Does anyone feel like they have to settle with this condition?

[Blueskygirl]

I just want to hear from others on this issue, particularly the women. I was diagnosed with HSV2 three years ago. I thought that when I found Positive Singles, I would give me hope but I've just found that half of the guys I met on there wanted hookups. The other guys were nice but there wasn't enough chemistry or they just didn't seem interested. I did have sex with three guys from PS, hoping it would lead to a relationship or in time the guy would fall in love with me. Of course this didn't happen. One of them became verbally abusive towards me and I accepted his bad treatment because he was very good looking.

 

I've disclosed to 3 guys - an ex-bf who couldn't deal with it, one guy who was confirmed H-, and a recent guy who seemed to really like me but decided to blow me off and not even have the courage to talk to me face to face or even call me. The last 2 guys I did have sex with once so they were willing to take the 1% risk that time. I'm guessing they didn't want to take the risk by being in an ongoing relationship with me.

 

I feel so low that I feel like I have to settle for hook ups with guys from PS or for any guy (unknown H or H- status) that will accept me. Sometimes I wish I could lie like my giver did to me because the recent guy probably wouldn't have ditched me. I've tried to live my life with honesty and integrity by disclosing and this is what I get.

 

Ladies, have you been in situations where you tolerated bad treatment from someone or felt like you had to settle for someone just because they accepted you?

[StillMeButWiser]

Since my diagnoses in jan, I haven't disclosed to any potential contenders. (Not ready to date). But I did learn from my abusive marriage...By settling and tolerating mean treatment it is going against who you are and eventually you will loose yourself. If their love for you is hurting you, it's not love.

 

Know this, you didn't do anything wrong to be treated so poorly. It is the unmanly man with their insecurities because real men don't act this way. You deserve to be treated with kindness and respect. It is scary to think this maybe your only option. But it's not. Don't give up, think positive and know who you are and what you have to offer. Never let anyone take that from you. True love will come.

[WCSDancer2010]

Uh Nope Nope Nope. Never EVER settle. No matter what your situation friend! I'm 53 and I've never settled and I never will and I've had several LTR's with H- men.

 

I did have sex with three guys from PS, hoping it would lead to a relationship or in time the guy would fall in love with me. Of course this didn't happen.

 

One thing I can assure you ... you can't buy love with sex. I think you may have finally figured that out... at least I hope so. Honey, never, EVER give your beautiful self to a man who doesn't deserve it if you are looking for love. He has to EARN it. Read any advice from any dating guru and they will tell you that men generally classify women into 2 categories: Good time hook-ups and Wife/relationship Material - and when you give yourself too soon, you are far more likely to end up in the first category. And I'm no prude. I love sex as much as anyone and I've had casual and short term relationships myself ... and I finally "got it" that those experts might just be onto something...LOL

 

Check this link out. Be warned its VERY explicit, but it gets the point across all too well, and it's written to women from a MAN ;)

 

Raw and unapologetic truths about dating with herpes

http://blackgirlsareeasy.com/2014/02/dating-with-a-std.html

 

I've disclosed to 3 guys - an ex-bf who couldn't deal with it, one guy who was confirmed H-, and a recent guy who seemed to really like me but decided to blow me off and not even have the courage to talk to me face to face or even call me. The last 2 guys I did have sex with once so they were willing to take the 1% risk that time. I'm guessing they didn't want to take the risk by being in an ongoing relationship with me.

 

So you also are learning that men (and some women) will F*ck first and worry about it later if the opportunity is right in front of them. AND, this goes back to my comment about the category they probably put you in. AND, that's not a comment on YOU ... it's just how a lot of guys think... and learning how to DATE SMART ;)

 

You are also experiencing what I call the Wingman Effect of Herpes ...because H will show you what the other person is REALLY looking for and what they are REALLY like real fast. If a guy blows you off after you disclose, he's a coward... a REAL MAN will be honest with you even if he CHOOSES (and that IS their right) to not continue the relationship AND he will do his best to let you know that it's not about YOU, it's about HIM and his fears, or that he's really just not THAT into you and the disclosure made him face *his* truth. Men face things even when it's uncomfortable, BOYS RUN. Sounds like you have been dating a lot of boys :(

 

Check these links out and I strongly suggest that you read all of the Success Stories that you can... because we have a ton of people on here who are finding love and most are with H- partners. What you need to do is learn to have enough love for YOURSELF to never EVER settle .... and to learn how to tell when the guy is into YOU even more than he wants to GET INTO you ;)

 

http://supporttruthanddialog.com/using-herpes-as-your-wingman/

 

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/5897/my-first-disclosure-story#latest Wingman example

 

