JJJ2015

@Leep I understand wanting to give him all the info without feeling like you're badgering him. However, trying to pursue a relationship where he's talking about abstinence isn't a relationship. I'd tell him you have some more info and ask if he'd be willing to read it. Make him aware of the way his reaction is making you feel. I dated a guy for 4 months. I told him in the beginning and he said he wanted to continue to see me. Was willing to talk about it but was never willing to have sex. I don't think he realized how that made me feel. Every time he came over I got my hopes up that this will be the night.... but it never was. We ended things here recently. It's not just about the H- one's reaction and feelings. They need to make sure we're comfortable too. I think we all tend to forget about that. We can't allow someone to make us feel less than human. Giving people time to process is absolutely necessary. It's hard to tell where to draw the line. But if he's important to you, def try again to provide some info. If you're important to him, he'll listen.

@hecate, my first disclosure I pretty much did all the talking. Just gave the stats listed on this site, told him that it hasn't affected me at all, etc. He asked some follow up questions in the weeks following. Like about oral, kids,etc. The second one, he told me that he doesn't know much about it and said, but I assume it's pretty manageable? I said yes, completely. I gave him the stats off this site. He asked about children. I answered. That's been it from him really. It's good to know the transmission stats but as far as anything else, I would just direct them to this site or something.

My first real disclosure was about 4 months ago. I was terrified, got drunk, and cried while telling him. He stayed, he was VERY supportive, even did some research on this website after I told him about it. However, 4 months later and we have not had sex. He says it is not only the herpes, he has some intimacy and exclusivity issues of his own. If he's telling the truth, I'd like to point out that everyone has issues. Whether it be herpes or emotionally scarring, everyone has something that could potentially be an issue in any relationship. We're still seeing each other, but given that I want a relationship, I told him I was going to start seeing other people. So I had my second disclosure the other day. We were sitting in his car after a date, he mentioned for the 4th or 5th time that he really likes me so I just said, "before we go down that road, I just want to tell you that I have herpes and while it hasn't affected me much, I understand if that's a deal breaker". He asked a few really good questions, I answered. He said that he REALLY appreciates me telling him and that it's not a deal breaker at all. He said he sees something in me that he's not willing to let go of yet and even asked me to go back to his house. I declined bc I want to take things slow, but it was nice that he didn't even bat an eye. We went on another date and I'm going to his house this weekend and it hasn't been brought back up at all. Whether or not the first guy won't have sex with me based on how I delivered my disclosure I'll never know for sure but I have a feeling that my lack in confidence at that point in time directly affected his lack of confidence in taking that small risk. I'm not sure where it is going with either guy but at least I have learned a lot through my first disclosures!!

I was told those feelings could last 4-6 months or so..... now that I am on the other end of that and coming up on a year, I'm not sure what that means. I'm assuming it is a prodrome and I should consider myself highly contagious. I'm thinking I'll go ahead and start taking suppressive therapy which I haven't been, and see if that helps. Either way I think it'll help me feel better about the prospect of having sex. Are you on suppressive therapy @minnejojo?

That's totally a personal call. I've been seeing a guy for 4 months after telling him on our 4th date (I felt we were EXTREMELY close at this point already - sometimes that happens) but he is still scared to have sex with me and is not wanting to be exclusive. So I've started dating. I've been on now 4 dates with one guy and decided to go ahead and tell him. In my head I'm still closed off to him partially bc I still really like this other guy, but also partially bc I don't want to go through the same thing with this new guy.... date for months and then find out he can't handle it. So I'm figuring I'll tell ppl once I determine they are in fact looking for a relationship, which can take a while.... but before I've gotten attached. And if it hasn't affected you at all then I don't even think you're "downlplaying" it. To me, downplaying would be if it really has affected you but you're trying to put off that it hasn't. So it seems to me you're just telling the truth! Hope that helps.

