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Eek! First sex after herpes diagnosis coming up!


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Ok I am really positive about herpes...only the odd pity party that doesn't last long, even in the middle of an outbreak ... now it's the fear of sex to deal with.  Not sex itself because I love it and miss it.  But the whole 'will it set off an herpes outbreak?'..."what if he catches herpes?'..'will I be able to relax and get into it without worrying?'

 

He's a gorgeous lover from a couple of years ago who is moving back — both of us are single and have stayed friends (he's a bit younger and no kids but wants them — I'm older and had all my kids — get the picture of why we aren't still together?).  Anyway, both of us would love to be intimate again, and I have had the herpes talk and he was totally accepting, agreed that him being tested beforehand was a good idea and is looking forward to us getting together again.  

 

He is prepared to wait going all the way until i feel okay about it and understands that I may have to be 'creative' in the meantime. This is the perfect disclosure scenario and I am very thankful...just a tad nervous I won't be able to relax — well at least we have talked about it and if I freak out a bit he knows he's in for a good massage....and he will be happy with that.

 
I would appreciate any feedback on how the first time went with anyone else...any tips on making it easier?  God, I feel like it's really the first time, lol!
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Why, yes, I'd like to talk about sex with you. :-)

 

I just recently went through my "first sex" with a partner I recently disclosed to.

 

Before we got naked, I had the Herpes Opportunity Talk Part II:  Psychological Ramifications. I explained that I hadn't had sex in a long time in a meaningful way and I was nervous. I worried and wondered about things, transmissions, would he have regrets, etc. And in men, this kind of worrying can lead to...well, a certain "softening."

 

So we agreed that my new beau would spend the night. We might have sex...we might not. It all depended on how things felt in the moment. This took ALL the pressure off our first sexual experience to happen that night or for it to go a certain way...because hey, it might not even happen that first night we had sex.

 

Honestly, I wasn't sure how easily I could sleep next to another person again. I had made myself into this 'disease-carrying-monster' in my head for a few years, so I was uneasy just with nudity.

 

But we snuggled in bed, talked, and in fact, we went to bed without being sexually active. The morning was a different story, however. Something changed...the lack of pressure made me relaxed and ready. We ended up having a very sweet Naked Play Time but part of the reason it went well was because it didn't have to happen.

 

Take the pressure off yourself and when the time is right, I predict sex will feel a lot more natural.

 

MplsMan

 

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Lelani! Hey you! It's interesting, I feel more excitement in your post than fear ... which is great! Especially how you ended it with you feeling like it's your first time! (You virgin, you!) :) I also feel so much compassion in what you write: You want to make sure he's as safe as can be and that you have a fun, connected time together. I love it.

 

AND you get to go as slow as you'd like. It's amazing how if we shift our perspective with herpes, then our perspective on sex might just shift in a positive direction as well. What I mean by that is along the lines of what MplsMan referred to: Herpes is a way to slow you down, to renegotiate your relationship to intimacy ... Sex is so fast these days, so wham-bam! ... it's almost like we've forgotten how to go sloooow, how to touch, how to appreciate the simple things ... I love that you mentioned massage in your post ... how often do people do that anymore with the rush toward the sex itself? Since when has the "I want to take this slow" gotten such a negative connotation? Good things come to those who go slow (or something like that). ;) 

 

Herpes doesn't have to be a wall that blocks us from intimacy. Herpes can be something that causes us to look at intimacy in a new way. When wearing a blindfold in the bedroom do we think "Oh no! I can't see! This sucks!" or do we get excited because our other senses are more fully engaged? ;)

 

I'm happy for you, Lelani! And I love that you and this "gorgeous lover" from your past have such a cool connection on both a physical and communicative level! Enjoy it ALL! 

Notes:

  • My mother is now in hospice with end-stage cancer, so I am at her house a lot these days helping where I can until she passes. Thank you in advance for understanding if I am not as quick to respond as I normally would be. This is a precious and bittersweet time …
  • This content is for informational purposes only. This information does not constitute medical advice or diagnosis. I'm not a medical professional, so please take this as friendly peer support. 

Helpful resources:

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Thanks you guys...I feel so much better and I am so glad you have worked through it and love your wisdom! II just needed this kind positive input from those who have gone before!  You are right it does slow you down and I love that. It also makes you more honest and that creates intimacy too.

I have always massaged people (not for a job but learned and use it to help those I care about).  At the moment I get to see three of my guy friends naked several times a week - am on a shoulder fixing crusade lol. They are getting better and I get to touch men naked without worrying about H hehe!

I also dance (Ceroc..modern swing) and get to be hot and sexy several times a week with many men - and just leave it on the dance floor.  There are so many ways to express intimacy and sexuality - somehow we have been conditioned to think the only way is a 'shag' (pardon the kiwi expression!).  I have to say that dancing like that has been my saving grace - think more people should try it!

So thanks again..I'll keep you posted on how it all goes ;-)

And the blindfold thing...
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Gosh tonight's the night...I am feeling very healthy and no sign of symptoms or any pre-symptoms, so that's good.  He's sooooo looking forward to seeing me...I am soooo looking forward to seeing him.  But god I feel nervous....will having sex set off an outbreak? Is it going to feel different? Actually I feel the same as the first time I ever did it and then it was...will I get pregnant? Will I know how to do it? Same feelings, just different triggers! Okay, I'm off to get ready...!

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Ah the pre-date nerves are always fascinating to notice. Sounds exciting! Funniest part: "Will I know how to do it?" I laughed out loud. Once you learn how to ride a bike ... ;) Work it, girl!

Notes:

  • My mother is now in hospice with end-stage cancer, so I am at her house a lot these days helping where I can until she passes. Thank you in advance for understanding if I am not as quick to respond as I normally would be. This is a precious and bittersweet time …
  • This content is for informational purposes only. This information does not constitute medical advice or diagnosis. I'm not a medical professional, so please take this as friendly peer support. 

Helpful resources:

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hahah I laughed out loud too just thinking about it.  Well I worked it  ;-) and it was lovely.  No fireworks for me (though he was VERY happy! ) but the earth shook a little bit lol.  He was tender and totally accepting...and that was worth more than anything to me. I realise I am just getting back on the bike - a different bike, bit wobbly to start with - have to learn how to use the new gears and brakes but I'll be flying along soon :-)!

Thanks for your support H Opp and love your sense of humour...life is so much easier when we can laugh at ourselves aye? x  

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Well....He's told me I was amazing last night and asked me if he was good... aawhh...I thought that was so nice.  He was worried about the same thing and was more concerned about performing himself and making me happy that he didn't even think of herpes. I had to be creative seeing I didn't want to overdo it...and that's a good thing!  OMG I can't believe I am writing this stuff...but I also think we all need to be more real and this is life, this is how it is for me and hopefully it might help someone else with herpes...to be more real, brave about saying who they are and their truth and know that we can create our experience when something happens to us.  And that here you can say what you think.  And right now I am being pathetically ultra observant about any outbreak starting...so I have made Plum sauce, Plum jam and now onto a dessert - plum pudding...the things you do for distraction!!!!

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Lelani!!!!! Bow Chica Wow Wow! You go girl. I'm loving this message thread. And I could not POSSIBLY agree more about how important it is to talk about this topic because it IS the reality, and the context of which we are dealing with most of our issues facing H. 

Here's me doing a sexy time dance for you!
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