Disclosure in the horizons... nervous!

[Misha77]

Hello everyone! I'm new here, I signed up a while ago and recently started looking around the forum, and now wondering why I haven't jumped in and post sooner! I'm a 39 year old female, and I've had HSV2 for almost 3 years- except for the initial, I have never had another ob since. I had gotten it from my ex, whom we broke up a few months after I was diagnosed (not because of the herpes, but because we were growing apart). Physically it never really affected me, but emotionally I've struggled it. After my ex and I broken up, I put the focus back on me and worked on myself to heal and work through what I was struggling with. I feel like I am finally at a place where I truly love myself and cultivated self compassion and at a place of acceptance. I started dating again last fall, and I recently met and started going out with a great guy named N who is my age and is a family doctor. It's been almost a month, and things are going well so far. At the rate of how things are going, the disclosure talk is in the horizons.

 

My experiences with disclosure hasn't been a whole lot- my first time disclosing was to a good friend of mine whom I dated years ago- he ended up moving back to London, but we stayed in touch and as friends. When he reached out to me saying he may be moving back to Los Angeles (where I live) and wanted to see me again, I disclosed my herpes status to him. It only took a few minutes, he said that I'm still beautiful to him and that this doesn't change anything. We continued to stay good friends and we actually became closer as a result! Although we didn't end up together, I felt that disclosure (which was my first disclosure) went well!

 

Before I met N, I met this guy on POF, and we hit it off. We were talking on the phone for almost a week, and one day we were sharing pics of the art and posters that we have in our homes. I sent him a pic of a vision board I had made for myself, and on the board there was an affirmation I had written about how herpes does not define me or who I am, but it slipped my mind at the time I sent him the pic. He called me the next day asking me about that herpes affirmation. I wasn't prepared to tell him at the time, but he had seen that affirmation in the pic of my board, so I disclosed to him. He didn't take it too well, then said that he needed time to think this over. He ghosted me and never called me after that- that was my first rejection.

 

Back to the present- now that things are going well with N and that a disclosure talk is in the horizons, I'm a bit nervous, especially after experiencing that rejection. And him being a doctor, whom I understand that he's also just a person too, I'm feeling nervous and thinking because of his job and medical training, he probably knows the stats and perhaps know more. I would love to hear anyone's thoughts, opinions, support, etc...

[MMissouri]

I will for one say that just because he is a doctor does not mean you will be in the clear. Working with doctors on a daily basis, it goes either way. Some know the stats and some don't. But in the long run it's not going to be his profession that makes the decision- it's going to be whether or not he sees you as worth the risk. And the type of person he is. And really, that isn't on you. That's on him.

 

Best of luck with the disclosure! It's scary, but those that are really worth it will stick around.

[optimist]

@Misha77 - So many factors go into how a person reacts to this type of disclosure. I would hope that being a medical professional would mean he is more informed about prevalence, relative risk and transmission, but I wouldn't count on it.

 

I hope you will be able to set aside your experience with the POF guy when approaching this new guy. Everything I've read on various support sites and Reddit AMAs, as well as what I've heard directly from friends, has convinced me that most people are accepting and able to put this risk in perspective, even if they need a little time to process everything first.

 

Good luck!