How to move forward after a relationship?

[DD1234]

Hi Everyone! I'm new here. I have HSV2 and contracted it from my ex-boyfriend. I've always been an advocate for safe sex, etc, so for the first few months of our relationship we used condoms religiously. When we got to the point of wanting to have unprotected sex, I once again asked if he had been tested, knowing that I had and was STD free at that point. He told me he had, which I later found out was a lie. He didn't end up getting tested after his previous partner because he didn't have any symptoms, so he didn't find it necessary. Needless to say, after 2-3 weeks of unprotected sex, I had an outbreak and it was confirmed by a doctor to be genital herpes. I was heartbroken. I felt lied to and betrayed. He and I talked about it, I cried a lot about it, and decided to stay together, because I honestly don't believe he meant to give me herpes, I just think he was naive enough to assume that STDS and symptoms went hand in hand. Fast forward 3 years, and we've now broken up. I've not had sex with anyone since, mainly because I'm not really into casual sex anymore in my 30's, along with the fact that I'd prefer not to have "the talk" with every Joe Shmoe out there. I have however met two guys over the last 10 months of being single that I felt a really strong connection with, and have told about my herpes once the sex talk has come up, usually a couple weeks or so into dating. Both guys quickly faded away and disappeared after that. I personally don't know if it was due to the herpes talk or not, but it's challenging not to have that thought in your head when everything else is going so great. It sucks. I don't blame them for not wanting to be in a relationship with me, if herpes is the reason, because that definitely affects them too, but I'm having a hard time not stirring up feelings of anger and hate towards my Ex for putting me in this situation moving forward. And yes, it takes two to tango, but I genuinely feel that there was nothing else I could have done differently to avoid getting herpes in a committed loving relationship with someone, besides abstaining from sex altogether.

 

So my question for all of you, is how do you pick yourself up and keep moving on when looking for love? I'm an attractive female with a good heart and a generally optimistic outlook on life, but this is starting to be a struggle for me in terms of finding another meaningful relationship in my life. I'd love to be married one day with kids, and have this whole herpes thing be no big deal, because it shouldn't be. But there is such a stigma against it out there (trust me, I had the same stigma before I contracted the virus), and it makes it difficult to get close to someone. What are your thoughts? How does everyone else deal with this in dating? How to you keep trucking through to find the right person?

[optimist]

@DD1234 - I'm pretty new here, too. But I recently watched @adrial's 3-part disclosure tip video clips and what stood out to me most was his counterintuitive statement that we must now increase our standards rather than decreasing them. That really spoke to me and I'd encourage you to watch those clips if you haven't yet done so.

 

I do realize there are very kind, compassionate, understanding people out there who are just so affected by the stigma, or fear having to live with the stigma themselves, or the potential physical symptoms if they should contract HSV, they choose not to become sexually involved with a HSV+ partner, but I still found a lot of value in that particular insight from @adrial and I do believe there are understanding and compassionate people out there who will be very willing to engage. I've heard this from multiple HSV+ female friends, as well.

 

You sound awesome. I hope your luck turns soon. I believe it will if you keep putting yourself out there.

[Katidid]

@DD1234 Hi and welcome! I have had herpies since age 23 and was lied to at first by the man who gave it to me. After seeing the herpies cream in his bathroom, he then came clean. We had been having sex for months unprotected until one night he said he had an infection and used a condom.......it came off during sex and the rest is history. Fast forward: I'm now 57 and have been married 20 years. My husband does not have it. We use condoms every time we have intercorse (his choice) and I respect that 100%. Now, we have oral sex a lot (unprotected). So, it is very possible to not spread this. He has not been checked, but I would think after 20 years, something would have surfaced by now if he had it. We just roll with it and never even think about it until he puts a condom on. I had a brief relationship before him who used condoms also and never got it. I have just now started taking anti viral only to hopefully reduce my 5 or 6 ob's per year to zero. So, all those years we only used condoms. I wish you the best of luck and hope you stay around here and let us all encourage you!

