HSV 2 recent diagnosis & Partner's Depression

[advice_seeker]

2017

May 1- I get an STD screening for all STIs including Hepatitis A B & C- all Negative. I have an IUD. I was feeling confident in no pregnancies or STIs

May 12- unprotected one night stand with a long time friend, lets call him JR.

May 13- I meet up with a man I haven't spoken to in years but was in town temporarily. We've always had a strong connection, we'll call him Stan. He and I have always had a fling, we always cared so deeply about each other

May 17- Stan and I have sex, unprotected for the first time with each other and it was absolutely magical. I had never felt so connected and secure.

May 20- I get sick, reallllllyyy sick. I'm in bed with 102 fever for about two days, it burned to pee, my body ached everywhere, and I had a swollen bump on my groin, which I now know was a lymph node, I felt miserable for about 4 days, I actually thought I had contracted an STI from Stan. So when I went to the doctors and she said I had a UTI I requested I also had some STI testing done and she sent me home with antibiotics & I thought nothing of it.

May 23- Phone call from Dr. Chlamydia and gonorrhea and white blood cell tests from visit were negative. didn't realize at the time that a simple blog test doesn't diagnose HSV1/2

May 25- Stan tells me he found a small bump on the base of his penis. He got it checked out his doctor said it looks like an ingrown hair but went ahead an test him for HSV2...

June 1- Stan calls to tell me he tested positive and was PISSED at me- he had been tested 3 months prior and was negative. I freaked out, called out of work went to the clinic to get tested.

 

Between the time of being tested and before I received my results. I spoke to JR- remember him? He apparently had been HSV2 positive for over a year and didn't tell me the night we had unprotected sex and didn't seem to have any plans to tell me at all. When I called him to tell him I had to be tested, his first line was "are you serious?" the told me about his diagnoses and said "so many people have it, you'll be fine" . I had never been so angry!! He knew! and he didn't tell me!!! He didn't allow me the choice and I infected someone else I cared so deeply about. All within three weeks I had contracted and transmitted the virus. The guilt, the self loath, the anger, the "how could I be so STUPID", hit me all at once. I acknowledge my faults in all this. I had just felt so confident about my tests from earlier in the month I felt unstoppable, and secure in my sexuality and judgment I didn't think this would ever become something I'd have to live with.

 

 

Stan had asked for his space the day after him being diagnosed. He didn't want to speak to me he pushed me away, which was his right. We still hadn't received my results but he and I knew that those days I was sick couldn't have just been a UTI. I never told him about my one night stand I had days before him.

 

 

June 5- I get a call from my doctor HSV2 positive.

 

 

Last night, June 11- I saw Stan I was able to tell him my results and he confessed to me since getting his results he's considered suicide and has been so depressed. And I feel like I need to do everything in my power to make him feel better. I have done so much research, I've seen studies on experimental drugs, on homeopathic remedies, I understand that the psychological effects of HSV 2 are more pressing than the couple annual physical ones I have come to terms a little better than him.

I apologized profusely I never would have put him at risk if I had known, and for some stupid reason I couldn't stop myself from crying as I apologized, I'm not usually a crier but knowing he's hurting so badly made me hurt worse than I already was. I know nothing I say or do will make him feel better. I have cut out JR completely since I called him. So I completely understand why Stan tried to do the same. But I can't stand back after what he told me he's going through. He said he talked himself out of it, but its still so pressing for me. He'll be leaving soon an I can't let him leave knowing what I know. He said he's scared no one will want him, that he won't be able to have children with out spreading the virus to his S.O.S. I did my best to assure him that someone will choose him over the virus and that there have been cases where couples can have relationships without transmitting and urged him to research. He's in the military, and his doctor has prescribed him with valtrex. Mine however told me it was unnecessary which is a separate concern. I don't know what to say or do to Stan. I'm grieving myself but all I want is for him to be better. To feel better. This is all so much. I don't know what to do or say. anymore.

 

 

[Sil88]

Hey, welcome to the forum. It's a common situation, I feel for you and Stan.. Recent infections are generally easier to pass on, so a lot of these events happen in a blur and you're left wondering wtf happened. So one positive to take from this is that you have clarity. I was kinda in Stan's position, and my giver supported me even though the diagnosis was new for her too - it did help, I also had thoughts of suicide (though I doubt I could've convinced myself to do it) I also had a lot of follow-up symptoms and issues which I later put down to anxiety from the whole episode. So anything you (and Stan) can do to relax is worth trying eg. hot baths, breathing exercises or being outside. Also make sure to remind yourself not to carry anger.. you for JR, and Stan for you and JR - it's done now, so keep moving forwards. Forget cures and remedies btw, most of the cures are bs or are decades away from release. As you said, the psychological impact is the bigger concern. I'm typing all this, but at the end of the day it's Stan's choice if he wants to accept your support or turn a new page.. it's understandable either way. One of Ghandi's quotes is: 'The best way to find yourself is to lose yourself in the service of others.' So you may get something out of it too.

