Need advice on getting my herpes-positive boyfriend in the mood

[SNK07]

Hi...I'm new here. My bf is HSV 2+. He was diagnosed about a year ago. I've been tested and I'm negative. Since his diagnosis, he's had little to no interest in sex. He's affectionate but won't take things to the next level unless I initiate. I tell him all the time how his status doesn't bother me etc but I still can't get him out of the sexual funk he's in. Any advice? Thx.

[fitgirl]

@snk07 welcome! And props to you :) lucky man to have you. Being someone with herpes I can tell you that sexual interest wanes for a while. You don't feel the same, you don't feel the same sexual freedom you once did. BUT in time, that changes. I am surprised that your acceptance hasn't flipped him back from the initial phase of diagnosis. For me... when my partner was cool with it I was more than happy to get back to my freaky self :). he may need more time and more encouragement. Get some sex toys that he can use on you and/or you can use on him. That may make him feel safe and break the ice. Over time hopefully he will accept this in the same way you have.

 

One thing I will say..... herpes is just a symptom of bigger things sometimes. there are instances where someone contracts the virus and it becomes their excuse. I am not saying that is the case here but keep it in mind. If an individual has issues surrounding personal relationships before herpes those issues are just magnified after herpes.

 

Keep loving and supporting your man. If he doesn't come around, know that you did your best and it's not about you nor is it about herpes. Those of us with the virus don't often realize that the loving people on the other side have their own story and own challenges. Thank you for showing that there are two sides to this story :)

[WCSDancer2010]

@SNK07

 

Hello and Welcome!

 

@fitgirl is right - many people are afraid to have sex after diagnosis ... because they are fearful of passing it on to their loved one .... what they forget is that odds are they were not given a choice (ie, their giver either didn't know they had it or lied to them about their status) and they don't get that you have CHOSEN to be with them and that you have chosen to be ok with the risk of getting H. from them..

 

So - two suggestions:

 

1) Get him on here. Let us coach him... tell him you'd appreciate it if he talks to folks who have had Herpes for a lot longer and see how they are coping. I've had it 35 yrs ... there are other "old timers" on here ... we can help him to get his mojo back

 

2) find other ways to get yer freak on .... we had a great conversation about that here:

 

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/5807/list-the-ways-to-protect-my-partner-from-getting-herpes-hsv2 Safe alternatives to sex

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-for

 

Also, if you can find a support group in your area, gtting him in a room with people who have lived with Herpes for awhile may help him to feel more "normal" ....

 

(((HUGS)))

[SNK07]

Thanks for the advice @fitgirl and @wcsdancer2010. I will definitely check out the links and have a chit chat with him.

 

Honestly the more I get to know him, I realize that he's had issues in previous relationships when it comes to effectively communicating. It's frustrating because I think he feels like I'm attacking him when I bring it up...and I'm not. I just want to better our relationship.

 

I will let you guys know if I have any questions. Thanks again :)

 

 

[fitgirl]

@SNK07 you will discover..... some people have a lot of issues and those issues may at first appear to be related or triggered by herpes (whether you are the one with herpes or the one dating someone with herpes). But what time reveals is that those issues have nothing to do with herpes, it just magnifies them!

 

Most issues you experience and read about on this forum could be cut and pasted to any self help forum.... the issues would be universal. keep that in mind :).

 

 

[WCSDancer2010]

@SNK07 you will discover..... some people have a lot of issues and those issues may at first appear to be related or triggered by herpes (whether you are the one with herpes or the one dating someone with herpes). But what time reveals is that those issues have nothing to do with herpes, it just magnifies them!

 

Most issues you experience and read about on this forum could be cut and pasted to any self help forum.... the issues would be universal. keep that in mind :).

 

 

Sooo sooo true!!!!!! :)