still hoping this is a dream but know it's not

[StillMe]

Wwwhhhoooooo! Just found out I officially have hsv2. I have been tested multiple times in the past specifically for h because for whatever reason ( sore after working out, cut after jagged nail, yeast infection after yeast infection for a while...etc) I thought I had it and the cultures and tests always came back negative. I am one that was always at the Dr office. I would make up reasons to go just to get checked out even if I hadn't had any kind of sexual activities in months. I just wanted friend to be OK and clean. I have had my share of partners even tho I am still on my hands n don't need feet to count them I know that is still plenty of room to have gotten infected. I am having a hard time and I don't feel as though I should be. Now I can't look at a crowd of people and not think of the odds of someone else sharing this. I have told my mother and brother and a Counselor because I couldn't stop crying at work. I felt so weak for not being able to handle my emotions and felt like a big crybaby. Even tho I am but still. Lol. I am currently working on the self hatred for not telling my last partner. I go back and forth with should I or shouldn't I? Should I do it anonymously? But I still fear he will know it was me. The reason for the dread is that we work together. We were involved little while and literally days before I had an ob we were together. We never used protection...yes I take the stupid award I know. Before him it has been over a year and I had been to get checked up several times and he said he just did as well. My issue in telling him is idk if I have just always had false negative results or if it is from him. I don't believe it's really new because I already have antibodies. He admitted to sleeping with someone else a few months ago but insists he used protection because he knew we didn't n he value his health more than that. Since its not far back enough to have been from her I don't worry about that. I know in hindsight it really doesn't matter who u got it from because u have it now but I feel like I'm between a rock n a hard place with telling him. I can't afford to just quit my job in a chance he told people n I'd forever get nasty looks. He said he has been tested since she slept with the other lady before we slept together again but I know they don't usually test for h unless systoms r present. I want him to b clean n protected for his next partner but I am a coward n literally get sick to my stomach ready to vomit at the thought of the fallback of me telling him. Seems like I have been doing nothing but reading up on this since I found out even tho I was pretty familiar with it from the past. Idk what would be worse...him being negative and therfore I'm the horrible one or him being positive and not knowing if I gave it to him or not. As stupid as it is I would b much better if he did have it and he was the one to give it to me than vise versa. All the reading I have been doing I feel even worse that I am the cause if the social stigma. I'm so embarrassed that I can't tell anyone but the three people I have. All the logic in the world isn't keeping me from feeling like.a dirty less than person. It doesn't help that I know u can get it from one act of protected sexual activity. It doesn't help that 1 in 6 have it. It doesn't help that u can't tell it just by looking at me. None of it helps. Am I an angel--by far but I personally know people waaayyy worse n nothing wrong with them except a few kids by different people. I think about the people I know and like they don't have it. Honestly I know I can't say that but the emotional part of me does. I hate that I'm one of "those" people that makes people like us feel dirty because I don't say anything so someone near me could be suffering and feel just as alone but don't know how close a similar situation person is. I have mentioned std to people at work n even on fb in general how people just want to be loved and treated the same but can't let them know it's me that I'm talking about. I look at ones on YouTube proudly speaking on it and can't imagine I'd ever be that confident. Logically I know I am still me with a little extra now but emotionally I feel like a different person. Before my diagnosis I accepted I would be single probably for the rest of my life for religious reasons due to my pervious mistakes but after I felt like it was taken from me. Stupid I know because I had already made that choice but now it feels so much more different and final. I just don't know anymore. It's crazy that something so minor although I don't think it should be downplayed, can alter your life. I know I have no choice but to move on even tho I did seriously consider suicide but I just still don't know. It's not the end of the world. A book I read where the lady had h the guy told her the sun doesn't rise n set on ur vagnia. I loved that part. I know that part. I know I am more than what's down there. But none of that helps. Sorry for the rant but I just don't know. All I keep asking is if logically I know all this then what will it take for me to emotionally know and accept it????

