason I'm so scared to tell this current guy is because we have now been talking to four months and I have not disclosed. He is the first person I have really liked and wanted to date since being diagnosed. I'm now extremely scared that I have messed things up by waiting too long and that I'm going to lose him. It makes me sick to my stomach. I haven't had an outbreak since being diagnosed so this is something that I often convince myself isn't an issue.

 

Any advice on this and how to about disclosing this to him would be very appreciated!

[n_lynn326]

It would also be super helpful if someone could give me statistic facts about GHSV1 and transmission rates from women to men that I would use to make him feel more comfortable with it.

 

I want to make it seem like as little of a big deal as possible (if that makes sense)

[ksurter77]

Hi. In my research, I found that the following article was really helpful. Check out the link below..it's a long article but definitely worth it. Dr. Leone is one of the leading experts on HSV and has been featured in the NYTimes significantly on this topic.

 

The quote regarding GHSV1 that I think would pertain to you is this. It goes in more detail about this, so I highly recommend reading the entire article.

 

"“I’ll be honest with you," he continued, "I even question whether or not you need to disclose that you have genital HSV-1 to someone. If you’re not having an outbreak [of genital HSV-1], you’re probably not shedding, and you’re not going to be transmitting it to somebody else. And we don’t think that genital-to-genital transmissions are very common, so why are we telling folks to disclose? You may feel obligated and think that ethically, it’s something you should do. I would encourage you to do it if you feel that way. But from a biological standpoint, I’m not really sure we can make any recommendations around your need to disclose.”"

 

http://thehairpin.com/2013/11/how-i-found-out-i-didnt-have-the-herpes-id-been-living-with-for-four-years

[ann122]

The above article is super helpful to show others as it shows how NON serious ghsv1 really is. However, I'm not sure you can get away with not telling someone that you think you will be in a serious relationship with. I don't mean that in a judgemental way at all, as I tried the same thing with my now boyfriend because I knew I got it from him. However, when/if an outbreak pops up, you're kinda stuck and forced to disclose. You may not be as prepared and be a little more freaked out. If this guy is someone who you have had as amazing of a time as it sounds, he will want to be with you. Definitely at least be willing to get tested for well. Stay positive about the situation, rehearse what youre going to say, and just dont forget how common hsv1 is in general. Just because its in a different location doesn't mean you should be looked at differently.

[WCSDancer2010]

@n_lynn326

 

I have to say, I had one answer until I read the link that @ksurter77 put out (it's a new one to me). I'll have to chew on the info, so I can only offer this:

 

IMO, *even though* they believe that GHSV1 doesn't seem to transmit to others easily (if at all), we have had many theories turned on their head over the years around Herpes..... so I *personally* would still say that people should disclose... but now they can say that the current belief is that HSV1 doesn't seem to transmit to others once you have it genitally or at least the risk is so small as to be not worth worrying about (as long as you don't do anything with an OB of course!). You can include that the risk is FAR bigger to get HSV1 genitally through oral sex because so many don't know they carry the virus orally....and that the thinking is that 50% of all new genital cases are HSV1 from ORAL sex. That at least lets him know that the risk is incredibl low.

 

BUT, IMO, I still believe that you should disclose simply because a relationship (even casual sex) should ALWAYS be started with an honest foundation ... if for no other reason than at *some* point you could have an OB and then how do you explain that??? It may only happen once every 10 years but odds are at some point you will have a stressful situation that could trigger it ... so better (again, IMO) to just be up front about it all ;)

 

(((HUGS)))

[n_lynn326]

Thank you everyone for that! And that article is especially helpful. I still plan to work up the courage to tell him and I think with that information, if I make it seem like not so big of a deal, then it has the potential to go well. That's all I can hope for. Will check back in with an update once I dosclose. Wish me luck!

[n_lynn326]

I also would like an opinion on this, do you think it's okay at any point to decide to not use a condom during sex as long as there is no signs of an OB and I am taking anti virgals?

[MMissouri]

I think that is a couple's decision. I would get past the disclosure and go from there. Good luck.

[WCSDancer2010]

I'm with @MMissouri ... see how he reacts. Get through the disclosure ... he he has health-related anzieties, then let HIM choose to wear the condom (or not) ... and you take the anti-virals for your peace of mind ;)