[optimist]

Was Stan's test a swab test or a blood test? If a blood test, was it IgM or IgG? And was your blood test an IgM or IgG? And you had no swab test yourself?

 

If you both tested positive by IgG blood tests so soon after the two encounters you described, it seems unlikely either of you contracted it from those two encounters. It can take up to three months for antibodies to build to a level to be recognized by an IgG test. OTOH, if you were both tested by IgM, you should know that IgM test results are unreliable. I would absolutely not rely on IgM results for a diagnosis.

 

If Stan was positive by swab but negative by IgG blood test a few days after your encounter, I can see why he would assume he contracted it from you, assuming he had not had sex with anyone else during the six months encompassing the three month time period before his last test and the three month time period after testing but before your recent encounter (and also assuming his last STI tests included HSV testing which is uncommon). However, if he tested positive by IgG a few days after your encounter, I would assume he contracted it previously, not from your encounter.

 

In the end, it really doesn't matter where it came from. If you are a sexual being interacting with other sexual beings, it is quite common to contract it at some point. Not to say that your anger toward JR is not justified, regardless of whether he was the source of infection.

 

I also felt very depressed upon testing positive and found a lot of relief in talking to others about my feelings and educating myself about HSV. In this particular case, if Stan did contract it from you, or even if he mistakenly assumes this to be the case, you may not be the best person to provide comfort. Some people in Stan's situation would appreciate being in it together while others would want space, so I think you'll just have to be sensitive to those signals. But don't forget to take care of yourself in all this, too.

[Sil88]

Haha where'd you get Hank from? The plot thickens..

 

I meant to add, from someone who was in a pretty similar situation aa Stan, life is good again a couple of years later. We do blow it out of proportion at the time.

[optimist]

Oops. I meant Stan. I will correct that! Thanks, @Sil88.

[MsSweets]

I would like to know if it was a swab test or Igg as well. Your story is almost similar to mine except that I still don't know who my giver is. I was in a 6 year relationship then ex and I broke up for 3 months. During the 3 months I slept with a friend unprotected. My ex and I got back together and friend moved on, he's now living in California. Mine didn't happen soon but first OB almost 6-10 months later. I never had any symptoms of HSV in my entire life. Ex won't get tested and denies any symptoms. Friend we never talked again. I was devastated, didn't go to work, cried all the time. Till this day I'm still coping but it has gotten a little better. Takes time and you and him will go thru all the levels of emotions.

 

I have to keep reminding myself it doesn't change me as a person.

[MsSweets]

I have been thinking about seeing someone to talk to like a therapist. This might help Stan cope with the diagnosis and situation (and yourself).

[advice_seeker]

I've yet to have a visible outbreak, could have been I had one internally i guess. I only got really really sick, like the flu almost, just with burning pee, which is why my dr. Assumed it was a UTI my first visit. She only did a HSV blood test after my second visit when I told her Stan had it, but I have no idea if it was an LgG or LgM. It was an urgent care clinic. Im only in this state until July, so I don't have a steady physician, i Just go to a UTC when i need it. Stan however is in the military so I'm sure his care was a little better than mine, and between our small discussions, i THINK he got a swab test.

 

 

Medically I also have a concern with not being prescribed suppressants do I NEED them? Should I have them? Are there any studies on people who were on suppressants vs some that weren't?

 

@msSweets @optimist

[optimist]

@advice_seeker I would ask the clinic for a copy of the results so you can assess the following:

 

- IgM or IgG test. (If IgM, disregard results.)

 

- If IgG, what was the index value? (If above 3.5, this is considered definitively positive and it is very likely you've had it for longer than the short time between your encounter with JR and your positive blood test. If below 3.5 but in the "positive range," I would consider the possibility of a false positive, or a sign of building antibodies possibly from the JR encounter, and follow up with another IgG in a couple months or seek out a Western Blot.)

 

Stan is a different matter. Hard to say what's going on there. He may only be assuming he has been regularly tested for HSV when getting STI tests (many people make this false assumption), or he may actually be conscientious about regularly requesting HSV testing, but until you have the info listed above, you don't even know for sure that *you* are infected, so maybe you can deal with Stan and whether or not you need antivirals after you confirm your own diagnosis.

 

This whole scenario you've described is a great example of how HSV2 is typically spread. 80-90% of people don't notice upon contracting it, it can then unknowingly be spread to others with an 80-90% chance they won't notice either, but eventually someone in the chain gets symptoms and the search for the source begins.

 

 

[Sil88]

No, you dont need them unless you have continuous outbreaks or you want to half your chances of transmission.