Jealous even though I know i shouldn't be

[j_avalon]

I've had herpes for about 3 and a half years now. My best friend has been my rock though all of this and has let me cry on her shoulder countless times. We have been partners to the core in every sense of the word minus sex obviously. But now she has a new boyfriend and talks about how great the sex is and they spend all their time together and I cant hep but feel very jealous and angry. Its not fair. I know i should be happy for her and the more noble side of me is but i havent felt the touch of a man or had any attention or affection in 3 years and its like having what i cant have rubbed in my face and i feel more lonely than ever now. Seeing her in a happy relationship is just bringing up all these feeling of loss and grief over losing my sexuality and reminding me how lonely I really am now hat I feel like I've lost my partner.

 

I just want to be able to see my friends in relationship and hear songs or people talk about sex without getting this painful sensation off loss and feeling like that part of life isnt for me to experience anymore. I try not to think about sex and tell myself i dont need it to be happy but i feel like a part of my soul has died. i want to be sexual too and the more time that goes by the more i desperatly crave affection and seeing other people get to enjoy what i cant just hurts.

I tried herpes dating sites and it was a total flop. - so tried that if you were going to suggest it.

[2Legit2Quit]

May I ask a forward question? Say you didn't have H right now and was still single, do you think you'd be feeling the same way? Im not so sure this is actually Herpes; do you think maybe it is easier to identify H has being the culprit, rather than its just that you kinda feel like you're losing your friend and being sad that you're single still?

Ive never met anyone who has not found love since having H, except for myself. I haven't found love, because I don't want to date and wwasn't before H either. I can assure you, when I date again, H will not stop me and I'm someone who can't control the virus on daily meds. It's a sure thing my partner will get it. H doesn't stop a love life, only if you want it to, it does. Hun, it sounds like it's you making the choice not to date. Onky you can stop letting it hold you back. I'm sorry you feel this way.

[j_avalon]

@2Legit2Quit I feel like if I didn't have herpes I wouldn't be single, or could at least enjoy dating like a normal person. I feel a profound sense of loss - a loss of my sexuality - and i think hearing about my friends great sex life is magnifying that sense of loss. Even if I haven't found the right person, at least if I didn't have this I could still enjoy male company even if just casually. And I see how easy it was for her and others to enter into new relationships when it is so stressful for me and I wish that I could enjoy dating like she does and not have this huge weight on my shoulders. So I feel jealous that its so fun and easy for everyone else while I have to suit up for battle and face the reality of a love life that is more like a mine field now.

[2Legit2Quit]

Hmm... I can Understand that, but that feeling went away for me in like 6 months, so I can't relate much, on someone feeling like that after 3yrs. I'm going to go out on a limb here and guess you're pretty young, so you feel like you may be missing out on the hookup life style? I can assure you, that doesn't stop you. We have a gentleman on here in his 20s, that quite frankly, gets laid more than anyone else I've met before and he has H and yes, he discloses to these random hookups. He's only been rejected a couple times. @hippyherpy , care to share how H hasn't stopped you from contuing your casual sex lifestyle?

 

I understand it is how you FEEL, but feelings and fears often are not realistic and are a figment of our imagination. We have a tendency to really over build things up in our heads. I knew 7 people before I got H, who had H and it hasn't limited them one bit. 5 are married now, 5 w kids and one has never had a rejection in the 9yts w it and is single now.

 

You can enjoy dating, as soon as you choose to stop obsessing about disclosure. We often figure out by week 3, this isn't someone you wanna be w and stressed over disclosure for no reason. You have to worry about that moment, when it is in front of you first. I have been rejected twice for my autoimmune disease's, which aren't contagious.. I didn't even get to H. Would having hypothyroidism stop you from dating? Well, I've been rejected for it, because of the potential for it to make me fat. Which is worse? Being rejected for something I can't transmit or one that I could? I don't let it bother me, because it says so little about their characters, to reject me over that.

 

Herpes doesn't stop you from flirting, dating, making out and even fooling around, w no genital contact of course. These are all things you can do w out disclosing. Nobody is going to know you have genital herpes, because you made out w them at a bar, nor do you need to tell them. That is why I'm trying to show you, that you're only cheating yourself... Cuddling doesn't require disclosure either.

 

You have to suit up for battle to date period. W or w out H. You have been rejected before H and it'll happen after H and not because of H too at times. You are making the assumption that you would even get rejected. We recently just had a women COME on here and say in the 8yrs she's had H and dated, each guy she meant and ended up in a relationship w, had H too! You're way over thinking things and w that said, my second disclosure couldn't believe the deal I made about it. After we spoke, he tagged me in a video saying this was me, in regards to the build up of my disclosing.

