I had someone who loved me ....... Now she hates me.

[HatingMeNow]

My story has no happy ending.

 

Let me set the premise. I was single for 10 years prior to my current relationship with my girlfriend (term is loosely). The previous relationship before that, I was with a girl who transferred me my "curse", of HSV-2. She did so with malice, and at the time I found out, found out she had cheated on me with someone else. I found out, by walking in on her doing it. Weeks later, I started having unknown symptoms I was not used to. When I had it diagnosed, my doctor at the time (a senile older man), told me I did not have Herpes, but a variant skin condition. I spent the next 10 years ashamed of myself, knowing I had something that was not curable, but in a sinking depression, knowing for a fact I would never find someone to love me for me and build with me.

 

That was before the love of my life found me last October. I told her about what I perceived as my condition, and I had a weight lifted. She accepted it. We had such a great love for each other, and every morning I woke up thanking God for finally sending me my love I thought was never there. This is where my brief love story ends.

 

..... In March, my love started having similar complications, we thought was a UTi, so after two wasted trips to Med Express, we finally decided to go to the Emergency Room. After an hour of tests and private conversations with Nurses, I walked into the room, and my love has eyes filled with tears staring at me, and I immediately thought the worse (she had ovarian cysts, so I thought it was something Cancer related). It wasn't, thank God, but the followup answer crushed my soul. She was diagnosed with Herpes, the disease I was told numerous times I did not have, but I had given her (she was not sexually active prior to me for 2 years). Even though she was in pain, she told me this was not going to change anything. She still loved me, and wanted to build with me. In a weird turn of events, my mind was at ease. The disease I didn't want to have myself, and now she has, was not going to be the rock that crushed us. It was another blessing. So I thought.

 

The following months since, I noticed my love becoming more and more distant with me, not as attentive to things I had ongoing, and would make excuses for seeing me and wanting me to spend the night over. I knew there was something wrong, and had no idea what it could be (we had talked about this before, and we both agreed it was not a factor in our relationship, just a hurdle we would tackle together). After months of this behavior unwavering, I finally calmly let her know how I was feeling, and was hoping our relationship could return to the level of affection and love it was when we had started dating. This...... is when my happiness would begin to die. I had not heard from her after this for over 4 days, simply receiving a text which read, "I'm overwhelmed, frustrated, and angry and I will talk when I'm ready." You have to understand, prior to this text, we had went over 10 months without a single solitary fight or squabble. I was not used to seeing her angry, especially without providing me a reason. This morning, I received my reason. She texted me and told me she had lied to me months ago, and was not okay with the predicament I had placed her in, and she was irate at me for not knowing I had this (even though I attempted to have it checked multiple times and could not have someone provide me an answer, even my medical Doctor who was my primary physician for over 25 years.) I told her I wish every day I could turn the page and prevent this from happening, and made it known to me she doesn't think she could forgive me or not look at me and be angry. She essentially told me our future, my gift, was taken away, all from something I did not want to have, was given to me in rage and vengeance, and was not given the proper treatments....... this evening, I in full circle lost the love of my life, and the one I knew in my heart of hearts I would be with the rest of my life.

 

We decided, to prevent multiple questions from friends, our social media accounts would stay we are still in a relationship, and we are, "taking a break," but it is more so a way to have it as an olive branch for my self esteem to not be fully crushed. This long diatribe is my way of fully acknowledging the following. This disease, has cost me more than happiness, and a chance at love. It has cost me my chance to have the life I feared I would never have. And for what? What did I do to deserve this? The love of my life hates me and cannot look at me the same way I see her? Before this relationship, I was again single for over a decade, watching couples and friends having loving relationships, while I was forced to admire from afar in my own personal prison. Yes, I know this goes against the grain and theme of this forum, but this is how I legit feel. I don't have the luxury of acceptance for someone to accept what I now have. Even if they did, I don't WANT someone other than my girlfriend to accept me. She was the one I wanted, and I lost her. I hurt her, and I have no way to make up for the pain I caused her, which was purposely passed to me.

 

In summation, no I am not exactly, "newly," diagnosed with Herpes. But this year, after being successfully diagnosed with it, and losing my girlfriend as a result, in my head, it is too little, too late. I will never find someone to share the connection her and I had, who loved me dearly and one time supported me fully. My one glimmer of happiness now has a permanent cloud above it, and the grey drops of rain do nothing but sheet off me.