[DD1234]

@optimist and @Katidid thank you both for responding and for your insight. I haven't watched a ton of videos on here yet, so I'll make sure to do that!. @Katidid, I'm encouraged to hear that you guys have unprotected oral sex without any problems (hopefully). Was that difficult for your husband at first, if you don't mind my asking? I personally enjoy a healthy sexual relationship, not that that's all that matters, but it would be tough if that changed significantly due to my future partners fear about contracting the virus (pending that my future mate actually cares about it at all). Condoms don't bother me, and I have no problem using those. I also take a daily preventative medicine, ever since my ex and I broke up, but couldn't tell you the last time I had an outbreak. The first one was the worse, and I've hardly had any after the first year. I've read though that you could still be shedding even without symptoms, so that's still a risk for your partner right? Dating sucks enough already as it is, and it's even worse when you get rejected over something you have no control over. Which goes back to the classic "they're not the right person for you" line, and although it may be true, doesn't make it any easier to digest.

[Katidid]

My husband was so smitten with me that it just didn't matter to him. Now, he didn't want to get it either. He said he would always wear a condom and he has. He said he would be the last person I would ever have to tell and he was/is. My first ob was horrible too. Getting hv2 through oral sex is just about unheard of. We have oral a lot! I never knew how rare it was until reading that on here recently, but it really must be. Yes, we still shed, but in our case the condoms work. I have had this so long.....maybe I don't shed often. He never ever brings the subject up! Now, we have never had him tested, but I'm sure after 20 years he would be showing signs by now if he had it. He is also on chemo for the last three years due to the return of kidney cancer so he even has a compromised immune system and still no signs. He is a very good man and because he doesn't fret over it, I don't.

 

I think I would feel a bit like you if I was having to disclose often. I might be tempted to do herpies dating site. Have you thought about that?

[optimist]

@DD1234 Regarding the risk of oral sex, I wonder if it might help to think about how most people in the general population typically manage the risk of transmitting and contracting HSV-1 via oral sex. Most adults carry HSV-1 orally and it can be transmitted via oral sex, and some people use barrier methods as a precaution, but I think it's safe to say most people do not use barrier methods with oral sex. I think most people know enough to abstain from performing oral sex when they have a cold sore, but most people don't dwell on the possibility that they could be asymptomatic carriers capable of shedding or that they are shedding between cold sore outbreaks. I would hope it works similarly for genital herpes, whether caused by HSV-1 or HSV-2, that people would be conscientious about abstaining during outbreaks but otherwise feel free to engage in oral sex.

[Katidid]

@DD1234 we just had sex for the first time in 20 yrs without a condom tonight. We figured we would try it since I'm on anti viral now. Hubby was like in 2nd heaven lol. It was strictly his choice. Hopefully we will still have the same success.

[DD1234]

@optimist and @Katidid thanks again for the insight. Glad to hear the risks of spreading through oral sex are significantly lower. Makes me a happy lady. @Katidid congratulations on moving forward to a different level of intimacy with your husband! I'm assuming since you've been together for so long, that he truly loves you for you, and doubtful is going anywhere. :-)

 

IN an interesting turn of events, one of the guys I though had/was rejecting me just reached out. He apologized for being a bit distant, but said he needed to take the time to process the information I gave him and assess the risk involved. Which I completely understand. He still wants to continue to date and get to know me further. I'll admit it's a bit of a relief! Now we can actually see if there is a chance for a relationship built off of who we are and our personalities, verse it having to do with me being HSV+. We are a bit of time away from becoming intimate with each other, because I want to make sure he is fully aware of ALL the risks, and I honestly don't want it to be something that holds us back sexually. Nor do I want to feel guilty about not giving him the full range of information to make an informed decision if by chance he does get the virus down the road, which hopefully if we take the necessary precautions won't happen.