[WCSDancer2010]

I'm in a rush.... have to admit I have not read your whole post... first we need to know: HOW do you know you have it? What were your symptoms, and how were you tested...blood or swab.... and if blood, what were the values?

 

Many come on here with false positives so I'd rather cut to the chase and get that info, then go from there :)

[StillMe]

Positive swab and 4.5 blood test. Had a red spot on the top of the clitoris when I went it n they tested it because I had had them before even though they could always been explained as to why they r there n even tested negative.

[2Legit2Quit]

Did you have those symptoms before you slept w him?

[StillMe]

Honestly idk. Like I said anytime I "could have been having an ob" could have been something else so I can't say 100% few examples: wore too tight underwear and then got cut like lines on the panty line area that was too tight. For almost a year I had bv time after time but wasn't having sex. Sore on clit after oral was too ruff to name a few. So it's possible it could have been as mush as almost 15 years ago and as recent as a few mths ago

[2Legit2Quit]

I'll let @wcsdancer2010 state whether you should disclose to him, but I don't know when you had sex w him, to tell if you possibly got it from him. I think it is quite the tough situation to be in, since you work w him. I learned my lesson the hard way w my ex, to never shit where I sleep. I left that job, because of him.

 

W that said, all the things you are feeling right now, I felt as well before. I won't lie that it takes time to stop thinking that way, but time does heal your emotional wounds from the stigma. I too used to look in the crowd and wonder and even felt like someone could tell I had it, although I knew deep down that wasn't the case. I had a hard time w talking to just anyone and not having the urge to just blab I have it the first 5/6 months w it. I was someone who had a severe reaction to H, such as neuropathy and constant paresthesia, along w constant obs even on meds and I eventually got to the place I am w it now. ..

 

Questions you have to ask and answr yourself.

 

- how is herpes runing my life, that deserves such a strong emotional reaction, to have to it?

- what is it actually changing in my life?

- how much does it actually impact or chnage my life or make things more difficult, in comparison to living your life daily?

 

You gotta realize how much it's a small portion of your life. Sex is such a small portion of our life. Yes, you're going to have to disclose before sex, but how often do we ever get to that point in our lives w someone? It's so minute the amount of times it will actually impact your life over the course of a life time, that you will soon realize how much you blew it out of proportion for what it really is, as I did the same thing. Now I look back and I feel silly over my reaction.

 

Just be kind and patient w yourself. You will stop feeling this way.

[StillMe]

Thank u 2legit2quit. Slept with him this last past year about 40 times or so. Last times earlier this month right before I was diagnosed. He is the first n last person I would ever mess with from work. I see him too much for my liking. Funny because before this I loved running into him. We are no longer sexual but has nothing to do with this seeing as I haven't told him. We were on the down end of our sexship anyway. I'm sorry u have had such a hard tell with obs but happy it's getting better. As I stated if all these years I was having obs they were never horrible so that's good news right?? I have always thought sex was such a small part anyway so it's no difference now. The answer to all those is not much honestly. Just the fact that I know I have it. Bills still come n go the same. If I want to go out n do something I still will. If I want to just b a bed bum I still will. Still go to work because that is still needed. Just the fact that I know I have it and will forever messes with me. Only been two weeks but I pray u r right n I will stop feeling this way very soon because it is more problems than the h is honestly.

[2Legit2Quit]

Well hun, there's very good chance he passed it to you. It's not like you had a score of 15 or something . you could say that you've been having some funny symptoms and you'd like him to go get checked and see what he says. I think it's a very real possibility that he could of passed it to you. May I ask your age? I just tend to notice those who get it by mid 20s and below z tens to have a lot less symptoms, than those of us who get it after 30? Just an observation.

