Really? At this age?

[aquamarine]

I don't know what I used to believe about herpes.... that it was something only careless teenagers get? Or porn stars? Or very promiscuous people? I honestly never thought about it that much. I mean, I'm intelligent enough, I know STD's are a reality, but the subject of herpes just wasn't on my radar. I'm 49 years old and I've been married for 17 years. In a sexless marriage, mind you. That's right, basically celibate for 17 years.

 

So how did this happen? Well just this past year, after much thought and couples therapy and tearful conversations, my husband and I agreed on an open marriage. The decision was driven by me, as I was becoming increasingly unhappy living in a marriage with no physical intimacy. The reasons for that are many and varied, too many to get into here. Thankfully my husband was agreeable to the idea. Not that he was thrilled about it, but he wasn't going to prevent it, and there would be no deception involved.

 

In April went to my OB GYN and asked to be tested for all the STD's, and the tests came back negative. I'd never experienced any troubling symptoms, so this was expected. So happily I go skipping off into the world of online dating, tra-la-la-la-la! A few weeks ago I went out with a guy, and it led to a wild night of uninhibited, unprotected sex. Everything, oral, intercourse, everything. He had a vasectomy so I wasn't worried about pregnancy. As for STD's, he said he was clean, he didn't have any visible signs of anything, so I rolled with it. Of course the few glasses of wine and the fact that I was extremely horny made it almost impossible we wouldn't end up in bed together. I mean, really, what did I think was going to happen? I've wanted and needed to get properly laid for so damn long now, nothing was going to stop me! lol

 

The next day I could tell I had a UTI, so I went to have it checked out. They ran a urinalysis and also did a swab test for STI's due to the risky encounter and increased vaginal discharge. The UTI was confirmed and treated with oral antibiotics. To be safe, they gave me an injection to prevent gonorrhea. I've since learned that first swab test came back negative. I'm not sure what they tested for exactly. I don't think they tested for H because I didn't have any visible signs. I'm going to pick up a copy of the lab results so I know for sure.

 

Two days later, the UTI seemed to be clearing, I was feeling good. I had another date with a 2nd guy. We really hit it off, big time, on every level. The UTI was clearing up, no weird rashes or bumps had appeared yet. All was good I thought. Things got physical again, this time it was him going down on me, then we had intercourse using a condom.

 

The next day I started feeling sick, achy, feverish, run down. I stayed in bed all weekend. Meanwhile a burning sensation was building, and not just when I would go to the bathroom. And a few days later (7 days after the first encounter), the dreaded blisters appeared. I almost passed out when I saw them. I prayed maybe it was an allergic reaction to the Vagisil cream I put on earlier, but I knew. Next day I went to the OB GYN and had a swab test and a blood test. They started me on Valtrex 1000 mg twice a day. The swab test confirmed HSV1 positive, but no HSV2. The blood tests were all normal - no antibodies to HSV1 or HSV2. So this is a new infection? Yes ma'am this is a brand new infection. Congratulations!!!! You're our very first customer and you win herpes for LIFE!!! ! YAAAAY!!!

 

Yes I have a warped sense of humor. I've since learned a lot more about H, how common it is, how easily it's spread even without symptoms. My eyes have been opened.

 

I just got off the phone with the first guy. I've been assuming it was him who gave me the H, but now I wonder? Could it have been the 2nd guy and the blisters showed up just a few days later? Or was it the first guy, and could I have unknowingly passed HSV1 along to the 2nd guy? The two encounters were just a few days apart, it was a very busy week! I'm going to disclose everything to the 2nd guy too, and I have another doctor appointment next week to get more details, but it's been nagging at me. I hate the thought that I unwittingly put someone else at risk.

 

Sooo.... it's feast or famine I guess. 17 years of no action (with a partner that is, thank god for porn and vibrators!) and now THIS???

 

I would welcome any ideas, insights, advice, wisdom, comfort.... I know I'm trying to be all lighthearted about it, but I have had some low moments. I told my husband everything and he's afraid to even give me a peck on the lips now. That's really hard to take.

 

Thank you for listening.

[Anna01]

Wow! What a story! First let me say, I think humor is awesome and it helps us cope with frustrating situations. Isn't that amazing though....celibate for 17 YEARS and then you get herpes one out of the two times you had sex. That is so crazy to me. PROOF that it doesn't matter who you are or the situation....we all are vulnerable to stds. SO in my opinion it seems like it could possibly be guy #2 since it is HSV1. Most new genital herpes cases are HSV1 oral to genital. So that is my guess. However, it very well could be the first guy. How did he sound when you called him and told him about it?