 

So happy news :-)

[Katidid]

DD1234 that is awesome news! The guy I told before ever meeting my husband did exactly the same thing. He came back saying that he was ready to date. We dated very briefly and had protected sex and as far as I know he never got it. He ended up having to move close to his ex-girlfriend because she found out she was pregnant after they split up. He wanted to be close so he could help raise the baby. And then Along Came my husband who didn't care what I had LOL.

 

This is kind of funny.... I am currently using vagifem which is a suppository to help correct vaginal dryness. The dryness is due to no hormones ie menopause. At any rate, one of the side effects is tingling all over the place down there.... Not what I needed. At first I thought it was prodrome. I had no clue what was going on because I never have prodrome symptoms. I ended up calling the manufacturer of the drug to find out if that was a side effect and indeed it is. It was like prodrome on steroids. Had me very worried for a bit LOL. Apparently the tingling Sensations are everything waking up down there. I'm coming back as a man in my next life!

 

Please keep me posted I'm very excited for you!!!

[WCSDancer2010]

@DD1234 Regarding the risk of oral sex, I wonder if it might help to think about how most people in the general population typically manage the risk of transmitting and contracting HSV-1 via oral sex. Most adults carry HSV-1 orally and it can be transmitted via oral sex, and some people use barrier methods as a precaution, but I think it's safe to say most people do not use barrier methods with oral sex. I think most people know enough to abstain from performing oral sex when they have a cold sore, but most people don't dwell on the possibility that they could be asymptomatic carriers capable of shedding or that they are shedding between cold sore outbreaks. I would hope it works similarly for genital herpes, whether caused by HSV-1 or HSV-2, that people would be conscientious about abstaining during outbreaks but otherwise feel free to engage in oral sex.

 

The majority of people get H from the 80% of the herpes-carrying population that doesn't know they have it. It's not that the H+ folks don't dwell on the risk, it's that they MANAGE it. They actually learn to listen to their bodies and find other ways to play if they think there's potential that they might be shedding. And that actually gives you an excuse to find other ways to play as a bonus!

[WCSDancer2010]

@DD1234

 

Hello and Welcome!

 

I have to keep this short - I have a lot of catching up to do on here this week, so I'm going to give you a bunch of links and a few thoughts.

 

First, as @optimist said, H is a great excuse to up your standards. It also makes a great Wingman (see links before you think I'm crazy!).... you will quickly learn which guys are into YOU and which ones just want to GET INTO you ;)

 

Read all the Success Stories you can... tons of inspiration right there from people who were once where you are and who have found love (often deeper and more meaningful than anything they have experienced) with a H- partner

 

And I just posted a Brene Brown video link on Forgiveness. You may want to look that up.

 

@Adrial has the Lifestyle Guides that may help you too.

 

Guide #1 Self Care and Self Image: shows you how to not only feel better about yourself and your future, but shift into a empowered and realistic mindset.

 

Guide #2 Dating and Relationships: is all about discovering how to make dating fun and free again (actually, even better than it was before H!).

 

Guide #3 Having “The Talk”: covers disclosing in a way that makes “the talk” something that brings you closer together instead of being a dealbreaker.

 

Guide #4 Sex and Intimacy: fulfills your desire to still have true, deep and profound connections (and shows you how).

 

I have permission to give out coupon codes right now to reduce your cost: P25 is for 25% off a single guide and P50 is for 50% off your entire order. To be honest, with or without Herpes they are a great guide to helping us to get past our fears and self limiting behaviours :)

 

These links are a good start and may help you to get how H can help you to create BETTER relationships....

 

(((HUGS)))

 

http://projectaccept.org/who-gets-hsv/

 

http://supporttruthanddialog.com/using-herpes-as-your-wingman/

 

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/5897/my-first-disclosure-story#latest Wingman example

 

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/3309/successful-herpes-disclosure-but-not-for-the-reasons-you-might-think (Herpes Wingman example Mazedaze818 )

 

http://herpeslife.com/herpes-forum/discussion/6347/my-disclosure-story 2 very different reactions … but both are “successful” in their own ways :)

 

Herpes as a relationship filter Adrial