 

So pretty much, this is you, just like it was me.

 

Watch "What Over Thinking Looks Like - Vine" on YouTube

[airmom]

I have same feelings of jealousy.... my friend knows about me. She recently met someone and he told her he has it. Well because of knowing my situation she wasn't freaked out. She asked a lot of questions. Now I have to sit there and listen to how great their sex life is. So mot only do I have sense if jealousy because of her moving away from our relationship to a life with him, but I am also feeling jealous that he found someone who wants him regardless of hsv. I have never told anyone that I had these feelings because I also feel that it is very selfish of me and I am ashamed to feel this way.

[j_avalon]

@airmom i also feel ashamed to feel this way. i feel very petty and i try to tap into the higher part of myself that is happy for her but these feelings of envy and loss and unfairness always rear up and i guess im at the point where im trying to work through them by acknowledging they are there and letting them go, but i find it hard not to judge myself for being so petty so that is something i am trying to work on - is letting the feelings be without attaching to them and not judging myself - but it is definatly an uphill work in progress

[2Legit2Quit]

Acknowledging it and owning it, is the first and most important step. Most will never admit it or come to this conclusion, which means they'll never work through it

 

I remember briefly when I was like 25, of feeling angry every time I saw a minivan! Lmao . it represented to me, that they were wanted and had a family, and nobody wanted me (I dint even have a biological family in my life so I can assure you, the family thing srung even more). Like I literally loathed the person in the minivan next to me for nor reason, other than her stupid ass stickers of number of kids, hubby and dog. I felt I was never worthy enough of that... Now I'm 34 and I have zero fucks to give! Lmao... I'm not religious and pretty much don't believe in God anymore, mainly for scientific reasons, but w that said, I just feel in my gut that if someone is out there met for me, it'll happen.

 

I think it took me traveling out of state for work weekly for 3yrs, learning to feel comfortable to eat alone in restaurants, site see alone, etc... It forced to to literally learn how to enjoy, appreciate and value time to myself and knkw, I can feel just as content doing all those things alone, as the couple in the booth next to me. It felt like it let me free myself, of an internal prison of expectations, burdens, excuses and pain ONLY I was holding myself to . Once you learn to value being alone, these feelings will dissipate. Sure, do I once in a blue moon have a fleeting moment of feeling like I'm the only one who misses out on it? Sure, but when I say fleeting..... It's gone in mins.

 

If you can, I highly recommend starting off doing things like traveling alone, eating alone in public, etc and learn to enjoy it. I think you'd both be surprised how much healing it would do.

[j_avalon]

@2Legit2Quit thanks. i think i am having a hard time finding contentment in myself and i know that is something i need to work on because if you arent happy with yourself no external circumstance can make you happy. im just trying to figure out the steps i need to take to be happy with myself and not constantly judge myself and i think enjoying my own company and 'dating myself' is a good start

[2Legit2Quit]

Just start off by going to a pub w a book or magazines. I needed that At first to feel comfortable.. Even bring your laptop to do some work. You'll end up chatting w someone at the bar, believe me. Ive met random strangers on my travels and ended up getting drunk and having a blast w them just from meeting them sitting alone. I even met these two girls from the UK and bar hopped w them in NYC, drinking till 4am. I've never seen or spoken to them again, but it was an amazing time! That's the first step. Then maybe drive to some places for site seeing or movie's alone. I'm not going to lie, it's going to feel uncomfortable at first, but I swear to god, that was one of the best things to happen to me. Before that, I couldn't be alone.. Not relationship wise, I literally didn't even like just sitting in my house alone. I was a social butterfly and wanted to be around people. After those yrs on the road from my last job, I became more of a homebody.I started looking forward to coming home, renting movies and eating pizza by myself. Had I never traveled like that and learned to enjoy being alone, I think I'd still be needy and clingy w my friend's. I just wasn't comfortable sitting in my own skin and being forced to deal w my thoughts, you got this! Pick up some hobbies on your own too, where you meet new people outside if your circle. Dragon boat racing is always a good one for that . always a blast! You got this! You're in the right path!

[2Legit2Quit]

Also, you were amazing before H and amazing w H. Get that through to yourself, first and foremost. Nothing H can do to change your, other than adding disclosure... Like I said. My depression and autoimmune diseases are a bigger deal to disclose. Even my friendwho also has H, thinks depression is the last I should disclose. I ssasked if she thought the stigma of depression was wirse than herpes and she said yes. We all have something that we don't wanna out on blast. I'd take the herps over my issue's any day, but I got that too! As soon as you start living your life, you'll stop needing someone else to be there to live it.