H helped me find my man

[Alissa]

I want to tell you my story on how herpes can be a blessing in disguise. Three years ago I was told I have H type 2, I was a complete wreck. I'm talking balling every night, dark dark thoughts type of wreck. I got it from my first sexual relationship, one I think back to and cringe not because of H but because of how mistreated I was through out its duration. I had no previous relationship to compare it to so I believed what we had was good (that's another part that makes me cringe). When I found out I had H, after having a horrifically painful first OB, I immediately called the guy. After getting the news he went MIA. Never saw him again. This may sound crazy to the newly diagnosed but I am so thankful. If this hadn't happened I may still have been with this guy, who I later found out had been cheating on me. Worst of all if not for H I may not have had the courage to move away from home and I may have never met the absolutely incredible man i'm with today. The man that opened my eyes to what a real, healthy, beautiful, crazy in love relationship is.....

 

I was hesitant to even go on a first date with him, he was adorable, an absolute hunk, a sweet heart but he was also a co-worker - and I have herpes. Eventually I took the plunge and I'm so glad I did, it was the best date ever. By the end of it I had that fairytale he's THE one feeling. Though emotionally it wasn't an easy road because of how much pressure and weight I let H put on me. As the relationship progressed I knew a disclosure was approaching. This terrified me, so much so that I dreaded hanging out even though I desperately wanted to see him it made me feel sick to my stomach at the same time. It became such an issue in my head that I started to try and convince myself that I didn't like him. I was letting my fear of rejection and heart break prevent me from forming a deep connection. When I had i love you thoughts I would immediately follow them with negative thoughts and tried to cook up reasons why I didn't like him. I didn't even have any reasons besides, "I just don't, I don't need a man and I can be alone forever." This fear let me weed out prior dates, those ones always had legitimate reasons for me to leave or the guy would leave after I refuse to have sex after a few dates. In those cases H let me fend off the guys that were not looking for the same kind of a relationship as me. However, this guy was different, it had been 3 months and I had nothing bad to say, nor did he get fed up with me for not having sex.

 

Then the fateful day came when we had the Boyfriend/Girlfriend talk. I said yes, but I felt so guilty because we hadn't had the disclosure talk yet. I had tried to get it out numerous times, I had practiced it almost everyday, but I was so scared. Then a few weeks later we took a road trip to a beautiful National Park. I knew it was time to disclose, and by this point I felt so comfortable and confident in us that my heart told me he would be okay with it. The first night passed and I couldn't bring myself to do it. The second night was like a scene out of a movie, I can't possibly do it justice. We could't find any vacant camp sites in the national park so we decided to drive out of it and camp in a random location in the woods. We didn't realize but we took the wrong road, and ended up in a completely different province, one I had been dreaming of going to. As if that wasn't exciting enough we stumbled upon a magnificent waterfall! We pulled off the road and hiked into get a better look at the stunning view. There we stood in the forest looking up at the beautiful falls, he pulled me in for a hug and held me tight, then whispered "I love you". I said it back, I'd felt that way for so long but neither of us had said it yet. It was amazing to finally say it, but at the same time that pitt in my stomach set in, "I am madly in love with this man, and he loves me to, but I haven't told him yet". I felt like I had manipulated and lied to him for letting it get this far emotionally and not disclosing. I knew I had to do it.

 

We pitched a tent right near the falls and it was amazing curled up together in such a breathtaking place. He went to turn off the light but I stopped him. I wanted to see his face while I disclosed. I said, "I feel really, really good about us." He agreed. I continued, "I want to take this to the next step but first there is something I want to talk to you about." He looked inquisitive. I asked if he'd ever been tested and he said no. I continued, "okay, well 2 years ago I found out I have herpes. I don't know how much you know about it but it's actually very common". He listened intently as I gave him all the stats I had rigorously studied from Adrial's disclosure sheets. He asked a few questions and by the end he said, "Well, that doesn't sound bad at all". It was a good night :)

 

So to anyone currently struggling to realize your self worth living with H I want you to know how valuable you are. I was abstinent for 2 years. I didn't feel any man would want me since I was "tainted" in my own eyes. I thought I'd never experience a deep love because of H. Adrail and all the others here always say how H doesn't change your value as a person and its completely true. H helped me postpone sex with this amazing man, so that I knew he valued ME and not my body. He genuinely liked hanging out with me. We learned how well our personalities meshed without the attachment hormones of sex distorting feelings. H helped me find exactly what I was looking for. However, I don't advise waiting as long as I did. While H has the power to help you form a deeper emotional connection unrelated to sex, being vulnerable and sexual passion is a significant part of forming a deeper connection outside of sex. I feel that withholding my disclosure and sex was almost beginning to threaten everything we had. He had been extremely patient with me but it was evident that after almost 4 months of being so patient he was becoming antsy, especially since our relationship was going so well. My fear was tearing me apart inside throughout that time. It made me question my feelings and almost made me walk away from something so amazing. My advice to anyone dealing with a disclosure is that you will know when you need to do it, you will feel it inside. Practice your talk, tell it to friends if you can. I practiced it out loud when ever I was home alone. I practiced by talking to doctors about it just to get more comfortable saying I have it. Wait until your somewhat comfortable saying it but if you get to the point where its effecting your relationship with the person you need to go ahead and do it, or evaluate if you really want to take it to that step. The good thing about H is that it can let you step back and rationally look at where a relationship is because it requires even more vulnerability to take that next step. Should the person not be comfortable with it then it just wasn't meant to be, and someone else is out there for you. Secondly, realize H doesn't define you. You have a personality and talents and those are the things that make you who you, you.

 

I am happy with who I am as a person, and herpes can no longer make me feel otherwise, and it shouldn't for anyone else either. It took H for me to realize who I am as a person and how much I have to offer a man besides my appearance and my body. I took 2 years away from sex and I focused on me, what kind of a person I was and what I wanted to improve to become a better person. It was the healthiest thing I could have done. Whether you have H or not you have to realize how amazing you are before you can truly let anyone else into your life to see these amazing parts of you.

 

I've never felt such good communication and connectivity with another person prior to this relationship and the disclosure. I am so thankful to have learned this and to have found my THE ONE. It's been a year and a half and many more to come. :)

[ihaveittoo]

Thanks for posting. This should be an especially good read for those newly diagnosed and the old timers who may be stuck in a rut.

[mr_hopp]

I feel so warm and tingly reading this. I want this for everyone.

[LLL]

@Alissa This is so so inspiring and so helpful to people like me who are still in the "who will ever want me now" stage. Your post has made me feel a bit more hopeful about the future!

[Pinky4ever]

Thank you for sharing. I just disclosed about my condition and he was such a jerk about it. At first, he was charming and seemed to be the man of my dreams then soon after I told him, he showed his true colors. Having H shows who is really down for you and who can love you unconditionally. So now, I'm back dating and I have to do this all over again. It gets pretty draining and I hope I have a success story. I need a prayer. I'm getting too old this, lol. I want settle down already and get married and have a child. I do wish we all have success stories. Blessings.