 

Today, I lost the love of my life. Today, I am once again alone. Today, I acknowledge this, "curse," has won.

[WCSDancer2010]

@HatingMeNow

 

First, hello and welcome... and I'm sorry you are suffering tonight. I know you think that you will never find love again, but I promise you friend, you can...we have people on here EVERY DAY who find love with discordant partners.

 

I'm guessing she has bought into the stigma hook line, and sinker, and is mad because she has no control over her body/outbreaks right now. It's a VERY typical reaction to diagnosis. In other words, it's not you, it's her.....

 

Give her space. She may just need to get through this part of the "Grief cycle" on her own ....

 

I've had HSV1 orally since 4, HSV2 genitally since 17... I'm 54 now. I've had relationships with 3 H- men (though, like you I gave H2 to my now ex hubby because like you, I was misdiagnosed) but we still had a 20 year marriage after his diagnosis. The other 2 men never got it from me, and I'm just starting a relationship with another H- man right now. So while I understand that you think you will never find love, you can and you WILL ... but for now, you need to deal with the grief of what has just happened. Be patient and be gentle to yourself friend. Things will work out as they are meant to work out... promise :)

 

(((HUGS)))

[2Legit2Quit]

Playing devil's advocate and putting myself in her shoes, I would personally and w all due respect, view your perception/lack of acknowledgment of what you had, as intentionally choosing to be ignorant to it. Specifically because you stated how your gf gave it to you intentionally and you knew in your heart what it was and many yrs passed, where you could have had a blood test done for safe measures. I'm just telling you how I'd look at it and I'm willing to bet, her friends are feeding her a similar story line I just gave and that's why resentment is slowly building up and now you are seeing the results. I

 

I tend to be the more brutally forward one on here, right or wrong, I'm just giving my opinion in the situation and telling you how I'd see it, if I were in her shoes.

 

As Dancer said, give her space to go through the grieving process and what this means for her. I know easier said than done, but hang in there. She just may need time to process what this means to her and to get over wht she may feel is a betrayal.

[WCSDancer2010]

@2Legit2Quit

 

While I understand your point, fact of the matter is, when you do to a Doctor, you EXPECT to be given a reasonably correct diagnosis and accurate information. Of course *we* know better than to expect that now because we see time and again on here how many are incorrectly diagnosed (ESPECIALLY by senile older PCP's and the like). I for one was under the belief that I couldn't pass it on between OB's until my last BF thanks to the info I was given when diagnosed, that was never updated by any Dr that I discussed my H diagnosis with. So I don't blame @HatingMeNow for not going to get tested, because most people give Dr's FAR to much credit for knowing EVERYTHING there is to know in the medical world (and again, once you think about it, that would be impossible anyway) rather than listening to our bodies and our brains and doing follow up/2nd opinion tests.

 

That said, you are correct that odds are her friends are feeding her incorrect info and egging her on to blame @HatingMeNow for giving it to her "intentionally". I had a BF once who I told (and even SHOWED) about by Swing Dancing life from day one (literally took him to a dance on the first date). We tend to dance with EVERYONE and not just our "partner" (BF or otherwise). He SAW that on the first date and seemed comfortable with it... until we were a couple and his friends started telling him that *they* would never *let* their GF's dance with other guys.... then he got all weird and it was a very trying time for us...because his friends were looking at it from their "Club" experience of dancing, with no knowledge of how the Swing Dance world works..... and he bought into their uneducated opinions on how *we* should be behaving as a couple.

 

@HatingMeNow ... one thing you may want to do is point her here, or give her the links below (the Project Accept link is especially good for pointing out the reality of H in our population) and ask her to get PROPERLY educated .... including understanding that 80% of the H population doesn't know they have H (many because of incorrect diagnosis) ... Perhaps put it that whether she gets back with you or not, she should get PROPERLY educated and not go on what her friends/family are saying, or crap she comes across on websites that are not dedicated to spreading info on H. Give it to her with no attachment to what she does with it ... honor her feelings for now (she's probably really scared and feeling alone right now because she won't understand that she is FAR from alone in this)... tell her that if/when she wants support (with no attachments to what THAT means) you will be there for her and if she needs more info you will help her to get it (come ask us and we will help).

