Feeling lost and depressed

[kmd89]

I have recently been diagnosed with HSV2 . I got my first outbreak in December 2013 but the doctor had said it was a severe yeast infection. I just had my first babies , twins this past December and afterwards I got another outbreak. I went to my OB and got tested. That's when I got the bad news. They said by the numbers I have had it at least a year, which explains the first outbreak. I had never had anything like that happen to me. I have never even had a yeast infection so when all this happened I knew something was wrong. The father of my children accepts it but our relationship isn't good at all. He has a alcohol addiction and anger issues. He is verbally abusive and can talk real ugly and be disrespectful to me. I'm already tired of it. I know me and him will not work out in the end. My babies don't need to see that type of anger or bad relationship. I just feel at the same time no one else will accept or what to be with me because of my condition. I have read on here the feeling that your dirty or no one will want you. That's exactly how I feel. I feel like my life has taken a bad turn for the worse in the past 2 years. I was in a loving relationship for 9 years . I had been with him since I was 14 but since I wanted to see what else was out there , thinking I would find better I broke it off with him. I did cheat on him once, which I regret everyday. I had three sexual partners after him including my babies father. I know who I contracted the virus from more than likely because I found out that guy was sleeping around with people at the same time. I cant help but feel like I messed up my life. If I would have just stayed with my ex of 9 years I wouldn't be in this situation. I think about him everyday wishing things would be different. I don't know how to move on. I am in this relationship I hate but I feel stuck since he accepts it. I feel like I wont ever be able to find love again and to actually be happy in life. I want better for my babies but I just don't know where to start and accept all of this.

[Sadpanda]

So sorry to hear you're having a hard time. But the what if scenarios don't really help

since you can't change the past. I divorced my abusive husband last year (and acquired hsv 2 shortly thereafter from an ex of mine). I kept saying to myself if I had just stuck it out, I wouldn't have herpes now. But I can't tell you how happy and relieved I am with my life now. Even WITH herpes. It's like an elephant was standing on my chest for 8 yrs and finally he left. No more anxiety coming home from work, no more living in fear, no more worrying about saying or doing the wrong thing to set him off. (Or doing nothing at all, which also set him off). Do you have some place safe you and your babies can go? The last thing I would worry about if finding someone else right now and work on getting away and into a safe place. I was with someone for 8 yrs who was abusive, and it got progressively worse. It started out verbal/emotional, then eventually became physical. He shook me violently when I was 3 mths pregnant with his child, but the last straw was when he choked me in front of my own kids and my son called the police. I'm saying all this because I kept hoping things would get better but they DONT. Not with an abuser unless they seek help.

I'm with a wonderful man now (also hsv2 +), but we're both on meds and herpes doesn't really affect our relationship. He treats me so well it's like living in a dream or a lifetime movie. Lol. I would GLADLY take herpes and the repercussions of it several times over if it means I could have the life I have now vs the hell i went through for 8 yrs. Give it time, you will find someone else, but first you have to heal from mr wrong. You and your babies deserve better. Hugs.

[kmd89]

Thank you Sadpanda . I appreciate you sharing your story . He is currently living with my mom and I . I'm glad that I have my mom there at least . Sadly I have been in this lie thinking he would change . Of course he says he will change and seek help . Never does . My mom doesnt like him but puts up with him for me. Just everything has been so negative the last year . I dont even feel like myself anymore . I try and be strong for my babies and thats what keeps me going on days I feel like just crying. I hope things get better and one day I can be happy like you.

[WCSDancer2010]

@kmd89

 

Hello and Welcome!

 

Take it from an old timer (35+ yrs with the virus) ... you can and WILL find love with Herpes.. in fact, those of us who have been dealing with it for awhile will often tell people it actually makes a great Wingman because you learn who deserves to be in your life....

 

I agree with @Sadpanda... you need to get that guy out of your life ... ASAP. Do it for your babies. That kind of energy WILL translate to them.... and I agree, staying with him because of your fear of dealing with finding a relationship with Herpes, and your regrets from the past is not a healthy reason for staying. You need to get away and learn to love and respect yourself before you can let anyone in right now.

 

AND ... you need to set the example for your children that you would hope they would learn and follow. Children who witness abusive relationships often enter into the same kind of relationship as adults because they don't know any different. So if nothing else do what you need to do to to create the kind of environment and life that you would wish for them... ok? :)

 

(((HUGS)))

[fitgirl]

Once again, no solicitation of this forum