2 drastically different disclosures

[JJJ2015]

My first real disclosure was about 4 months ago. I was terrified, got drunk, and cried while telling him. He stayed, he was VERY supportive, even did some research on this website after I told him about it. However, 4 months later and we have not had sex. He says it is not only the herpes, he has some intimacy and exclusivity issues of his own. If he's telling the truth, I'd like to point out that everyone has issues. Whether it be herpes or emotionally scarring, everyone has something that could potentially be an issue in any relationship.

We're still seeing each other, but given that I want a relationship, I told him I was going to start seeing other people. So I had my second disclosure the other day. We were sitting in his car after a date, he mentioned for the 4th or 5th time that he really likes me so I just said, "before we go down that road, I just want to tell you that I have herpes and while it hasn't affected me much, I understand if that's a deal breaker". He asked a few really good questions, I answered. He said that he REALLY appreciates me telling him and that it's not a deal breaker at all. He said he sees something in me that he's not willing to let go of yet and even asked me to go back to his house. I declined bc I want to take things slow, but it was nice that he didn't even bat an eye.

We went on another date and I'm going to his house this weekend and it hasn't been brought back up at all.

Whether or not the first guy won't have sex with me based on how I delivered my disclosure I'll never know for sure but I have a feeling that my lack in confidence at that point in time directly affected his lack of confidence in taking that small risk.

I'm not sure where it is going with either guy but at least I have learned a lot through my first disclosures!!

[optimist]

@JJJ2015 I'm so happy for you! Whether or not a dating relationship pans out with the second guy, having this type of experience is so important and beneficial. Good luck to you!

[Katidid]

@JJJ2015 yes, I think it's all in how you deliver the disclosure for sure. If you make it out to be a huge deal, they are going to take it that way. My husband wanted to just jump right in the sack with me on the first date 20 yrs ago. I asked if he had a condom and he said no. I then said "well, that's not very smart these days" and proceded with my disclosure and gave him some stuff I had printed out about it. To ths day he never brings it up. He never made a big deal about it, but choose's to wear condoms during intercorse which is fine by me. He is H free still. Our oral sex is without any protection as hvs2 is almost impossible to get oraly. Best of luck to you!!!

[Hecate]

@JJJ2015 and @Katidid, I'm so happy and relieved to hear about your experiences. I just joined today because I will likely soon be making my own disclosure. I fluctuate from being very confident and matter of fact to feeling scared and vulnerable, primarily because as I do my research to prepare for The Talk, I'm getting information overload and don't know if I can retain all the info. Would anyone share how much and what kinds of information potential partners usually ask for?

[JJJ2015]

@hecate, my first disclosure I pretty much did all the talking. Just gave the stats listed on this site, told him that it hasn't affected me at all, etc. He asked some follow up questions in the weeks following. Like about oral, kids,etc.

The second one, he told me that he doesn't know much about it and said, but I assume it's pretty manageable? I said yes, completely. I gave him the stats off this site. He asked about children. I answered. That's been it from him really.

It's good to know the transmission stats but as far as anything else, I would just direct them to this site or something.

[Bambina3]

Whether or not either works out

Yay for you

So positive !!

[Hecate]

@JJJ2015, thank you so much. What you shared makes the "talk" experience feel much less overwhelming!