 

Like I said, it's normal for you to feel the way you do right now, as I did as well; it's just sad that we feel this way after getting it, because it's so unnecessary. I didn't get like that after I got oral herpes from my ex husband. I was pissed onky because my entire inside of my mouth had ulcers, including my tongue and it hurt so bad and I felt drained and exhausted, but don't get cold sores on the outside of my lips to this day ever. When i got HSV 2 a yr n half ago I was so upset, buy I think whatade me the most upset, was the severe nerve pain and having a ar that it was always going to be like this. Even after only a yr n half, I often forget my strong emotions I had during that time and have had to go back to my surrogate mother and ask her xyz, so I can come back and relate w someone on the forum. So yes, you will even forget how bad you reacted and felt at some point. Just be kind to yourself. Nothing has changed about you.

 

We are living beings and a part of being that, is we will acquire several viruses through out our lifetime. Shit, did you know like 2% of our DNA is completely viral w no human genome? A part of our creation to evole into life, is all due to viruses.

 

Did you know dogs, cats, monkey, dolpdolphins and even oyster's have their version of genital herpes? It's just aaprt of being a living being. If you've ever had chicken pox, that is human Herpes virus 3. I'm willing to bet money, you have EBV & CMV too, which is HH 4&5. We all will acquire about 3-5 of the 8 human herpes viruses by the time we're adults and never even realize it.

[StillMe]

I love how positive u r 2legit2quit. I know this too shall pass...the feelings anyway but know I have to work on it. Next month I'll be the big 3-0 so it could have been in my teens if all tests were false negative. I was surprised find I tested negative for hsv1 because of how common it is. I have been looking at information about the numbers and what they mean to try n Guage if i had it for a long time n the shedding aspect of it n all. Some sites say it means nothing one said if under 5 get retested even if positive swab. That's very interesting about the animals. Never would have known that. I have to look up the other hsv types because I only know of the common ones cpox shingles n hsv1 n 2. Trying to gain knowledge so I can maybe help the feelings along and one say be like u needing a reference point of how far I have come

[2Legit2Quit]

Hahahah thanks! Nobody in my life would tell you I'm a positive person, I suffer from severe depression, so I just try to be a realist about it. :-). I'm a very neurotic individual, so when someone says they've been obsessed and researching, multiply what they've done, by 100 and that's how I am. I spent months for hrs researching herpes, down to the virology level, which is how I learned about the other viruses and what the impact they have on our health. EBV for example is linked to autoimmune disease's, even MS for example and some pretty narky cancers. I stopped viewing herpes as what society views it as and started looking at just the science behind it, as I like to understand everything from the inside out and I'm sure that helped me a lot.

 

I even posted a couple months ago about oysters having herpes and how it cost the food industry millions or billions and added the link. Think the title was something about oysters even get herpes. I posted it to try and show others, to keep this virus in perspective and be a realist about it and push the stigma out of my mind. You'll get there, don't worry.

[StillMe]

Well I hope that ur depression gets better as well n not made too much worse by this. I have not looked into that much but awesome for ones like u who have to help ones like me. I wish I could view it in the science realm. People in general for that matter because it would cut the stigma. I'm a realist too that's y I know I'm putting more on myself emotionally than maybe I should. That's the human in me. Lol. I know it will take more than 2 weeks to get past it but hopefully not much longer. I'm not a fan of these feelings. Have to look into the oysters. Would b nice to know if they can transmit.

[2Legit2Quit]

@stillme

 

Here's an article

http://m.nydailynews.com/life-style/oyster-herpes-killing-scores-bivalves-article-1.2047695

 

It's only been two weeks. Be patient. I didn't get to where I am w it until a yr n half. Disclosure the second time was much smoother than the first, but I'm still embarrassed when I first disclose. As I talk on the science of it more, I don't feel as embarrassed by it. So I still let the stigma impact me some, I just don't allow it to contribute to my depression anymore and feel like my life is over from it. Disclosure us never fun, but that's the only time I let it bother me and that's gotten better for me after only two disclosures.