[WCSDancer2010]

@aquamarine

 

Hello and Welcome!

 

Well, I got HSV1 orally at age 4 and HSV2 genitally on my first sexual encounter ... so I feel ya with the issue of killing all the odds on the first time out.

 

So first - tell your hubby that if you are not having sex, you can't pass H to him because you have it GENITALLY!!!!! Seeing as he is not interested in that part of your body, he is quite safe. AND, he may well already have it orally because 80% of the population has it orally and 80% of them don't know it (thanks, in part, to the fact that the CDC recommends against testing without symptoms or risky encounters). So he can get off his high horse and get educated before he starts going all clinical on you 😉

 

Second... odds are you got it from the first guy. With luck, especially as it's HSV1, and you used a condom, Guy #2 will be in the clear... but you *sould* tell him and give him our handouts because if anything perhaps this will help HIM to understand the risks of having sex with someone you just met. And I'm not at all a prude... but I DO believe we need to educate people so they take CALCULATED risks when it comes to sex.... because many who know the risks will still take them, but at least if something happens, the shock factor isn't there 😉 ... so this may be a good learning experience time for him.

 

The "good" thing is that with HSV1, because 80% of the population has it, odds are most guys you meet will at least have it orally. And once it settles down (about 6 months to a year) it sheds a lot less than HSV2.

 

We have some printouts and links you should give the hubby, and the guys you were with. Tell them we are happy to answer any questions on here for them (we have a section for H- people who have loved ones with H just for them!) and they can always PM me if they'd rather not post on the boards.

 

You will be fine. I just saw that 50% of women who are not married (which, in your case, your situation regarding your sex life would have put you in our numbers as they were looking at people who are single/dating) have genital H by the time they are 50.... so you are FAR from alone in this ...

 

(((HUGS)))

 

Handouts + disclosure e-book:

https://www.herpesopportunity.com/lp/ebook

 

http://projectaccept.org/who-gets-hsv/

 

Herpes facts video

 

 

 

 

 

[aquamarine]

Thank you ladies so very much for responding. I appreciate your kindness and support soooooo much! Yes humor is my go-to method for everything. I do believe laughter is the best medicine.

 

I devoured all the vids on this site and many more on Youtube. I've been educating myself big time since this happened. When I told the first guy, it was a quick phone conversation and I emailed the handout to him right after. It's hard to say how he sounded, maybe a bit taken aback? I haven't spoken the the second guy yet but I will, he's away on business right now. It'll be interesting to see how he responds.

 

And thank you for the suggestion to give my hubs the handouts, I haven't done that yet. I know he's doing his own research and I explained things to him as best I could, he's not at any risk living the way we've been living, but he's still being weird. It's an area of my life I seriously need to address.

 

I want and need a lover in my life. I've decided I will NOT let H kill that dream. It's just a new wrinkle, right? But I do feel sad at the same time, I feel a loss. Those sneaky little voices that wonder who'd want to take the risk for me.

 

It's good to know I'm not alone. You can bet I'll be much more careful going forward, full disclosure, calculated risks.... sage advice. Thank you again, so much.

 

With much appreciation,

J (aquamarine)

[2Legit2Quit]

I agree w the odds being the first guy, that's immediately what I thought reading it, as I had strange symptoms very quickly after my first encounter. Don't feel bad, I went two yrs no sex and then the first time I did after all that time, I got HSV 2. Fun stuff.

 

We all feel who would want to take that risk w us, but it's just not true. I have 7 gfs w it, 6 are married w kids now and 1 in her 9yrs w it, has never had a rejection... So there's that to hang on to. I've disclosed once to an old flame and he wasn't scared off by it, but I was ..

[aquamarine]

@2Legit2Quit that's amazing, you have 6 gfs with it. I haven't told any of my friends about this yet, it's still brand new, but if and when I do it will be interesting to see how many "me too" responses I get! Thank you for the encouragement, it means so much to me, you're so kind to take the time to write.

[2Legit2Quit]

7 gfs w it to be exact. Only one if then isn't married w kids.

 

So you decided to share w your husband I see? Just out if curiosity, what made you do that, since you both do not enagage in sexual activity and what was his response?

 

May I also ask why stay married, if it's been sexless? People deserve to be happy and free, no matter the age. I don't understand why you both are cheating yourselves from such. As they saying goes, "I can do bad all by myself", so why be in a sexless marriage? Of you don't want to share on the post, you can private message me.

[aquamarine]

We're like best friends, so I naturally shared with him when I got diagnosed. His response was sympathetic and supportive.

It's complicated, why we decide to stay in situations... there are many factors involved. I've certainly asked myself those same questions.