Ongoing Disclosure

[jessiw]

I have come to a point in my life where disclosing is no longer a problem for me. I can disclose easily and comfortably, sure there is still fear but I know I can disclose regardless of the fear. Lately I have been coming across some new things with disclosure that I think others can relate too.

 

1. I disclosed and was accepted Yay! This is a really awesome feeling but the real feelings creep up later. The vulnerability and raw feeling of fear that comes afterward. The aftermath..the questions that need to be answered. My partner can make it really easy on me and not ask any questions or they can bombard me with questions and I feel like I am on trial. I'm not sure which direction leads me with the most anxiety because yes no questions is easy and I don't have to feel exposed but are they in denial? Do they really understand? What should I do? WEll most recently I tried to re-educate and I talked about outbreaks and statistics. I did my job. Still no questions.

2. Have entered a relationship with someone and still no questions or concerns. By now it's baffling that the topic has not come up at all and I know it's my job to bring it up again before we get intimate. I could take the easy route but I find myself having the talk again. Still no questions. Am I doing the talk wrong? Is this like a major denial? So I ask my partner "Are you afraid of getting it? Will you be mad if you get it?" She says yes but does not want to discuss it any further. So I am stuck do I proceed? Do I end it. People are going to worry for themselves and that's pretty normal.

3. Already been intimate discussed the topic several times and I bring it up again when I have an outbreak. My partner says and I quote "What is an outbreak!!!!". So no I must not have done my job or she wasn't listening. So I retell her and explain it again realizing that words like outbreak are lingo and need to be explained. When I tell her about the cold sores for what seems like the hundreth time she says "You can get those there!!". Now I am ready to scream.

4. Have an outbreak so inform my partner but my partner thinks I just don't want to have sex with them. I feel like I am protecting them but they feel rejected.

 

So I guess my point with this story is that no matter how good you think you are at educating others about H, there are always going be new things to discover. You are never done disclosing, and that may be awkward or uncomfortable but it's the reality. This situation was really helpful for me because I wonder how many of my partners in the past did not truly understand what I meant when I disclosed and how I can get better at the Talk for the future.

[WCSDancer2010]

@jessiw

 

You just learned a REALLY important life lesson ... some people Just.Don't.Listen. Period. And there is only so much talking you can do and then you have to allow THEM to take the repercussions for not listening IMO ... or drive yourself crazy obsessing about trying to get it "right" ;)

 

 

However, one thing you can do is PRINT OUT the handouts we have on here and give them the link to @Adrial 's video - some people absorb information better that way - and if they don't and something happens and they try to blame you, you can point out that you gave them that info and if they didn't bother to read it or ask more questions after you hounded them for months, then it's really not your fault if they felt "mis-informed" ;)

 

Handouts + disclosure e-book:

http://eepurl.com/b4IPP

 

Herpes facts video

 

[jessiw]

I did give her a flyer. I even watched her read through it lol. We even came on to this site!

[jessiw]

I really enjoyed reading your response! I truly think that people learn in different ways and some of us cannot really understand herpes until we get it. I agree with your selective attention in this situation I call it selective memory! What I think is most important is that disclosure is ongoing if you are with a partner who doesn't have h, because you have to disclose if you have an outbreak, you have to be comfortable enough to deal with those times. I think you will be fully prepared when you are ready to disclose!