Ramblings

[Wiwino]

Since being diagnosed in October, the majority of my days haven't been the greatest. Basically was sucked into a dark, dark pit of self hate. Most days I wished I never woke up. Started eating my feelings and putting on a few pounds. And I know I played the victim game. But how can you not, especially at first? Add to that I potentially had cervical cancer from hpv diagnosed just a few days after hsv. Seriously? Two stds in one week? Lucky, lucky me.I haven't even been with that many people. With those odds, I should have taken the next flight out to Vegas. Just a real rough time in my life. My giver doesn't want to talk about it.. Whether it's because he hates himself too or is in denial, I'm not sure. He doesn't have symptoms so he doesn't understand what it's like either. Of the few people I trusted to tell, I've lost some as friends. Apparently since I couldn't believe in positivity, they couldn't continue to be my friend. That was hard to swallow because I was already suffering and just wanted someone to listen and stop cramming happy thoughts down my throat. When you feel like horrible, sometimes you just want to hear I'm sorry, this does suck instead of everything is gonna be fine. Because really, it didn't feel like it.

 

As of February, I've been better. There are days it doesn't cross my mind; that I haven't thought about throwing myself out the window. Dare I say I've felt normal. I've been getting back to working out, which was something I loved to do previously. As the weather warms here in Wisconsin, it's been easier to be more optimistic. There's something magical about being able to smell spring in the air. I have even tried dating again. Looked into PS, but I'm too embarrassed to post a picture. And if I was honest with myself, I don't want to limit to only positive people, especially since there's not a lot on the site near where I live. I've had a few random other dates, but I have no zeal for anyone. And I have no idea whether it's because I'm actually not interested in the person or if it's just because I still think no one will accept me so I keep at arms length. I find myself wishing my giver would wake up and want to try things. Not because he's positive (though that would be a load off) but because a small part of me still cares for him. Okay, so maybe it's a tad bit bigger part. But I don't wanna waste life waiting for that. I'm worried that no one will look past this virus to see how, excuse my language, fuckin fantastic I am. Most of my friends have found their person and have that happy glow. I want that so bad. I'm so tired of being alone. I want to go on life's adventure with someone and it just keeps seeming like a stupid dream now. Dating was hard enough before. And I'm too big of a wimp to come out and let everyone know. I wish I could be more like all you fierce, proud ladies on here. It's my goal for the future.

 

I want to be strong. I want to be a bad ass that won't let this virus beat me. But being strong has been exhausting. And I guess that's why I'm here, tonight, writing this rambling and long post. With a few tears. Thankfully, no typhoon of tears. Baby steps, eh? So I'm sorry for anyone that reads this, it has no real point. I just don't know where else to go or who to talk to. I don't want to burden or lose more friends. The ones that have stuck around have been good, but they just can't really understand. It's also difficult with these friends because I know I've changed. I'm not exactly the same person I was in September. A quote from a song really sticks with me..."how a face can change when a heart knows fear." But God damn I hate that it's changed me.

 

I don't know anyone else that has this disease for me to talk to. So hey, if you're from Wisconsin, hit me up. it would be nice to have a partner on the journey of becoming a hot little boss again.

[dreamingofsomeone167]

Hi @ wiwino,

The first few months or year after diagnosis is very tough. You are coming to terms with how different your life is going to be, maybe beating yourself up for not being as careful as you should have been. I'm sorry you have lost friends. Sometimes we just need time to be mad, sad, grieve. I think people who don't know what you are going thru don't always know how to act and can't understand what you are going thru. They think you should be over whatever it is. I ran into this after my husband passed away. People think "it's been over a year you should be fine". It's a life changing even just like acquiring H that changes you to the core.

 

I am slowly dipping my toe in the dating scene. I understand what you say about not having that zeal. I'm guessing for me it's the dreaded disclosure I know has to happen so I don't let myself get excited just to possibly be let down. I am hopeful the person i am seeing is a real man who can weight the facts and realize i am worth it. But like you I am a funking awesome person that someone would be an idiot to pass up.I too am not to the level of coming out on FB like Dancer and others.

