Still trying to figure things out

[whitedaisies]

Well I am posting for me....I just need to write and hopefully it helps...hopefully someone will read it and respond and something will click for me.

 

I have posted before many times. Still stuck.

 

I have hsv1 determined by blood....can't get a positive swab orally or genitslly but I know what it is. Anyway think it's triggered fibromayalgia which I am trying to get diagnosed this Monday at rhumatologist. They have ruled everyrhing autoimmune out. I will ask them to look into behcets again bc of my numerous negative swabs.

 

Anyway so I am taking famvir and am slowly having thinning hair. Scared to stop Antivirals though bc I have a partner now that I see infrequently. His status is unknown. Petrified of doctors and I have known him for years so I know he doesn't have hepatitis of hiv which I am petrified about. I am scared to stop antivirals bc I believe I have hsv1 in multiple places.

 

Also still afraid to have sex which sucks. I was really enjoying my sexuality before this...getting my sexual bucket list things crossed off and all I can think about is what if I gave this to someone and then also since my body handled this so poorly....what happens when I go off antivirals?

 

I miss my old sex life of feeling carefree. I don't know when I am going to stop mourning that.

 

Wished I got hsv episodically infrequently. I just feel little hope that anythig will change.

 

I dunno. Pathetic post but I just feel every turn is shitty.

[Sil88]

Really sorry this hasn't cleared itself up in time.. but since you're not getting clear answers, you're making a lot of assumptions.. ones which aren't easy to deal with. Work with the facts you have - hsv1+ like most of the population (are there more?). Any rashes that aren't around your lips or privates are probably some kind of allergic reaction, even a good chance of it being triggered by the virus without actually being contagious at all. Point is, it's all speculation and will likely drive you crazy with anxiety (of which fibromyalgia may just be a symptom, for all doctors know) If it takes 20 years of tests and living in a bubble to finally be given a full explanation of everything you feel, will you feel happy and justified? To me, it sounds more like something you'd regret when your time's almost up (sorry to bring us this low!). Helping to complete your sexual bucket list sounds like a pretty good trade-off for possible worst-case hsv1 anyway.

[whitedaisies]

Thanks @sil88 Reading ur post helped. I am trying. Some days better than others.

 

I guess what everyone worries about is a sexual partner that accepts them and I have that.

[WCSDancer2010]

*Sigh*

 

I wish I could get inside your head and turn off that voice that you keep having that is keeping you from just accepting that you CAN be loved with HSV1 - WHEREVER you have it....

 

That, as @Sil88 said, the VAST MAJORITY of the population already has HSV1 anyway, so 80% of the population is fair game anyhow.....

 

That, you have swabbed yourself soooo many times and NONE of them turned up to be H+ which is pretty clear evidence that you are NOT a walking, talking, oozing, virus shedding machine and that any sexual partner is likely SAFER with you than the vast majority of people who have Herpes.

 

Odds are VERY high that you have HSV1 BEFORE the incident where you believe you got it. 60% of the population has it before they are adults and 80% have it soon afterwards. Whether it flared up after you were with that guy, or whether you got it from him doesn't matter really ... you are now with 80%+ of the population..... so why do you insist on continuing to believe that your sex life is over?

 

Read @HerryHerpes posts.... he's having casual sex all over the place and being very successful with it. Read the Success Stories AGAIN.... why shouldn't you find love when all those people have not only found love, but usually found DEEPER love than they ever experienced.

 

You stayed with a man (your ex-hubby) for many years before all this happened because you didn't know how to leave. I'm beginning to think you feel this is a "punishment" for leaving ... for splitting the family up... that you don't "deserve" to be loved, and there is NOTHING further from the truth! Something, somewhere in your past is coming up that has taught you that you are not deserving of love. When you get to the bottom of THAT, the whole issue of Herpes won't be 1/10th the issue it is now .... and I'm willing to bet that most of the symptoms you are having will subside or at least slow down too.

 

(((HUGS))) friend. I wish I could help you more, but this really is more about you having to learn to love yourself and realize that you are WORTHY of love than anything else.