Moving past judgement of self and others...

[ang]

Just a quick vent. I've had herpes for about 4 years and up until recently is when I feel like I've started to really confront the issue head on and move towards the acceptance stage. In the past I thought I had gotten over it but everytime I brought it up to a potential pArtners(which I've done 4 times) I swear I feel like I've had a mini anxiety attack and burst into tears which led me to believe that it was time to love myself x10 and concentrate more on the healing process. Up until 2 recent rejections I didn't realize how big of a toll this had taken on me psychologically and how much it had affected my self esteem. I mean I know I'm a beautiful girl, educated and most would say I have my shit together however I've always dealt with insecurities and somehow herpes kinda magnified them for me. I've never been the promiscuous type (got it from my second partner) so when I was diagnosed it almost felt like I lost my identity in the midst of all the stigma and public opinion. Yes I know I'm not my diagnosis and this could happen to anyone but I still don't wanna be known as the herpes girl. I also feel a sense of insecurity because many men always ask me how a girl like me is single and H is usually the big reason in the back of my head which I know could be a small factor but definitely not the major reaso . I'm hoping as I move towards more self love I can grow to care less of what others think of me and just accept me as I am. Also as weird as it sounds I feel like in my community there's a lot more shame and stigma surrounding the condition. I live in nyc and I know 1/4 women have it but amongst the Hispanic/black community it's rarely talked about.

 

Also growing up in nyc I was surrounded by people with cold sores my whole life which sometimes even leads me to believe am Im being dramatic about having genital herpes. Is herpes just a normal part of having sex as cold sores come with kissing etc ... And I'm just naive to the fact lol idk I mean most people don't disclose cold sores although some people feel as though they should. Ugh stigma sucks lol

[mr_hopp]

Yeah, stigma does suck. :) And you're doing something about it by doing your own inner work. That is the way to become stigma bulletproof! It's soooo important to realize what you're realizing. That the biggest toll of herpes is psychological. It's based on our perspective. And people can tell us how beautiful, how smart, how wonderful we are, but we will only accept what we believe we deserve. So if we have a low self-concept, we won't actually see ourselves as others may see us. And that's the kicker. It's all about how we see ourselves that make us feel how we feel. It's in our heads. And herpes does this pretty magical thing (which feels less magical and more shitty when we're going through it) ... it amplifies all those thoughts and feelings we've always had about ourselves. Herpes can be that straw that broke the camel's back for some. And that's a good thing. Because if you're anything like me, I suffered for years thinking I just wasn't good enough. Then herpes came around and broke me. But that had me start questioning a lot of my assumptions I had about myself. It had me start to grow bigger than the shit I had believed. So it sounds like you're on that path!

 

Read this about "The Judgment Boomerang" ... I think it speaks to what you're talking about so beautifully in seeing the mirror between judging self and others simultaneously:

https://herpeslife.com/judgment-boomerang/

 

And have you seen this video, by the way? When I called out my friend's fiancee, it was one of those turning points for me in owning that I'm okay.

 

[optimist]

@ang - You mentioned 1/4 of women having this. You also mentioned it not being talked about in hispanic and black communities. You may want to look up statistics for those communities specifically. You may or may not find it reassuring to know, for instance, that the rate of HSV-2 alone is particularly high in the black community, among both men and women. The percentage increases with age because it isn't curable, but even at a young age it is significant. Greater than 60% among 25-29 year old single black women, increasing even more with age. But as with other populations, only roughly 10% of people with genital herpes are aware of their positive status. Whether or not it is talked about doesn't change the reality but I understand it affects the stigma which is very unfortunate. References: http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3020161/ and http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3020161/figure/F1/

 

Normally I would not comment on differences based on race but I am responding specifically to your comments about the lack of discussion in the hispanic and black communities. I'm a caucasian woman in a high risk demographic (roughly 50%) due to my age and single status and I find it is rarely discussed among those in my own demographic, so I don't intend to suggest we are miles apart. Just addressing your specific comment.