To disclose through text or face to face?

[2Legit2Quit]

I grew up w a lot of abuse and w a mother who did everything she could to let me know I wasn't wanted, she was resentful of my existance, hated me and made sure she could destroy any strong will she saw in me and confidence. Aside from all that I still succeeded and used my career to and how far I went up the ladder to I guess validate me in some sorts. Then I got there and I realized I had no family and not many people I could trust around me. I moved around a lot sue to time in service and traveled for work as well my closest friends love in different states and even countries. One common denominator I hear except from the woman that is like the mother I never had, is I am hard to love. Even a friend saying that to me as she does, does some serious destruction to me internally.. She is someone who has been selfish and not very reliable at times, but has also been there at some of my worst and my own blood wasn't. I tend to be drawn towards selfish and self serving people, because that's all I knew about love, was doing a lot of heavy lifting to show I can be loved growing up and being thrown scraps if that. Having things told to me as a child that she wish shedwhad an abortion w me or no wonder I'm dead to my father has made it very hard for me to ever see any worth in me or anything to love. My friends will say I have the biggest heart, care for others more than I care for myself, but as I mentioned before, I put people through a trial run for some time, unless I see consistency from the very start w them. So getting herpes on top of my other issues definitely has made it that much harder for me.

 

I'm the strength for others on another forum, but can never show my weakness there or that I need support, because they rely on me for that. So I knew I'd get that coming here, so thank you. It is so hard always having to be strong by myself. It was really hard along w other things in life, not to take this as if I'm being punished and I must not be a good person.

 

Regardless of my situation w this guy, I know and dread the day, that I will feel and be just like @whitedaisies, because deep down, I don't think I am worth that risk. I've done everything possible to push this guy away from the start. I've gone out on second dates and when I see what a good guy he is, have said I think there is someone else better out there for you. I just do not know if it is possible to gain a self esteem at this age, I think the foundation has to be built when you are a child in order for it to last. I feel Adrial handles things the way he does so well, because he has a mother that made him feel incredible and not do to him what was done to her. Too bad my mother didn't do that; alas I admire you both to do what you do unashamedly.

 

Sorry for venting, especially for shit that doesn't even have to do w herpes, but again as I've said before, herpes puts a spotlight on preexisting issues and has made things resurface for me. :-)

[WCSDancer2010]

Oh Herpes definitely magnifies things ... AND ... it gives you the opportunity to work through them too. And yes, of course if you have the support and love as a child it's "easier" to have self worth but it's also possible to find it if you are willing to do the work. BTW, you should hear @Adrial 's story - he wasn't always this confident ... that's why he started this forum... because he gets just how easily we can let this bring out all of our "stuff". I didn't have "bad" parents but I was sorta awkward and didn't fit in with most of the kids I went to school with. I got married at 19 ...before I developed my "self" and while the marriage wasn't "bad", it didn't help me to grow.... so it wasn't until after I got divorced, met a man I was crazy about who eventually walked away and left me totally devastated ( I really was a basket case for over a year...menopause wasn't helping!) that I set out to find some personal growth classes and seminars and it's because of the work I did there (several YEARS of work) that I am where I am at now. I realized I had my own childhood "damage" that flared up big time when the BF left...brought out huge abandonment issues too ... the point is, I haven't always been able to deal with life like I do now. It's taken a lot of work and a lot of guidance from people like Adrial in seminars very like the H Opp weekend (they just didn't have the common subject of Herpes to draw us together).

 

This may sound crazy but in a way Herpes can HELP you to make better partner choices... it will make you slow down and observe if the person is worthy of knowing your status ... AND their reaction will tell you if they DESERVE to be with you ... the hard part is that if a guy acts like a jerk and treats you with disrespect after you disclose, to not take it personally or as proof that you are unworthy because it really is ONLY a reflection of who that person is (ie, a self serving jerk!) And you get to see it up front and get away from it before you are too emotionally invested!

 

I truly hope that you can find something (therapy, seminars, whatever) that can help you break through your self doubt. It's not always easy, but it's well worth the effort.

[2Legit2Quit]

Sorry... Had gotten myself a hold of a couple glasses of wine and before I knew it, was having an emotional trip... Lol. I definitely have to work and focus on all me. Thanks so much for your support.

 

BTW seeker and I have gotten in touch w one another.

[whitedaisies]

Feel better

[2Legit2Quit]

@WCSDancer2010 I sent that article to him you posted and said I'd gotten advice from a friend and they saw red flags in your reaction to things and he said of course I'm sure you told them only your side and not all the stuff you've done to get me to this point and be so frustrated w you. I stated that I shared it was my fault that we even got here and I said things to hurt you and she still saw it as unhealthy regardless, because of your reactions and how you take everything so personally. I even pointed out an example about how my asking him to get tested resulted in him seeing it as me saying he is a dirty whore. He didn't believe me that I shared I was at fault and did things wrong... I was on the verge of disclosing, but after his inability to take any accountability or tey to come up w solutions, along w hanging up on me... I decided not to.

 

@whitedaisies. In regards to the swabs you do, I thought sores needed to be present in order to collect enough virus to show up on a test. Are those culture swabs or DNA swabs, like they use in studies to find out how often you're shredding?

[whitedaisies]

These are pcr swabs that they use in testing for shedding. They collect genetic material and are not viral swabs.

 

All mine have been negative

[whitedaisies]

They are good at detecting herpes in atypical symptoms and with shedding. No, sores don't need to be present.

[2Legit2Quit]

Cool... That's good

[WCSDancer2010]

Well, are you surprised at his reaction to you sending the article and telling him that all his reactions are "wrong"? He's not able to see his stuff, and you are rubbing salt into the wounds that he obviously has.

 

AND - he is right - we only know your side of things ... but even with that, I'd say you two are just not a great match because each of your "wounds" is triggered by the reaction of the other to their own wounds .... ;)

[2Legit2Quit]

Yup... You are absolutely correct... We are a chain reaction to one another and toxic