[StillMe]

Well......I put on my big girls pants and told my last partner n I only cried a little. So far he took it OK. Going to make an appointment naturally because I explained that even if u say test for everything they still usually don't test for h. Was actually texting the number to get an appointment while I was talking. Told him some quick facts:1 n 6 have it and most don't know it as they can b asymptomatic. less transmission % from women to men even with no protection. can still pass even with 100% condom use with first partner and can even get it from birth. Was honest n said it's not the end of the world even tho that's how I feel at the moment. He said I shouldn't let society decide how I feel about myself n it doesn't make me a horrible person. Explain briefly I know the logic but right now I'm working on the emotional aspect. Begged him not to tell anyone because that would just kill me. He said we will talk later but I know we won't because we have nothing to talk about now. I can live with it but even tho he has been around wwwaaayyyy more than me so odds may b higher since everything increase with each partner still I pray he doesn't have it. Could have done it better but honestly I was just happy I didn't vomit because I was sick to my stomach. There is no way I can ever do this again

[2Legit2Quit]

Good job girl! You did an impeccable job! I need you to step back though right now and recognize that, if he does come up positive, there's a good chance it came from him, because he clearly never mentioned symptoms. Be prepared for him to possibly play the blame game if he does come up positive, but unlikely based in his reaction. There's also a good chance he knew and/or suspected and is why he was so calm and collected w his response.. In fact, his response to not feeding into the stigma, even makes me a tiny suspicious... Just a tiny. He may very well just be this amazing stand up guy..... So who knows. It doesn't behoove him to tell anyone, because 1. Whybis a grown adult discussing such a private matter in a wokr environment and 2. Well, then they'd knkw you both skeot together, if they didn't know already. 3. They know you have it, he slept w you, so many ignorant people, will automatically assume he has it too then, which he won't want. Do you not to stress it.

[StillMe]

Thanks 2legit2quit! I think he is a decent guy even tho he did a 180 in the year I've known him. I even asked him if he has ever had what looks like an ingrown hair because he shaved below trying to get him to see how it can mimic small things we don't pay attention to n he said no. I brought up the stigma part which led to his response. I have read stories of one's placing blame when they already knew because there is no way to prove it n I REALLY hope that's not the case. Even tho he changed (or shown who he really was) I still have a hope in him he is actually an OK guy. They did assume but hope the other factors do keep him quiet because it honestly is not their business even tho some like to shame others. I am working on not letting this whole thing stress me out n I know it will get better with time. Stress is an ob best friend and I want her as lonely as possible.

[2Legit2Quit]

If he's a good guy like you suspect, then there's nothing to worry about.

 

Girl, you can ask a guy that all day long and they literally will talk themselves out of believing they've never had symptoms. Dancer will tell you as well, as I'm going to tell you. Men seem to have the hardest time w accepting they have H. They also have the hardest time w acknowledging it and will do everything to convince themselves otherwise. Trust me... You have no idea... So w that said, here's a funny clip about herpes and how Dane Cook describes how men are when they get herpes, is pretty spot on. So hopefully it helps you get the point, while learning to laugh as what we have.. Btw.. I feel Dane Cook has it, just based in the things he said and even before I got H.. Back when he dated Jessica Simpson, I heard around then he had it too.

.

Watch "Dane Cook Herpes.m4v" on YouTube

https://youtu.be/8pVB0PfzdrY

[StillMe]

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!! Not frostbite!!! That was sadly funny. I can see how guys could have a harder time since they are usually not as able to handle things like this as women. Not male bashing or anything. Can't remember if it was on here or another site but a guy gave this lady h n he acted like she was the worst person in the world for giving it to him...til she met one of his ex gfs from about 10 yes ago n the ex asked if he gave it to her too without even knowing her. Told her what happened and the ex said he reached the exact same way all those years ago. It's sad that they use the fact anyone may use the fact u may never know who gave it to u in most cases as a way to get out of they responsibility of owning up to it. But frostbite?? HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

[StillMe]

I wonder how many people will feel better if the stars start coming out with having h. How much of a real spotlight will b put on how common it is n how far will it go toward debunking the myths n stigma

[2Legit2Quit]

Lol... Trust me.. My giver denied it too, but I know he knows, just because if the way things played out. He told me to never contact him again. There was a red flag when we discussed our sexual health before booking up w something he said and I blew it off, like an idiot, but oh well. No it's true, men really cannot handle it well at all. It's amazing.

