I almost beat up the Infector

[Brynn2012]

It's a tight knit community in Dallas, not a small "town" by any means...but people circulate between the same few places. My father visited my old job the other night. Talked with everyone and for the first time he said it wasn't about him, that I had made a irrevocable impact. He was proud. The bartender was the guy who infected me with HSV1, chatted up my father...he knew who he was, but he won't talk to me. I tried to reach out and he would not respond. My father didn't know THAT was the guy until he came home. It set me off, hearing his name...that he was with my father. I hated it, loathed the situation. And I lost it. Told the few friends I had left that I was going to end this, hurt him in the most primitive way. I drove around and ended up just crying, alone in my car...went home. It wasn't worth it. But tonight I felt the need to act. I texted him (seems everyone I didn't want to have my new number acquired it...) and he was hostile but he agreed to come outside.

 

We talked for two hours, I sat in the grass while he stood. I said I felt disrespected, that I lost everyone and when I needed a ally...he wasn't there. He ended up agreeing that he handled the situation poorly...that he didn't know what to say, that we always ended up arguing and it was hindering us both. That he cared in what seemed to be a general sense. I said that I have genital herpes, I got the raw end of the deal...not that oral is nothing, but it isn't really associated with sex and false promiscuity. We went back and forth between serious and casual conversation, and I told him I don't feel anything romantic towards him. Asked if he wanted to be friends and it ended with a long hug/acceptance that we would work up to it.

 

Now. I don't know what to feel. There is a weight lifted, because now my anger isn't so directed toward him. But i am not very accepting of myself. I am bitter that I have no friends guys. I am. I have maybe one left. We can argue none of them were real friends, okay. I'm still alone. And do I feel nothing for him? Not necessarily, but I could see tonight that it wouldn't work-getting emotion out of him is like pulling teeth...he is bizarre when it comes to women. And I don't think I can be his friend...I want to be important and I don't think he gets it. I want him to care about me more than other people...that is a problem. Should I try to maintain a friendship? I don't even know if I care. I just figure I'm never going to forget him so he might as well be in my life. I think I'm wrong. Should I accept we are on okay terms and let it go. And i mean, genuinely let it go? I'm already all mixed up. I'm glad I didn't hit him because he would have hit me back. We would've ended up in jail. Maybe I hate him but am too knowledgeable with regard to my part to say it.

 

[Anna01]

Hey Brynn :)

Well my opinion on the matter...let it go, let him go, let them go! Haha...he is not helping you in the slightest. I honestly don't believe he ever will. You are a painful reminder that he is H+. I do not believe that his lack of empathy is healthy for you and I don't think your resentment towards him is healthy for him either. You need to let him go. It only brings you more feelings of pain and rejection. You don't deserve that. Nobody does. So do what is right for you....move on. Focus on becoming a stronger woman. You need to love you some you :) Stop trying to find comfort in him because he is not offering it. I am sorry if I sound harsh but I want you to really understand that you are only hurting yourself more. It is an extremely unhealthy situation. Honestly, if you can't handle being around him, I would strongly suggest getting another job. You will NEVER move on and recover emotionally if you are always in his presence. When at this point, you can't even stand to hear his name. Don't let it get the best of you ok?

XOXO

[2Legit2Quit]

@brynn2012 I agree w everything @anna01 said. As for the friends part, I was in your situation almost two yrs ago. My friends who live far away kept encouraging me to join a meetup for singles and have a couple of yrs resisting, I did. I now have good friends and casual friends, but had a booming social life after joining meetup. It can be awkward at first, but they're all in the same boat as you. We plan trips together. Some have traveled put of country together and have made best friends w one another. So I highly recommend joining a meetup group or a few, that fits your interests.

[Brynn2012]

@Anna01

 

I did leave that job :-[, almost a month ago. I knew I was never going to be able to deal with it. I could not have worked in that environment. It just hurts, especially to feel the weight of wasted time.

[Brynn2012]

@2Legit2Quit

 

You're right. I am isolating my self as if those were the only friends I was going to have. I'm not upset, I find myself very angry. It's just hard to think about trusting people in general in the future, but I eventually will and I will be so much smarter because of this.

[2Legit2Quit]

I was in the exact same boat as you last yr and had new friends do some messes up stuff to me that I meant in Meetup right before my diag. I became reclusive and dis not want to put myself back out there againagain, but eventually did. This diagnosis taught me who my real friends were. It's OK to be angry, just don't simmer in it too long, because then it will poison you.

[Anna01]

@Brynn2012 Good! Thank God you left that place! Now you can focus on inner strength...self reliance. I am so cautious about who my friends are. At the end of the day it is a relationship. Be as selective as you would for a boyfriend. If I get bad vibes....you will be an acquaintance...period. Be careful who you trust. Some people just don't deserve it. ;-)

[Brynn2012]

@2Legit2Quit

 

I am simmering and you're so right. I have to cut all ties with these people, including emotional ones, otherwise I am going to be worse off a year from now.

 

@Anna01

 

I'm such a open book that people assume they have my trust before they really do and I just fall into the trap of being their friend. Like, what do I even see in these people? They're judgmental and act like they're doing me a favor by being my friend.

[WCSDancer2010]

I have to keep this brief... it's late and I have a flight to catch in the morning, but I call Herpes my Wingman because you really see people for who they are when you disclose or discuss it with them ... these links will explain more ... and I agree, he's not healthy for you to be around, so walk away and move on :)

 

(((HUGS)))

 

http://supporttruthanddialog.com/using-herpes-as-your-wingman/

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/5897/my-first-disclosure-story#latest Wingman example

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/3309/successful-herpes-disclosure-but-not-for-the-reasons-you-might-think (Herpes Wingman example Mazedaze818 )

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/6347/my-disclosure-story 2 very different reactions … but both are “successful” in their own ways :)

 

 

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/6070/it-gets-better great tips for newbies

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/2886/herpes-yoga-and-self-love

 

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/6596/6-month-herp-iversary-how-i-survived-embrace-being-single-with-herpes

 

Herpes as a relationship filter Adrial