 

None of us are the people we were before H. I know I am a better person, more accepting of things people have or go thru. I get to really know someone before I sleep with them and vice versa. Don't get me wrong, I still wish occasionally for causal see

[dreamingofsomeone167]

That last sentence was wishing for casual sex, lol. Don't know what happened, stupid tablet. I am not in Wisconsin, in California so I may be a little far away. Stay strong, do things you enjoy, be happy with yourself. It's taken me a long time to get there and I still have my insecurities. Glad the H community is here for all of us. Big (((hugs))), take care

[WCSDancer2010]

Add to that I potentially had cervical cancer from hpv diagnosed just a few days after hsv. Seriously?

 

Honey... the CDC says that anyone who is at all sexually active will get AT LEAST one strain of HPV in their life ... and people hear HPV and think Cancer ... when only about 4 of the 40 or so strains actually causes cancer ... 2 cause warts ... the rest cause "irregular cells" and scare the shit out of us, then usually go dormant and leave us alone. I've had a "irregular cells" scare about 10 yrs ago - 6 months of nutritional therapy and I got the all clear! (Folic acid seems to help with a lot of them...which my Dr told me about before I was ever diagnosed then he wanted to freeze it off... SMH ... so I went to a Naturopath and did the Folic Acid and other stuff she recommended and Bingo... no more boo boo's ont he cervix!) Now, the TIMING sucked with the HPV... and your Dr obviously didn't help you to understand the reality of HPV (aka... the vast majority are harmless havoc wreakers!) ... but fact is you just got the #1 and #2 most common STD's .... and they are so common because of the lack of proper public education, not because the millions of us with it are dirty nasty sluts... :)

 

Of the few people I trusted to tell, I've lost some as friends. Apparently since I couldn't believe in positivity, they couldn't continue to be my friend. That was hard to swallow because I was already suffering and just wanted someone to listen and stop cramming happy thoughts down my throat. When you feel like horrible, sometimes you just want to hear I'm sorry, this does suck instead of everything is gonna be fine. Because really, it didn't feel like it.

 

Well, try to see it from this perspective: They wanted you to feel positive because, TO THEM, herpes isn't a big deal. Which shows you that they really are decent people ... they just didn't know how to support you at that time because they hated seeing you so unhappy about something that wasn't 1/10th as big of a deal to them.

 

And I'm too big of a wimp to come out and let everyone know. I wish I could be more like all you fierce, proud ladies on here. It's my goal for the future.

 

Well, I had it for about 34 years before I came out ... so I had a long time to get fed up with the bullshit stigma and having to come up with a lie about why my first daughter was born by a Cesarean. And then going on forums and seeing the mental toll that diagnosis puts on people was the last straw. I came out because in order to be an Advocate I felt I had to walk the walk and get out there and show people that the stigma of Herpes is FAR bigger in their head than it is in reality... and that those "friends" who are unkind/ignorant about H who talk about you and spread gossip are just showing you who they are, and are doing you a favor..... because who needs assholes like that in their personal circle of friends. If it wasn't herpes, it would eventually be something else. Good riddance :)

 

You are in the perfect place to work through your feelings ... though if you can find a support group and/or get counseling, that would be ideal.... @Adrial is an AH-MAZING coach and can work with you on Skype if you choose the coaching route BTW :)

 

You will be fine. Be patient with yourself. Read all the Success Stories that you can... there's so much inspiration in there. And look at the Videos (link above in the links bar) and check out the Lifestyle Guides (another source of "support" through self-work at home).

 

AND ... cry if you need to... when you need to.... but give yourself a limit if you find yourself getting sucked into the vortex of depression. My last "disappointment" taught me that ... it happened right when I got to a dance convention ... I needed to focus on my competitions and I just wanted to enjoy the weekend ... so I let the feelings come up ... and when they came out, I TOTALLY gave in to them ... from the bottom of my soul. I think a lot of past "disappointments" that I had suppressed came out with that one that weekend! AND, after crying myself dry, I took a page from our canine friends: I kicked some dirt over that shit, dried my eyes, and went out and danced my ass off :)

 

(((HUGS)))

 

 

[Wiwino]

I should have clarified a bit more. I ended up having one of the bad strains. After the biopsies and surgery, the doc said I was a step away from full blown cancer. So if I want to put a positive spin on it, getting H made me find out about it. I'm hoping that when I go back in they tell me I'm good on that aspect,

 

Just kinda wish things would start turning around for me!

[whitedaisies]

Hugs

 

I hope they will too