Confused scared upset

[Brunette813]

I recently found out I have #2 genital..outbreak is gone but afraid to have another.i dated my ex for about 4 months put all my trust in him.To find out months later he had a contagious lifetime STD and didn't tell me..he knew and hid it from me..5 months later an outbreak occurs.thinking its heat rash or something of the sort.to go to the er to get the worse news I could ever imagine.."looks like herpes and I'm sorry but it's not curable"...I'm hysterical screaming wanting to just end it all.i never wanted an STD and now I have one for the rest of my life.

 

Does it get easier?

 

Do men actually accept the fact?

 

How can I calm down?

[MMissouri]

I'm not excusing your ex in any way, if he knew he should have been honest with you. Knowing the statistics and how many people don't know their status, it's possible (unless he's your only) you have kissed or had sex with someone that has herpes before.

 

The worse news you could imagine isn't herpes. Think about that. You could have had an HIV diagnosis, a cancer diagnosis, etc. It may seem horrible now because it's a shock, but the worse thing that could have happened? I think not.

 

It does get easier, men do accept the fact, and you will calm down with time, knowledge, and acceptance.

 

I really wish they would revamp the STD education. And this is not directed at you but just a vent. Every sexually active person is responsible for their health. Unless you have all your partners screened prior to having sex with them, you are taking a risk. Every..darn.. time.. ( I want to put that on a billboard along every major highway. lol )

 

I see so many people on here (myself included) that trusted someones word they were clean. But unless you see a test result you can only assume they know they are std free. Before your outbreak, you thought you were good to go right? That doesn't make you a bad person, it just makes you naive. Many people do not know they have an std. They assume, we assume, and you know what they say about assuming.

 

Anyways, the finger pointing really isn't going to help you heal. Yes, he has a responsibility to disclose to you if he knew his status. You also had a responsibility as a sexually active person to make sure of that status. It's easier when we have someone else to blame for our STD status, but I think that more of us need to take some accountability for the fact it could have been avoided if WE were more responsible.

 

Rant over. Hang in there. It's a shock that will get better. Learn about it, forgive him and yourself, and take care of you. It takes time, but you'll get there.

[Bambina3]

It's possible he didn't know....I went decades without any confirmation and unknowingly could of spread it....Do you two communicate? It really doesn't matter now who brought it in to the relationship, but you could encourage his testing.

 

My Doctor also had the same basic comment "you could have a, b, c" and "it could be worse"

Although theoretically that may be true, it doesn't help the person who is emotionally suffering, or the person that is sitting there reading or hearing that and has one of those diseases...it is actually distributing to me when people do any comparison.....suffering is suffering.

 

If you can, I'd strongly suggest therapy......I'm not ashamed to admit I have gone....you are not alone...many success stories here if you browse the site.

 

Sending hugs!!!

[MMissouri]

@bambina3 I did exactly that. But sometimes when you see worse often it is hard not to point it out. I apologize if I came off as dismissive.

 

That being said. Yes, suffering is suffering, however, there are different degrees. I'm pretty sure someone with HIV/cancer would rather have herpes. I don't think that is being cruel, I think that's being realistic.

[SunDevourer]

I honestly don't think there is any suffering to this. The suffering comes from wanting to be or holding on to an idea of what we think is right and can't let go of a past that is no longer us. No ones perfect and this concept isn't grasped until something tosses you out of the tower.

Have to asked yourself what is it you are scared of when you heard about this and then ask yourself what you actually know about this. Then question what is real about it.

 

Fear kills opportunity. Thig is there's only so much we can say and so much someone can read to get comfortable... When really it's up to us to make that difference.

 

I think a big part of it has to do with how others will react to you. That's the fear. And not to say that someone else's misfortune is greater than your own. It's more like pointing out the water isnt as deep as you think, so there's no since in trying to drown in shallow waters.

 

 

Big hugs and laughs. The sun has not stop shining for you, but in the moment of darkness. No road traveled is as dark as ones eyes shut.

[MMissouri]

Exactly that. Perfectly said.

[Bambina3]

I will agree to disagree on suffering.....because someone's mental state can be just as damaging to them, with or without any diagnosis....with that being said...I do agree to the different degrees of diagnosis that are pointed out above, however, how do we know we do not have a member lurking that also has one of the above diseases mentioned too? How do you think they feel reading this? Sure they might also agree, but it's just a reminder of their pain when we bring it up.