 

Sweet jeetwr has it and he's had many celebrity gfs, while knowing he's had it. Just Google it.

[StillMe]

I can't stand that. I will agree that for the moment it is embarrassing and idk if I will never feel this way but come on now. Don't be a prick! If my ex partner does have it I mtl will never know. He probably won't talk to me again but maybe a hi so it won't seem odd at work. I was stupid too because we only talked about our status after we were done but I never saw papers like I should have. But to be honest the last time u was tested specifically for h was 2010. Only have his word he was clear but then he only had mine too. We just happen to be of the stronger breed....and the one that catches it more easily! Hahahahahaha

[WCSDancer2010]

Well hun, there's very good chance he passed it to you. It's not like you had a score of 15 or something . you could say that you've been having some funny symptoms and you'd like him to go get checked and see what he says. I think it's a very real possibility that he could of passed it to you. May I ask your age? I just tend to notice those who get it by mid 20s and below z tens to have a lot less symptoms, than those of us who get it after 30? Just an observation.

 

I have to correct this. The number doesn't indicate at all how long you have had Herpes... with a 4.5 you could have had it a long time, or 6 months. From what you are saying @StillMe, I'd say you could have had it awhile... and odds are you will never know. Even if he comes up H+, it doesn't mean he gave it to you....it could well be the other way around.

 

And I got H at 17, and went through a number of years of really bad "outbreaks" (didn't get the blisters so much as I just would swell up terribly after sex, and constantly had the yeast/BV type symptoms but never had positive swabs for them and the meds didn't work, so I assume it was the H at work. The bottom line is likely a combination of immune system function, stress (a BIG contributor), diet, hormones (another BIG contributor for women especially), and maybe even genetics.

 

@StillMe

 

Glad you talked to him. How he reacts now is out of your control. I'd say the reason he was so calm is he may well have someone he knows who has it... or maybe his life philosophy is that he doesn't judge. Or he's more educated than most about STD's or at least the facts of life .... that bad shit can happen to good people. That if you are sexually active you will always be at risk of getting *something*. So don't try to judge him by his reaction.... just take it as it comes.

 

Be patient with yourself through this. You are recently diagnosed. So of course you have a pretty negative belief system going on right now about what the future may hold when it comes to relationships. I suggest you read all the Success Stories that you can. It may help you to see that H can actually help you find BETTER partners ... it tends to make us slow the getting-to-know-you process so you get to see who the person really IS before you disclose. And the ones that stay post-disclosure do so because they love you UNCONDITIONALLY. And that is pretty cool...... ;)

 

(((HUGS))) and Merry Christmas/Happy Holidays!

[2Legit2Quit]

Not sure @wcadancer2010 if you read the whole thread, but I said that for her to Understand not to beat herself up and that it could very likely be possible he did give it to her, which is true. It's a 50/50 chance at this point based on her timelines of thing's. I never said it tells time.

[StillMe]

I am sure working on it wcadancer2010. I know I will get there. 2 weeks DOES go by pretty quick so not much time. I have always been a hopeless romantic so I love the happy endings. I know I can't control his reaction and will just have to deal with it as it comes if anything. I may guess it will b nothing as he try to forget. I really hope he is negative. I know I could have given it to him or vise versa n since we will never know I sincerely hope he's negative since I can deal with that much easier. From the stories I've read it does help build better relationships in general because it help weed out the ones with a plan. I have no control of the future so I just will have to see. Relationship or not I know I will be OK. I really appreciate u guys and this site as well because it reinforce I will get through it! :) :) :)