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/3309/successful-herpes-disclosure-but-not-for-the-reasons-you-might-think (Herpes Wingman example Mazedaze818 )

 

Herpes as a relationship filter Adrial

 

 

 

[WCSDancer2010]

And if you can, I seriously suggest that you see if you can get to the H Opp weekend ... it is the BEST weekend ever! I was at the last one and the transformation that I saw in the people there was amazing.... mention PAM10 in the payment section and you can get a 10% discount too :)

[PositivelyBeautiful]

Hi @Blueskygirl, I read your other post as well about the most recent guy going MIA, but wanted to give you a single response... First of all, I'm really sorry that you are hurting right now... but I want you to try to understand that this guy's disappearance act has absolutely nothing to do with you... whatever he is going through right now, this is how he is choosing to handle it. This is not a reflection of what he thinks or feels about you, this is about him. This doesn't make him wrong or a bad person, everyone makes decisions based on how they are feeling at the time, their previous experiences, and what they ultimately feel is best for them. You can speculate all you want about why he has chosen to act like this, but ultimately, it's all out of your control. You cannot force or expect anyone to react the way you would have or the way you want them to... let him go. The reason you are having so much anxiety is because you are internalizing his behavior, when in fact, you need to just accept the reality that he is gone and he has chosen to leave for his own reasons, and trust it's for the best, and move on to find someone more worthy of you.

 

I've been in this situation 3 times in the last year, and I'm not going to pretend it's easy... but trying to figure it all out will serve you no good. Nor will thinking that you or herpes is the reason he left... Trust that this is exactly what needed to happen, and try to learn from this experience. Each time I let go, and came to understand it was the best decision for them, every day got easier. Eventually, you will get your answers... in my situation, each of them came back... but I didn't want them anymore. I understood in the time they had left that I was worth so much more, I deserved better. They gave me that... the time I needed to understand I was potentially settling for less than I deserved. Blessing in disguise.

 

That said, there is something underlying here that comes across in both of your posts... it sounds like you are seeking acceptance in other people, when in fact, you need to be looking for that within yourself. To even allow yourself to settle for less than you deserve suggests you still have not really found your own worth. The fact that you gave your body to someone, admitting you felt pressured into doing so, suggests you were seeking acceptance and validation in your worth externally. This is what this experience and all the ones before are trying to teach you. NO ONE, no one but YOU decides what you are worth. No one can give that to you or make you feel accepted. You have to understand, that regardless of herpes, and every other imperfection, you are beautiful and worthy. You have to believe that you are worthy and deserving of the greatest love from depths of your being. When you do, you will hold your partners to higher standards, and you won't settle for anything less than being treated with love, respect and kindness and compassion. When you do that, when you believe in your own self-love and worth, and follow-through with actions that reinforce those beliefs, that's when the right guy will walk into your life. He will see everything you already see in yourself.

 

And please know that your body is sacred... hold off on the physical side of your relationships. When someone is worthy of your heart, then and only then, are they worthy of your body. I read this quote once through this journey (actually here - a must-read post!! http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/2886/herpes-yoga-and-self-love), and it stuck... “Your naked body should only belong to those who fall in love with your naked soul.” - Charlie Chaplin in a letter to his daughter. Let it stick.

 

All that to say, you deserve to NEVER settle, to find great love and complete acceptance for exactly who you are... but it starts from within. Do some soul-searching, commit to confronting the parts of you that you try to hide, and learn to love them anyways... tell yourself every day why you are an amazing soul, and believe it... every day, you will feel stronger, and more confident and more deserving than the previous. It will take time, it will be hard, but it will be worth it, you are worth it.

 

I hope this helps a little. Stay strong. A few quotes for you:

 

"If you persistently seek validation from others, you will inadvertently invalidate your own self-worth." - Dodinsky

"Learn to accept rather than expect, you will have far fewer disappointments." - Unknown

"We become aware of the void as we fill it." - Antonio Porchia

 

[WCSDancer2010]

 

I've been in this situation 3 times in the last year, and I'm not going to pretend it's easy... but trying to figure it all out will serve you no good. Nor will thinking that you or herpes is the reason he left... Trust that this is exactly what needed to happen, and try to learn from this experience. Each time I let go, and came to understand it was the best decision for them, every day got easier. Eventually, you will get your answers... in my situation, each of them came back... but I didn't want them anymore. I understood in the time they had left that I was worth so much more, I deserved better. They gave me that... the time I needed to understand I was potentially settling for less than I deserved. Blessing in disguise.

 

This is SOOOO important to get!!!!!! Each person who comes into your life has the potential to teach you something.

 

Beautiful answer @PositivelyBeautiful :)