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Emotionally drained!


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Well basically i am new to this site, as ive only just found it :( bummer! I have so much to say but I'll cut a long story short. I caught herpes around a year ago now, and my life has changed a lot, not all bad though. I have not had a partner since the day I was told, and that's what's killing me most. I live in a small town where everybody knows everyone, that sucks! What sucks even more is that everyone around here is so narrow-minded it's unreal, plus they're all my age (19) and there is absolutely no way EVER I could tell anyone, everyone would know and I would have to move towns.. I feel like I have been strong and I have learnt from herpes that I am very good at staying strong, for example this is the first time I have ever spoken about herpes other than when I was told I had it and they were not helpful at all, I had to do my own research and I can tell you I've done a lot of that!!!! So what I say is truly what I have learned through all this time of dealing with it, like when I said I'd have to move towns. I sound pathetic but it's a fact.

 

The one and only thing about herpes that really gets me down is watching someone I really like end up with someone else because I can't sleep with them. I know everyone says if they love you they won't care and all that jazz, but to be honest, I know which choice I would make about having herpes or not (if I had the bloody choice)! All my friends have families now and boyfriends and I know I have to wait and haven't got that kind of choice anymore, yes that also sounds pathetic of course i will one day have a family LOL but again I have realised I can't just meet someone I fancy anymore and see what happens like I used to because I cant give them what someone else can :'( I have thought about sleeping with these people as my doctor told me you cannot pass it when there are no blisters and he gave me a leaflet that said the same thing. LUCKILY i researched as well and was told the opposite.. I was devastated.. Literally last night I had too see someone i have been meeting for a while walk away because he couldn't understand why I was so distant with him.. now I see him talking too someone else and its like NOOOOOOO!!! :( ahh well. I kinda started thinking about just being on my own anyway only because it's easier. I keep telling myself I HATE MEN and eventually i just scare them all off to make myself feel better, but really deep down it's all I've ever wanted. I wish everyone in the world spent as much time as i have reading about this stuff and maybe they would all understand so i could tell them and they wouldn't mind!

 

I feel like I'm in a different world now. The Herpes World, lol. Like I've stepped into another planet. I keep thinking oh my god emma you've messed your life up forever! Things we would do to turn back time eeh! But I must say I have so grown up through it. I think if someone ever told me they have herpes before they sleep with me I would definitely be amazed by their bravery! But before I had herpes, I would of got up and ran and thought YUCK!! .... It's mental how it changed the way you see the world so much when you get herpes, but yet.... Its a blister....A BLISTER.... I wish people would realise that its not a massive deal.. but like i say before i did my research i thought it was gross.. and there are people in much worse cases... hope I haven't bored anyone to death, but like i say it's my first ever time speaking about this and I had a year's worth of ranting to do... Wow I actually feel so much better now .... xxxxxxxx

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Awww, I saw your comment on my post. I felt the same way when I first posted, lol... Just took people about a day or two but trust me someone will be replying.

 

I'm new to this site too, also new to herpes.. Just found out I have it Thursday, it's been really hard for me to deal with. I don't know how you kept it in for a year but it's definitely a good thing that you're talking about it now. It hasn't even been a week for me, and I was going crazy not having someone to talk to, so I found this site... I'm 17 and if your 19 now I'm assuming you got it when you were 18, which means you and I can relate even more. I'm here to talk and I need someone to talk to also.

 

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First off, both of you EmmaLynn & DyingInside are so mature for your ages. So aware of yourselves and how you think. I don't think I got there until I was about 30. ;)

 

And I feel your pain, EmmaLynn. (All of your bottled-up ranting is totally welcome here! It's healthy to get it all out and see it on the page, isn't it?) It sounds like herpes has been like a jail cell for you, where you can't get past it to get into a relationship with someone who will love you for you. AND I hear that you're ready to let yourself out of that jail cell, that you know that you deserve an amazing man in your life, that you deserve to be happy. I hear that you're aware that there's a part of you that is trying to scare men off so you won't have to tell them about your secret. And that's okay. That part of you just wants to protect yourself, to keep you safe. And you get to decide if you want to keep pushing men away to feel safe. Simply noticing these things is HUGE. It's part of the process of self-understanding. You can only have choice about things that you are aware of. Even if you aren't where you want to be right now, you seem like you are being fair to yourself through this process. Thank you for showing all of us how to allow yourself to be angry while still being fair to yourself.

 

In addition to your self-care I also do hear some self-shaming and beating yourself up (which I see a whole lot with people going through not just herpes, but life). I notice myself doing that all the time! It's interesting that a part of us thinks that if we beat ourselves up enough that we'll feel better or learn our lesson for the next time around. But this simply isn't true. Feel free to read my post on herpes shame on the blog.

 

In short, this is a process. And even through all of it's ups and downs, it's a process toward healing and growing ... I'm so proud of you for reaching out here.

Notes:

  • My mother is now in hospice with end-stage cancer, so I am at her house a lot these days helping where I can until she passes. Thank you in advance for understanding if I am not as quick to respond as I normally would be. This is a precious and bittersweet time …
  • This content is for informational purposes only. This information does not constitute medical advice or diagnosis. I'm not a medical professional, so please take this as friendly peer support. 

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Emma Lyn I posted you....it just wiped it..and it was a looooong one too!!! I said the same kind of things Hopp did too and I know what you are going through too - I am seven months down the track. Ihad the first 5 months with one constant OB and thought that would be my life. Now I have been two months free of symptoms woohoo!

 

I cried, didn't want anyone to know, had to disclose, had a recurrance of HPV which I caught when I was young (from unfaithful ex husband)and thought no one would want me. Now i know I can get better, disclosing gets easier, I have no symptoms of either virus right now and I there are men who have wanted me...so life goes on and it gets better.

 

I am glad you opened up and it is a privilege to read your words, so many I have thought too. It is a process and I still have times when I cry, when it is hard and when i think it sucks...but those times fewer the more open I am and accepting of this. I learned to do it with the HPV and so it isn't so hard this time, it's a bit difficult to tell potential partners they get two for one with me though!

 

You are 19 and have so much to experience yet...you will find someone and maybe H is a good thing, it will make you more careful and discerning with men. And don't compare yourself to your friends with boyfriends and babies...there is so much more to life and you will get to experience it before being tied down to kids. Keeping men at a distance isn't a bad thing, you give yourself time to check them out and see how good a choice you are making. Believe me, any wrong choice can be worse than H!

 

And you aren't pathetic or boring..you are very real and yes you have stepped onto another planet but it isn't so bad and there's some good people here :-) xx

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Ahhh thankyou so much everyone :) I was so excited too log on here and see if anyone had wrote!! You have made me feel so much better! I really do believe that H can actually be a good thing, obviously you have days when you get down and look at people around you and wish you were them because they dont have H, but to be honest i've like.. found who I am if that makes sense ! DyingInside I have had it almost a year and can you believe I have only cried twice about it!! I've learnt to block it out :) let me know if u have any Questions <3 and yes the_H_Opp I have so grown up thanks to H! I realise how much there is to life other than sex and partners!! I am an only child and its helped because I've always wanted to travel and see the world, make lots of money and party LOL.. who says I need a man :-) Thanks again all of you....xxxxxxxx

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