 

I just try to be mindful to all, I also work in healthcare.

[Bambina3]

@SunDevourer

Your last line was very inspirational, thank you ! I understand also what you are saying, but again people suffer to different degrees...I have read posts of people that have very extremely bad obs that debilitate them, as well as others that struggle emotionally.....so there is suffering, just not for everyone.

I don't take lightly that I was diagnosed with an incurable lifelong std....although I've had only 1 breakout that I'm aware of in almost 30 years...

If it was non suffering and taken so lightly, why disclose???

[SunDevourer]

I think that's were a big portion of the controversy of it all is. If it's really just a minor skin problems and the majority have it orally and aren't disclosing that only if it's in the genital area... Maybe it is because of sex shaming and misogyny. And with healthcare being so lose about the presence of it what, what is it we are teaching people? That's what I'm wondering

 

When I was diagnosed all they said was to take a pill if I have a breakout. No information on counseling or what to do after. It was really dismissed and they just said its common. Like it was the least of their concerns. The state - depending on the growing concern at the time- I know has contacted friends for syphillis or ghonna,but never for herpes. So it's definitely treated differently

 

But suffering. I can agree. Everyone handles things differently. Because it felt like everyone just tossed it aside for me it was confusing. Even though they treated it as no big deal it was still my own problem that I didn't know what to do with. I do have a big influence of Buddhism in me and their perspective would say my suffering isn't real. Or ask what is suffering, but a false imagination of the self. Because you aren't who you think you are. It gets deep. I think I felt a bit insane after the corse for a couple of semesters.

[MMissouri]

@SunDevourer-They track those diseases that's why the state is contacted. If you test positive for syphilis, gonorrhea, chlamydia, chancroid, Hep and HIV you are put into a database. Your name is suppose to be kept confidential though. And no, they do not do this for herpes.

 

On another note, they also do this for a positive flu. It helps them determine how severe an area gets hit, which strain is more prevalent, etc.

 

@Bambina3. If we are talking about mental status, then yes, sometimes mentally people can suffer greatly. Is this herpes related? Well, I don't honestly think so. I think this is a mental issue that is made worse because they are dealing with the stigma of herpes. Does that make any sense? Some people (although can we agree that it's the minority?) do struggle with physical symptoms long after that first outbreak.

 

So when someone comes on the forum and says they just want to die, their life is over, and this is the worst possible thing that could happen to them-I think that they need a reminder that no..it isn't. They need a wake up call. Because if all the replies were: Yes, this is an awful illness, i feel so dirty, I feel so ashamed, and any other negative line you can think of.. they wont ever come out of that revolving downward spiral. It's adding to those feeling instead of trying to rise above them.

 

We disclose because it's the honorable thing to do. When you have a cold don't you warn people? The flu? I feel lousy today, you might want to keep your distance type scenario. Those are typically not life threatening illness either.

 

You keep telling me you work in healthcare. Good. A hospital? If so, walk through your critical care unit/ICU every night when you get off. Take a good look at those people laying there fighting for their lives. Really look at them. The next time you get a code blue, go watch them work on someone. Then when you walk outside- feel that sunshine, take a deep breath, and be thankful your behind (blisters and all) are still alive. I don't ever have a day that I leave work and think about herpes. Ever. I think about all the people that have died that day. I think about the spry 103 year old that checked in for something minor but might not make it out. And I'm SO thankful that I have another day to live and enjoy life.

 

 

[Bambina3]

@MMissouri yes I'm in a hospital, for 26 years.

I don't need to walk around to know and see, I deal with it everyday.

I understand your point, and it's well taken

However, I don't think it's fair to downplay someone's emotions....

To look at someone suffering, to make yourself feel better? I think that's awful!!!

 

I agree that this is minor, I agree with helping those that want to go over the edge with this disease by helping them cope.... It is minor compared to other diseases if we must compare....but my preference is not to compare...not to look at someone's suffering to help my own (mentally or physically)

[MMissouri]

Okay, I don't know where this thread went wrong but you are misinterpreting everything I'm saying. I never said to look at someone else's suffering to make yourself feel better. This conversation is starting to get offensive so I think it's best if we just drop it here.

 

To the original poster- I hope that you are dealing with things better. And I apologize that we have hijacked your post.