 

For now, that is all you can do. Again, whatever she does, you WILL be ok.... promise 🙂

 

Handouts + disclosure e-book:

https://www.herpesopportunity.com/lp/ebook

 

http://projectaccept.org/who-gets-hsv/

 

Herpes facts video

 

[2Legit2Quit]

@WCSDancer2010 I understand what you're saying, but I'm simply giving an opinion on how I'd look at things, if I were in her shoes. You and I both know, that men have the hardest time coming to grips w herpes and many intentionally choose to not seek further testing or any testing at all, because they don't want it to change/effect their sex and dating life. I just saw it w my friends now ex who has herpes, it was originally a deal breaker for him, but 3 months later he said she was worth the risk. She had him go get tested and turns out, he had HSV 2 all along and then comes clean, that yeah, I had some rashes here and there. Her and I both agree, he didn't want to know what it was and chose to be in denial. I'm not stating this is the case here for this gentleman, but I'm just sharing how she may see it and how if I were in her shoes, I'd see it, especially based off him starting his gf gave it to him intentionally and he just knew that's what it was. I'm just someone that wouldn't accept a diagnosis like that, if I felt confident. I knew I had H before I got diagnosed and it was the first sign, just fissures.. I KNEW it.

 

So w that said, this is why I stated I'm going to play devil's advocate on how she may be viewing things or her friends and they convinced her of such, whethet it's true or not, I think what's going on, shows that it's a high probability that she is feeling that way now after some thinking and/or her friend's telling her the same thing. Trying to show both sides of the coin here and not just give a one sided answer is all.

[HatingMeNow]

I totally understand that this is my fault.... It isn't the person who purposely gave this to me, or the 3 doctor's who told me the wrong information. It's me.... She doesn't see me as a love anymore, but as an object. Just like everyone else has seen me as. It's the reason I went over 10 years of not trying to find someone who could love me.... it's impossible to.

[WCSDancer2010]

@HatingMeNow

 

Honey... you went to THREE Dr's ... I personally don't put "blame" on you. You were given incorrect info. If you went to 1 Dr and chose to ignore it I *might* say that you could have gone for a 2nd opinion, but one would hope that by the 3rd Dr you'd get an accurate diagnosis.

 

I know you are beating yourself up for this ... but bottom line is you were terribly misinformed ... unfortunately that is all too common as many Dr's are very poorly educated about H. You are a victim of the crappy policies of the CDC and crappy Dr's....so please, stop blaming yourself for this.

 

As for being an "object" and staying away from relationship, believing that it is "impossible" to find love, is just plain incorrect. I strongly urge you to read all the stories in the Success Stories that you can... we have many many people on here who have found love with a H- partner... in fact, many will tell you that they are in the healthiest relationship that they have EVER had.

 

Unfortunately you can't make your GF listen to sense and see that you were dealing with really shitty doctors and THREE incorrect diagnosis. Again though, give her time. If she finds some GOOD sources of info, she may well see that you are not alone in the issue of misdiagnosis and that this is just plain a case of really bad luck and bad doctoring. So don't give up just yet.

 

In the meantime, read those Success Stories, as well as the links below... please. It pains me to see you in so much personal pain over this.

 

Did you look at the links I already gave you? Please do... esp the Project Accept link. There's some great reality checks on that one.

 

(((HUGS)))

 

Perspective:

 

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/6070/it-gets-better great tips for newbies

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/2886/herpes-yoga-and-self-love

 

 

 

 

[2Legit2Quit]

@hatingmenow don't beat yourself up. Hopefully over time, she'll stop listening to her friends who are creating a scenario in her head likely, that never happened. Someone who really loves you, wouldn't listen to their friends. I didn't listen when people told me not to date my ex husband, because he had HPV. I already loved him at that point. Please seek counseling to work on your self esteem issues and your trust issues. I understand what you mean though about not finding love and not looking for it, I haven't in over 5yrs since my last relationship, because I can't deal w being so hurt and betrayed like that again, but at the same time I know deep down I am only cheating myself and as I get older, it's harder to find single people to do things w, as everyone is coupled up. Don't cheat yourself.