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Confused and looking for closure

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My story is one that I am honestly still trying to figure out, and hope that I can at least have a little bit of closure on. I hope that by getting it out there, that someone can help me to navigate my way to that point. I am so very glad that this website is around so if nothing else, there is at least support for what we are all going through.


I am a 25 year old female, and I found out that I have Hsv2 about 8 months ago. What makes things complicated (but not overly unique, based on what I have seen from others' testimonials) is that when I found out, I was about 3 years into a monogamous (at least on my end, and i DID trust he was as well) relationship. I went to the doctor when I found 3 little whitehead looking bumps "down there", that I discovered when I felt an itch, scratched, and then felt a "stinging" sensation. I got them swabbed, and two weeks later, i found out that I came back HSV2 postive. All the while, before finding out the results, i refrained from having sex with my boyfriend, playing it off as being "too tired", etc., because I didn't want him to get freaked out if it turned out to be nothing. When I got the results, i broke down (on the phone with my bestfriend) and she calmed me down so that I could tell my boyfriend, sans hysteria. I told him I needed to tell him something, and when I did, his response was that he thought I was going to tell him I cheated on him, because he wouldnt have been surprised with how much he works out of town. In the moment i didnt think much of the comment because I was just concerned about reassuring him that it wasnt the case whatsoever (because my worst fear was that he was going to think that, and I had never been unfaithful). His next question was about whether it was something that would affect my IUD birth control, to which I told him it wouldn't, it was the other STDS that would be an issue (the same ones that were more likely a sign of infidelity, especially since we both had to be tested for those ones when I got the IUD). Again, this was a questionI didnt think much about at the time. All the while, while telling him, I was more or less laying the blame on myself (because of the fact that I had always feared that I had got it from a previous partner, but never had anything come up on tests or otherwise, and it was always a fear of mine that it would come up later down the road), but still told him that this was something that either one of us could have contracted before we even got together. He said ultimately, it didnt matter who it came from. About a month or so later, he came home with a pack of condoms, that I inquired about, and he said that he had gone to the doctor and received a blood test for HSV2 (because I had told him that was the type that I had) and his results came back negative. I never asked to see the results, though now i wish I had for closure. The condoms were because "if he didnt have it, he didnt want to get it". Fair enough I supposed, but this devastated me. I couldnt understand how after 3/plus years of being intimate, unprotected, that he didnt have it. And now the sudden want to use condoms, made me feel like he was scared to have sex with me. He also said that he got tested for everything else which made me feel like he didnt trust me; even when I told him I had never been unfaithful (and I never questioned him). It also made me question whether he really saw a future with me (to which he answered "i dont know" which should have been my que to end it) When n I tried to talk to him about my insecurities with it, he told me to just not think about it. He ultimately gave up on trying to use condoms after the 2nd or 3rd time (i assume because of how much it upset me, and because we werent having sex, which i feel guilt about). As the months went on, I never once questioned that this could have been a result of him being unfaithful, because I felt that it was just my past that had caught up to me. I blamed our relationship beginning to take a downturn on his job, and my having HSV2 (and my insecurities that went along with it), and ultimately I broke up with him, because I didnt have much confidence that he really saw a future with me (even before my diagnosis). After we broke up, I discovered he signed up on POF (through an email that I "found" while moving out) and confronted him about it. I brought up my fear that if he was already over the relationship or at least looking for sex that quickly after we broke up, was he already out of it while we were together? I did the unthinkable, and accused him of cheating and being the reason I have herpes. To which his response was that it was him and a buddy just messing around with a POF account as something funny. That I was making a "ridiculous" accusation, that i should know him better than that; that he has never been the kind of guy to "sleep around" or cheat. He said that I must not have ever trusted him, and that again he wouldnt be surprised if I did cheat because if something like that could set me off, then something bigger would too (aka being worried he cheated because i had?) He even went on to say that he never tried to make me feel bad about having it, and didnt think much about it once he "came to terms with it". That he always trusted me, and I should have known with how much he worked (which contradicts what he said when i disclosed to him ) It made me feel so guilty that I even went there, but I honestly dont know what to believe. i feel like the way I handled everything incriminated me, because of my guilt from possibly having caught it in the past, and I didnt even question whether I could have really been the one being blind-sided the whole time.I wish I had handled things differently, asked more questions, and seen for myself the results of his test. At this point, I feel like its too late to do any of those things, and that I may never get the closure I'm looking for. Ill never know if I should have guilt, or whether I was naive and let him pull the wool overof my eyes. I want neither, but I just cant get past this limbo. Sorry for the novel, I hope someone can offer some advice. Can I still talk to him? Is it even worth ? If hes going to lie hes going to lie. Ill never know the difference.



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Hello and Welcome!


Sadly, thanks to the gross lack of proper STD education in this country, your story is FAR from unusual. Diagnosis often brings a lot of insecurity on both sides... who "cheated" on who? (Even though you may have had it for years). How could this have happened to me? Did I have this for years and not know it? Did I give it, unwittingly, to someone else? etc etc etc.


So - it sounds like you were diagnosed by swab alone....which unfortunately just adds to your confusion... if they had done a blood test at the same time and it was negative, you would have known it was a recent acquisition (under 4 months). And as you said, you didn't see his results but the fact that he wanted to use condoms does make me think he had a negative test. Sadly the way he handled it just added to your insecurity. It's easy to take it personally when someone wants to suddenly change the rules of play.


In a perfect world you would have gone together and both got blood tested. You would have talked - TOGETHER - to a health care professional about your options. And then you would have talked about your options for the future.


