Who I am now

[Brynn2012]

Is it bad that I don't care anymore?

 

Now, don't get me confused with the people who take the "pretend" route; pretend they don't have herpes or pretend they aren't shaken by it. What I mean is: I don't get the same anxiety about symptoms, and I have become generally cold on the subject. For instance, my longest "friend" (a person referenced in past posts) opened up to me that (ironically) she had been violently sick/had a bump on her outer labia that remained there for a week or two. And that her boyfriend seemed to have random cold sores inside his mouth. Immediately I advise she get tested, and she concurs, even though she is obviously skeptical as she has been with the same man for a duration and has had no issues. Well, she never got tested and it irks me. As if it can't happen to her, that she doesn't take her health seriously. So, sorry but I am not sympathetic when she came to me about a week ago with a similar sexual health story. It turned into a argument about money and how she couldn't afford to get tested...which is complete bullshit. It was enough for me to revoke the forgiveness I had given (maybe falsely so) and softly end that friendship. Because I was at a point where I don't want to hear it anymore. Ever. Her sob story, the inability to stick around and have a serious conversation, this whole comfort zone trap we fall into. It's so dysfunctional, but I was minutely intrigued by the prospect of her being infected too.

 

But it's not just her. It's me. I notice things, if I wore tight fitting pants and feel itchy...or just general vaginal health situations. I have yet to have another outbreak after the initial, and I just do not care. It is honestly probably a result of not having a significant other, because then I would have to care. It effects things then. But when it comes to me? No. I don't feel that anxiety because it doesn't matter to me. I feel like I am shutting out my feelings at this point.

 

I had a intimate encounter with my friend (randomly) one recent evening. Clothes on, but he fingered me. And this boy (can't even call him man), who was there when I was diagnosed. Knows the infector. Knows all about my struggle. Has the audacity to call me and ask if my "disease is stable"...because he got some zit on his finger and used Dr. Google. I pretty much told him to fuck himself for his insensitive delivery and scoffed at his "finger issue" because to me, it is incomparable to my condition and the odds of him having it are slim. I don't know if I have a real question here, I supposed I'm looking for feedback because I don't speak to either person anymore. The female I have no desire to contact again, and the young man is a good friend but I don't want to be around the infatuation. I want to know if I'm being insensitive. I can tell it's there, and I conduct myself poorly sometimes..but I am so much better off from where I started...I'm doing the best I can.

[TryingtoReach_Peace]

I'm sorry @Brynn2012. I don't know much, I've only Herpes for a month, but I can relate to your frustration with friends. You try to give them some info, tell them to get tested, tell them how high the numbers are...it's hard when they don't want to hear it. Like they are above getting it, so they just stick their heads in the sand and let the same old symptoms keep coming and going. I get it. Here you are, you decided to go face the music and get tested, others decide not to. It sucks. I can't give you advice about what to do with your friends, you know them better than i do.

 

Sometimes even people who care, they just have no idea. They can say such hurtful things. Do such hurtful things. I told my close friends about joining an online support group, I notice when I'm really in the trenches of my feelings they just kind of tell me to go vent to the support group. They don't have it so they don't get it. Honestly, they don't want to talk about it much either. One time last week i got so tired of my friends saying things about 'your condition this' 'the disease you got that' I said 'I'm sick of the euphamisms It's Herpes! I have Herpes, you can call it by it's name you won't get infected from using it's name.' They were all pretty shocked.

 

We love our friends, they love us, but they certainly don't love H. It's hard to find a balance for your heart, your head, and your relationships. Like you said 'You're doing the best you can', that's all you can do. It's ok to get angry sometimes, but please don't lose your heart to never feel again. Feelings hurt and get muddled and mixed, but please don't give up on them forever. It's ok to wall off for a bit, but i'm sure you have someone in your life who is willing to scale the wall of heart to be around you H and all. I'm sorry this happened to you, and i know it sucks a lot. Good luck, I'm rooting for youl

[2Legit2Quit]

Hmm... Well I could be wrong, but I will say that although you say you don't care about it anymore, I feel your reaction to your friends actually may show anger and resentment you have about it. I know we've discussed w you in the past about seeking therapy to dig deeper into the things troubling you and I still feel maybe you should give it a shot.

 

One thing Dancer has taught me and has continued to teach about myself, that often our negative responses to someone is more about us and not so much them. They're triggering us in some way and you have to find out why. I think your resentment of being stuck w the disease is the culprit, because empathy should have been shown w those friends and understanding... Your gf could be in denial... Your guy friend is anxious and ignorant to the virus, although him getting herpes Whitlow is a real possibility. I think you should write down What bothered you in those convos and ask yourself, "why was it so upsetting to me?" Why am I taking it so personal? I have a feeling you feel insecure and have abandonment issues and look for reason someone is going to hurt you/leave you, so you can leave before they do.

[Bambina3]

@Brynn2012 your post is filled with emotion....emotion means you care...even if it's negatively portrayed...take it from someone who can shut down all emotion and truly walk away without a word.

 

Your young man and friend just seem naive....

 

Just my 2 cents

 

Sending hugs!!