H Really Does Make A Wonderful Wingman

[S123]

I found out I had genital HSV-1 in December. There's been a guy I was interested in since the beginning of the year really, and for some reason, around this time he started becoming more consistent in my life. We were talking almost everyday, and spending more time together. I was feeling really anxious because it was clear the attraction was there. Since I knew I didn't have the antibodies built up, being so newly infected, I was adament about not sleeping with anyone. Especially without disclosing and being in a relationship. I care deeply about people, and value honesty. Fast forward to February, where things had been pretty consistent for a few months. It was clear that he was looking for it to go to the next level and honestly, if it wasn't for my recent "situation," I would've been too. This is why I knew I was reaching time to disclose. However, I was somewhat hesitant, not only because I was afraid of his response, but because I didn't want to, nor did I fully trust telling him. So for a week, I tried to convince myself that I could have "the talk." I had long prepared for this day, having my research and facts together (and another discussion on the forum with more advice on it), it was just picking the time and having the courage to do so. We didn't even get that far. Ironically, the same week I was planning on disclosing to him, (which was obviously a huge deal for me, especially since I have major trust issues as is) we had a conversation about what he wanted. His response was rude, but honest. Turns out, he was simply on "good behavior" because he thought I would sleep with him if he did. He just wanted sex from me. Never planned to make it anything deeper, and ultimately played on the feelings he knew I had for him. This is a situation where in a way, HSV made a wonderful wingman. I'm hesitant to sleep with someone in general, nevertheless, I completely would have had sex with him if it wasn't for H. What's ironic is, what stopped me was wanting to protect HIM. Funny.

 

My point here is, although it may not be ideal to have HSV, it can be helpful. I feel like we get into the habit of worrying about people "accepting" us after disclosure, and still wanting to be with us. But we sometimes forget that the person needs to first be DESERVING of the talk. Yes, definitely have it before being intimate with someone, but be careful of who you let into your life. H does make a wonderful wingman, before the disclosure talk is even an issue. In this situation, if I would've disclosed to him, most likely because he was looking for something merely sexual and was trying to be somewhat manipulative about it, he would've ran for the hills. Even if he had "accepted it", I could've shared something serious and personal, expecting it to build into a relationship and been twice as upset when I found out that was never his intention.

 

I just wanted to share this story in case anyone was going through, or has gone through something similar. I'd love more stories of H being your wingman :) *hugs*

[WCSDancer2010]

@S123

 

Thank you for sharing!

 

I think it's especially important for people to realize that you were lucky to have that "expectations" talk first ... because as you say, you likely would have blamed Herpes on his running for the hills after disclosure ... where the reality would have been that he was wanting to get INTO you.... not into YOU.

 

I have to say that after being on here for over a year, *I'm* learning to take things a LOT slower ... I've always seen H as my Wingman but I was comfortable enough with it to disclose relatively early ... after seeing so many on here who are having FAR more success than I have (thanks to having really slowed down the pre-sex courtship and thus the getting-to-know-you phase) I'm now not rushing to meet anyone and even after I'm going a LOT slower ... and so far it's helped me to avoid several "relationships" that would have been bad, if not disastrous .... including one guy who turned out to be a bank robber (REALLY!), one guy who claimed to be a recovered alcoholic who hadn't made it past the 4th step and who was in reality a "dry drunk", and just tonight, a guy who I've been talking to who has teens who I finally had to admit was just not in the same place as me ... I was trying hard to be ok with the kids but after hearing many times of the (normal) teen angst going on I had to be honest with MYSELF that I just don't want that in my life. So I ended up "rejecting" HIM ... as much as I wanted to try to go forward, I couldn't ... and if I had rushed into that, it would have been a LOT messier .... :)

[PositivelyBeautiful]

Hey @S123, thanks for sharing! I had a very similar experience recently, where I was talking to a guy for over a month, and the physical attraction was definitely there, but I told him I wanted to take it slow. I was anticipating the talk too, but then suddenly communication from him started slowing down, until I heard nothing. Had it not been for having herpes, I probably would have slept with him... but herpes forced me to slow down and in doing that, his true intentions were revealed. Before I contracted herpes, I was trying to do this, slow down that is... and I was getting there, but eventually reverted to old patterns, and fell susceptible to lust. Now, I don't have a choice... and as far as I am concerned, that's a positive... Leading with my heart and head is a far better and more self-loving strategy than anything I was doing before. :)

[S123]

@WCSDancer2010

Great story! Thanks for sharing. The bank robber one is crazy, how did you find out? lol But ultimately, regardless of having herpes, it's important to remember that everyone that comes into your life isn't meant to stay! I learned that. Some people are temporary, and whatever is meant for you will come on it's own. I think that just as having H makes the other person think about how serious the relationship would/could be, it likewise makes you think about your true intentions too! It does make things a lot more simple in a way. I wish I was comfortable enough to disclose early, but I think a big part of it for me is being in college and possibly having to see the person over and over after rejection. Or trusting them not to share with the world.

[S123]

@PositivelyBeautiful

Thanks for sharing! Yes, I naturally took things at a somewhat slow pace, however I was unfortunately one of those "everything but" girls (where I would do everything but literal sex. I guess in my mind oral didn't count. Ha, go figure because that's how I got my HSV). So I was pretty quick to receive on that end. Now I take things even more slowly and won't do anything sexual until I'm in something more serious. But I'm definitely guilty of letting the moment get to me. Although my head tells me not to, it's hard to listen sometimes. Now I'm working on more of a self-loving strategy as well :) I realized I was accepting a lot less than I wanted, and settling a lot out of fear of being alone. Just as I realized I wouldn't approach people because of fear of rejection. Now it all seems so silly. Life is too short to be afraid of everything.

[WCSDancer2010]

@S123

 

Regarding the bank robber ... he suddenly disappeared (like, in the course of a conversation one afternoon) ... I got suspicious, managed to do some detective work, and found an article online that showed his arrest and mug shot.... it certainly wasn't at all what I expected to find :p