Please don't follow my mistakes

[Hdawg]

When I joined this site, I thought it would be a place where I could get support and information from folks in the same situation, but I'm feeling more and more that I can't accept it with out sharing what I recently did, and hopefully somebody will read it and pick the better path. I'm not proud of my behavior, and it's eating me alive.

 

I tested positive for both HSV 1 and 2 (1 tested 1.0, 2 tested 6.28), about 2 years ago. I have never had a cold sore on or around my mouth. I have had 5 or 6 ob's, that look like a really light rash just below the belt and always in the same location. I've had a handful of lovers since my diagnosis, the first talk was terrifying but they got easier and the outcomes were encouraging. Condoms were not used in most encounters after testing and a "safe" starting point which surprised the hell out of me and I was starting to think that life could be "normal". I also had a 5+ year relationship with a woman where not a single condom was used but after being diagnosed, I'm pretty damn positive that my first ob around the belt happened 6 months into this relationship. To this day, none of these women have tested positive for HSV 2.

 

So here I go thinking i'm the herpe whisperer and I meet an amazing woman. All the puzzle pieces are there, I'm completely enamored with her and we are sharing an amazing connection. Things got spicy REALLY fast and in the back of my head I'm thinking I need to tell her now, tell her now, what the hell are you doing. I blew it............twice. And it ate me up. I told her about my situation, and on the evening I told her she takes it so well I feel even closer and accepted. Then she slept on it, and she really got upset and by the end of the following day she was livid with the way I handled the situation, and she is 100% right. I was so scared to lose this connection with this woman, and now I probably have because I took her choice away from her. It was totally unacceptable, and now I'm paying the price and even though I am not a religious man a have prayed to all in the sky that this lovely woman doesn't have to deal with this as well. I'm fighting for her, I hope she might accept me as I am, but completely understand if she won't because of what I did.

 

No matter how hard it is, just come clean up front, I know it's been said so many times around here. The worry of giving this affliction to somebody you care about is far worse than the fear that threw your moral compass off in the first place.

[Elise1977]

Thanks for sharing. I know it's hard, but you did the right thing. Even if she can't forgive you, there are other women out there to love, and hopefully you've learned that disclosure upfront is the only way to show your partner love and respect. My fingers are crossed for you.

 

When I was first diagnosed as part of routine STI testing, I was six months into a relationship. I had never had an outbreak, so I was totally shocked. I had all sorts of internal battles regarding telling/not telling - I mean, I'd never had an outbreak, I could feign ignorance if I had a sudden outbreak, or if I passed it to him and he had one. But, I knew that the man I was with was someone that I loved, respected, and wanted to have a long, committed relationship with, and not giving him the choice I wasn't given was not acceptable. I took the risk, told him, and luckily he was also willing to take the risk.

 

Living a lie is such a horrible way to live. Disclosure isn't just something you do out of respect for the person you're disclosing to, being honest is a gift to yourself. If I was walking around with the guilt of knowing and not telling, I'm certain it would chip away at my soul.

[hippyherpy]

The problem is that you had a fear of losing her.

 

This isn't about herpes, it's about you possibly living with a scarcity mindset. You need to get to a place in your life where it's ok if someone says no to having sex with you after disclosure because the truth is that there are many many more women out there and a lot of them will say "yes"

 

Don't live in fear, recognize the bigger picture, and embrace an abundance mindset. Then rejection won't be too much of a big deal to you and you won't have any fear in dos losing that you gave herpes.

[Hdawg]

Thank you for the positivity Elise1977!! It took a lot of friends and even an old therapist who knew me well to reassure me that I am a good guy who did a bad thing. No excuses, but I sure learned the hard way.

 

To HippyHerpy, thank you for your comment. Respectfully, I am not scared at all of somebody saying no to sex, it was about losing this woman entirely. The connection, the fun, the chats, the hikes, the fuzzy feeling in the gut, and yes I agree and completely understand that it was fear driven, I know better, and was beating myself up pretty bad for it.

 

Cheers for the support here, it's very much appreciated