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Just found out I have herpes and botched the notification for someone I care about

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Hello everyone, been lurking all week and I so appreciate this site and forum. I was just diagnosed on Monday. Suffice it to say I was crushed, but I did my research, got educated, and read positive story after positive story. I really was at peace with it and figured it reallty isn't a big deal. Even disclosed to some friends. However, notifying my previous partners has been a bit difficult. 2 took it well. The 3rd was someone I was casually dating prior to H diagnosis, but very interested in possibly starting a relationship with. We had not been together for 3 months. I was especially nervous about notifying/disclosing to him. I wrote out everything I wanted to say and felt strong and confident. But when I heard his voice, I couldn't keep it together and I started crying, which seemed to freak him out. He didn't seem to know what it was, but thanked me for doing the right thing. This was doubly hard because I had to let him know so he could get tested while also disclosing. I am still processing my own diagnosis, and having to tell him before I would have liked was so hard. I assured him I thought it was recently acquired from my most recent partner due to the timing of my outbreak, but I couldn't be sure. I sent him some information on testing and then told him I was here if he had questions. I feel like I ruined everything. Who could want someone that caused this much stress? I am devastated by not only the loss of a potential relationship, but a friend as well. I don't know what I want, maybe just reassurance I did the right thing.

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I found out this week too! But you are braver than me for doing that. I just told one of my bestest friend and he told me that think of it as chance to take care of yourself more to protect yourself and others. Because most have it and dont know that they do! Im still reeling and depress and i pray for calmness and acceptance. I too am starting to like somene and vice versa. The feeling of rejection is so overwhelming. You have done a good thing!

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Thank you both. It just sucks that I hurt someone I care so much about. I think if I had handled it differently, he would have panicked less. He wasn't demeaning or cruel, I could just tell by his tone. But since he didn't seem to know what it was at all really, I think that contributed to the situation. At least everyone I needed to notify knows. I can focus on moving on, I was fortunate to have an extraordinarily mild first outbreak (HSV2: I have a strong immune system). I will say I am moving through the stages faster than I thought. The first day I cried for 6 hours, felt worthless, unlovable, and untouchable. Then I realized it is a skin condition, I am still me, and I am not a walking vector of disease! I refuse to let it get me down.

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I will also comment that you are much braver than I am.

I am happy to read it is out behind you

And to let yourself go and cry is not a sign of freaking out or weakness...I think it shows a comfort level with him, and I hope he realizes that after he processes everything.

Good luck

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  • 2 weeks later...

Well, you did the right thing and if he's any kind of friend, he will stand by you in some way, shape or form. If you had lots of sex (unprotected) and he tests clean, it will be good for you both to see how dificult it really is to spread when you don't have an ob. On the other hand, if he does have it, then he has it!!! He may just want to continue with the relationship. Keep us posted as to how it goes and best of luck!!!

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