To be with someone a whole year and not actually be ok with it would be surprising to me. Of course he may be scared to get it but if he has been wanting sex with you without condoms for this long, to me that means he's ok with the risk. Maybe the Dr just got him thinking again and freaked him out and he'll be ok in a couple of weeks. Maybe he should find another Dr lol.... I've been dating a guy for 4 months and he still won't have sex with me, not even oral. He gets me off, but is still hesitant about everything else. Supposedly he does have some emotional issues of his own and it's not just about my herpes, but honestly I'm not sure if he's telling the truth. I've seriously been considering letting him go here soon. But that's 4 months with no sex, not a whole year together where sex was being had. Remind him that you are more than willing to support him and help him through this but that you need support too. Even if you cool it on the sex for a while, he needs to help remind you that he cares about you and you're not a leper. Even with herpes, we're worth finding someone who does that for us as well us supporting our H- partners.

I was diagnosed in September. Same as you, wide array of symptoms but only 1 sore that I saw. I have NOT been taking medication since then because I wanted to see how my body would handle it. I have not gotten another OB since the first one. I do still experience tiny tingles throughout the day which right now I'm trying to figure out whether or not to consider those prodromes. A couple of weeks ago I got sick and was experiencing higher than normal stress levels and I felt those tiny tingles start to turn into more. So I did take the medication I keep on hand just in case. After 3 days it was back to normal, no actual OB. I do eat healthy and take my vitamins and go to the gym, all of which I was doing before hand anyway. They say it's very common to get more frequent OBs during the first year while your body adjusts. But they also say they're nowhere near as bad as the first one. I'll cross my fingers for you that your situation will be similar to mine!

I'm really curious what others have to say about this.... is a slight tingle here and there always considered a prodrome? It's been 9 months since my first and only OB..... should I consider myself contagious from those little tingles? I'm going to call on some of you that have helped me in past discussions if that's ok. @optimist @2legit2quit @wcsdancer2010 @bambina3 Thanks everyone!

Interesting. Thanks @scared16

Hi again all, I know every one is different but I'd like some guidance on prodomes and avoiding sex. Do people really not feel anything ever? Bc I will feel a tiny little reminder about once or twice a day. Just a slight tingle, itch, or twinge. I'm not having sex right now but would like to at some point lol. No actual OB since the first one 9 months ago. Will I have to wait a week each time I feel a slight twinge? Thanks!

Thank you @optimist. After my diagnosis, I spent a lot of time working on my confidence and making sure that I didn't think of it as this huge deal. You're right, this is completely taking me back and knocking me back down. I'm trying to take some steps back to work on myself and get my feelings under control and at the same time giving him space. I'm not even sure if it's truly him that I'd be so upset about losing or if it's the acceptance that I can't stand the thought of losing. We'll see what happens. I really appreciate your responses, you have definitely helped! I just have to remind myself it's really not that big of a deal and that most people hopefully will be accepting.

Thank you @optimist for your response. I do think it's very important how this is making me feel. And like you said, it's not his fault, he's not doing anything wrong. But he seemed so ok with it in the beginning. Its exaclt like you said, watching something load to 90%.... we have such a great connection. We both felt it right off the bat. So it's so difficult to accept that this problem of mine is the reason we can't move forward. Yes, we can tell ourselves it's just a compatibility issue, but we all know it hurts worse than anything other compatibility issue I've faced. I'm getting really down on myself and trying not to show him bc I know he'd try to make me feel better but where is that going to get us.... I'm glad you added that part about your next relationship, because that's another thing.... I just don't want to have to go through this all again. Someone saying and believing they're ok with it and then just not being able to get there 100%... so that gives me hope. I'm beyond ready for a relationship... feeling down on myself won't help me find one I know, but I just feel so profoundly sad and almost disgusted with myself right now. Hopefully it'll pass soon

Hi all, I was diagnosed in September. I took a whIle off dating to cope and get things under control. About 4 months ago I started dating a guy. I told him after about 3 weeks of seeing each other. My delivery needs practice lol but he was sweet about it. Said all the right things, etc. We're still seeing each other but there's no sex. We do plenty of other things multiple times when I do see him. But it seems he's still scared to have sex. We've talked about stats and risks, etc. But recently he told me the thought of getting it is still very disturbing to him. We talked about it some more. And it's like he won't even entertain the thought of condoms. I know it takes a while to comprehend what you're hearing and dealing with when you're on the receiving end of this conversation. My question is how much time do I give him to decide if he's ever going to be comfortable with this? I really like him but if he's too scared to ever have sex with me then obviously we're not going to make a long term relationship work. Not to mention the way this is making me feel. Every time we talk about it and I try to reassure him, I feel like I'm trying to talk him into doing something he doesn't want to do. Like I'm not worth having sex with. Which is a shitty feeling. Thoughts?

