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Broke the cardinal rule....how do I fix it?

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So I need some advice please....I broke the cardinal rule of dating with H - sex without disclosing. I completely hate myself and can't stop crying! I never thought I would do it and need to fix it but I'm not sure how?


I was diagnosed about 8 months ago with exceptionally mild symptoms, I've been on daily suppressive meds ever since and have never had another symptom. My partner at the time (and possible giver) reacted horribly, we split up and I was crushed, not a good first experience. The words and support from many of you on this site helped me through that very tough time! I then met someone on a dating site for people with H and we had a great few months together as H was never an issue.


So....now I'm newly back in the dating pool. I'd been chatting to a guy that I met online for about a month, and we met up on the weekend. He's newly out of a long term relationship and not after anything serious, which was fine with me too. We hit it off so incredibly well and have so much in common, we were both surprised at how well we clicked. I never intended on letting it go so far, but it just happened naturally. As I said I'm on daily meds and haven't had any O/Bs and we did use condoms, so I know the chance of transmission is very low.

Now I feel truly terrible, he's such a great guy, he's been messaging me loads and wants to see me again this week. Despite wanting only a casual thing there is an undeniable connection. While I know you can't know what someone else's reaction will be, I'm sure he will not want to take the risk giving he's not looking for a serious committed relationship. However, I know he's entitled to make that decision knowing the facts and deserves the truth.


I was hoping for some advice from anyone who's been in this situation, or from someone who's been on the other side? Words to use, reactions to expect? I would really value any input. I know it's cowardly but I was considering just telling him casual isn't for me and breaking it off. I guess I can deal with the fact that he probably won't want to see me again, even though that's hard, but I just don't want him to hate me. And please be gentle with me, nothing anyone could say could make me feel worse....

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Okay, first of all, take a deep breath and breathe! You made a mistake that many people make. This doesn't make you a terrible person; mistakes make you human. Now you need to fix it.


I never personally been in this situation, but there are people on here who have. Give him the facts first (maybe print out the handouts or direct him to this site). You should explain to him why you didn't disclose and that because you took both precautions, his chances of contracting it are about 1%. Let him know how sorry you are. Be sincere of course and try not to get defensive. He will likely be angry, but if he respects you as a person, he won't say anything cruel. I hope everything works out okay for you.


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. While I know you can't know what someone else's reaction will be, I'm sure he will not want to take the risk giving he's not looking for a serious committed relationship. However, I know he's entitled to make that decision knowing the facts and deserves the truth.



You don't *know* that he won't want to take the risk... we have a number of people on here who have had casual sex and the other person was ok with the risk .... so all you can do at this point will be to print out the handouts from on here and call him and ask to see him and fess up. We are all human ... we all make mistakes. The measure of a person is in how they clean up the messes that they make and whether they take the lesson and learn from it ...




Handouts + disclosure e-book:



Herpes facts video
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Yes breathe :) Good advice, think I've been holding mine for a while! Thanks for your kind words.



Yes, I knew you would say that, I've seen you say that before and I know you're right, just easy to get clouded. It's not the H it's the dishonesty that's killing me now. Thank you, just needed a nudge in the right direction.


So...time to fix the mess, I would do just about anything to rewind time. Massive lesson learnt!!! For anyone who's unsure about whether they will be ok not disclosing, don't do it! So not worth risking someone else.....



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  • 1 year later...

I have done this and honestly, as I have gotten more comfortable with my diagnosis (7 years now, 5 of which are asymptomatic) I find that I have a harder time disclosing, mainly because I know it's such a trivial problem but that darn stigma lingers on. Hilariously, none of my disclosures to date have resulted in a rejection. Not one. Including the one that came a little late. But I still get nervous every time and sometimes wonder if it truly is necessary.


Well, yes. It's necessary. And now that you've reached this point, my advice is to approach it as guiltlessly and shamelessly as possible. Be matter of fact and give him the stats. Act like its a slightly annoying skin condition. Because, frankly, that's all it is. Let him know you care for him and want to give him the tools to make educated choices about your sex lives. If he's a half way decent person, he will at the very least appreciate your courage and honesty. And you'll feel better too! And again, none of my disclosures (and I've had a few ;) ) resulted in rejection. The relationships ended due to every other thing aside from herpes. So be optimistic!

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