So it sounds like your communication was already compromised and perhaps this was the thing that forced you to see that maybe *something* was missing in the relationship... not that it wasn't fixable, but you won't know and there's no use in obsessing about that now... what is done is done.


As for his POF exploits.... guys OFTEN go straight to the dating sites when they are in a break-up - it's how they avoid their feelings - it's how they try to regain their sense of their manhood - take it from an old fart who has been the "rebound chick" too many times (I won't date a man who is fresh out of a relationship any more). So it may well have been a harmless reaction to the break-up. And it was soo easy for you to take that as "proof" of cheating when you were already reeling from the diagnosis....


AND... I tell people to never ask questions or look for info that they are not prepared to deal with! "Finding" that info means you "looked" for it ... (lets just call a thing a thing here!) and then you used it against him as "proof" that he cheated ... and he may well have... but that kind of "proof" wouldn't stand up for 2 seconds in a court because there's no evidence that he was on there before all this happened.... point being... you jumped on something you didn't have all the facts on and there's no way we will ever know if you were right or not... and obsessing about that won't make anything any better at this point.


If you have had time for things to cool down between you, maybe you can ask him to meet you for lunch... just to try to find closure. You were upset when you "found" that info. He was confused and thoughtless (in the WAY he did it) when he brought condoms into the relationship. You BOTH made mistakes. What is done is done... and maybe you can at least end the lunch as friends and with a better understanding of how to deal with these things in a future relationship... and *perhaps* you will have your closure....




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@WCSDancer2010 I really appreciate the response. It is really helpful getting an unbiased perspective. You make some excellent points. Ones that are on the other side of my thoughts, as those are things I have been considering as well. It's a constant back and forth battle between my own perspectives.


I wish I had known to request the blood test along with the swab at the time. It would have saved me (and him) from a lot of speculation. I Am upset that I have let my mind become suspicious mind about it all. And that I have already done and said a lot of things that I wish I hadn't. There are a lot of things I could have definitely done differently , like telling him before I went to get tested and going together. That could have helped.


But you're right when you say communication between us was already compromised. I definitely think that was our biggest downfall (as it is in a lot of relationships) That the herpes just kind of became a catalyst for things. I regret having accused him of cheating based on the POF, because that wasn't "proof" that he cheated, it was just proof that he was getting back in the game to get over things. That's his business, and I shouldn't have gone fishing for it.


I guess I have let the diagnosis and the insecurities that come along with it, get the better of me; not really knowing when I got it and the explanation of from who it came from, and how it's suddenly (seemingly out of nowhere) bearing it's ugly head with a vengeance. I also did go looking for something that I shouldn't have, so I could have a reason to be upset with him rather than vice versa, which is selfish. Because even at the end of the blow up, he was the one that told me he never thought much about it once he got past the initial shock. That it was just a skin condition, that most people probably have or have slept with someone that has. That he would always love me, but what's done is done. I guess it's my own thoughts about H that have jaded my interpretation of the things he has said and done. We definitely both made mistakes; it takes two to make or break. I definitely think I made it much more about myself and how it was all making me feel, that I never truly considered his feelings, and thought all his words and actions had hidden agendas. Again something else that I hope to at some point be able to talk to him about. I truly do hope to be able to sit down with him and talk about everything, but don't think I can do that until I have my thoughts sorted.


Again, I really appreciate your input. As I'm sure you can tell by my posts, my thoughts are all askew, and I need to work on getting them sorted, and not so obsessive.



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One thing I've observed: Herpes has a way of making all of your insecurities come out in a way that you just can't avoid them any more. No amount of make-up, jokes, "self medication", etc will make them go away. You have to face them. And therein lies "The Opportunity". This is your time to reflect, to observe, to question, and to grow.


Some of this will be self-led. Some you may find here. It wouldn't hurt to find either a Therapist or a self help group or whatever to help to guide you. @Adrial is an AMAZING Life Coach.... and he has a great series of Lifestyle Guides that you can do on your own time. I have a code that can get you a reduction in price... I'll put it below. #1 may well help you out right now :)


You sound like the kind of person who will come out amazingly stronger from this. You are already looking inward to see what is yours. That is HUGE. Keep going. It won't always be pretty, but as one of my favorite quotes says:


The Truth Will Set You Free... But First It May Well Piss You Off!






... and here are short descriptions of each guide:


Guide #1 Self Care and Self Image: shows you how to not only feel better about yourself and your future, but shift into a empowered and realistic mindset.


Guide #2 Dating and Relationships: is all about discovering how to make dating fun and free again (actually, even better than it was before H!).


Guide #3 Having “The Talk”: covers disclosing in a way that makes “the talk” something that brings you closer together instead of being a dealbreaker.


Guide #4 Sex and Intimacy: fulfills your desire to still have true, deep and profound connections (and shows you how).


Coupon codes: P25 is for 25% off and P50 is for 50% off their entire order. Just put it in on the "coupon code" box to get the discount :)

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@WCSDancer2010 It's the "shoulda, coulda, woulda's" that are the worst part I think. You always wish and wonder "if only I had done this or this differently" in regards to catching it, or dealing with it when you find out. I wonder if I had more questions with the guys I had slept with before my boyfriend, or if I had asked/communicates with my boyfriend more when I found out, if things would be different. I think I just assumed a lot, and it is true what they say about assuming.


That is definitely one thing about herpes, that it brings to light all the insecurities and issues you have been suppressing. Which in a way is a blessing in disguise. It forces you to face your demons and actually begin to tackle them.


I definitely appreciate this site, and the resources and aupport it provides, as this is definitely a difficult and confusing thing to encounter. I am optimistic though that all will be figured out in time.

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