Thanks everyone!! It probably did trigger something for me as my ex husband was EXTREMELY manipulative and mentally abusive. So maybe it was just me being a little too sensitive to that stuff! He has been a little pushy so I'm taking it slow and seeing how he acts. Thanks!!

Hi all! I posted here a while back when I was first diagnosed. I haven't been posting lately bc I'm not dating and I'm also not having any OBs. Here recently, I reconnected with an old flame. We were very close then so I felt he was a good "test subject"to disclose to. This was my first real one. We were getting hot and heavy and I stopped him and told him. He really didn't seem to care at all (Yay!). BUT after I told him, he jokingly said "that's ok that just means if you give it to me, you have to marry me". While I'm certain he meant it light heartedly, it made me very uncomfortable. Has anyone else experienced this? I'm now worried about getting into a long term relationship, if i end up transmitting it, someone giving me the guilt trip into staying even if I'm not happy? This never even crossed my mind as one of my worries after being initially diagnosed!! Any insight?

Thanks!

Haha yea maybe ease your way into it before sitting in a sauna after a spin class! I took a spin class a couple of weeks ago. That isn't exactly comfy and cushy on your "nani" (lol) anyway. I was probably ok but I left 30 min into the hr long class bc it was getting more and more uncomfortable. Didn't cause anything crazy, it was just uncomfortable. I may try again later but right now it's too soon for me!

I'm probably just freaking myself out but I'm scared my giver may have had HIV as well. I know the only thing I can do is get tested, and I am in December as that'll make it 3 months. I know it's harder to contract HIV but can someone give me stats on contracting both at the same time? I'm worried he had an active OB when we had sex which means he may have had open sores?

I've been H positive for about 2 months now and I'm in the gym a lot. You obviously wouldn't want to take a spin class lol but I haven't had going to the gym cause an OB. I just make sure to change into something dry as soon as I get home and don't go out to eat or grocery store right after. You obviously sweat more doing cardio so maybe lay off the cardio at first if you're scared. Try light weights and resting in between to avoid a whole ton of sweat and wetness down there. You can still get a great workout without dripping sweat. I've also been masturbating but only clitoral stimulation. I have toys that I haven't tried yet bc like you, I'm worried. But so far so good, no other OBs since the first. It's good to be active! Get in it, just pay attention to your body!

Very good reality check that I def need to keep in mind. Thanks for sharing

I wonder why it was taken off the market?

Me too @bambina3. I'm having a hard time saying the word. I keep saying IT. I've only told my mom and one other friend up until now so far though.... I've had a couple of bad emotional days about it here recently. Im talking to someone now. We haven't even met yet and I keep going back and forth between "tell him now so he can just stop wasting his time and get it over with" and give yourself time and wait it out. I know it's just the stigma intimidating me. But it is a problem. It is a deal breaker for some ppl. No one WANTS this. I know everything I'm supposed to say to myself but sometimes it just doesn't help. Friends at work told a herpes joke the other day and i barely made it through the rest of the day. Sorry, this was supposed to be an uplifting discussion and I just ruined that lol. Have you disclosed to anyone yet @bambina3?

I have insurance and it was only like $10 for 20 pills. I didn't know it ever wasn't available!

It's so hard to figure this thing out. Let your body work on it, go on medication, it's just difficult to know what's best. I do think you're right, @ilovemyself. I think being on suppressive therapy will help others feel more comfortable in going through with it. And more so I think it'll ease my conscience. Just got the place I saw to mail me my results, so I'll be calling my gyno soon and probably just go ahead and be put on something. Besides, I'm pretty terrified of another OB.

Ok, good to know. Thanks!