Disclosure Anxiety

[Lollyann76]

Okay, y'all... I've posted before about getting more comfortable with disclosing and getting positive responses. The majority of the guys I disclosed to (with the exception of one) were guys that I wasn't emotionally invested/genuinely interested in. I suppose that made it much easier to deal with the possibility of rejection, because I'm now in a situation that's causing me serious anxiety. I hope some of you will read all of this and give me some feedback. I have a good female friend that I talk with about this, but she doesn't truly understand.

 

I met this man back in February. Very attractive man, very confident, hard worker, with the appearance that he has it all together. After texting with him for a couple of weeks, I realized I could actually like him, and ceased communication. I ghosted him. Since meeting him, I have done this several times, and each time he will get back in touch with me after a few weeks or a couple of months. This time, I have made more of an effort to stay in touch with him, even though I constantly tell myself all the reasons I should just cut ties with him. Reasons such as: He's only interested in sex, he works too much and that's a deal breaker, I can't be myself with him because he will see that I'm not up to his standards, he's too good for me, and the list goes on. The thing is, he has made it very clear that he's not only interested in sex. Yes, he works too much, but if he's willing and able to make time for me, I'm fine with that. We've not spent much time together, the bulk of our communication is through text, and this could be due to the fact that I don't express to him that I want to spend time with him, I want for us to get to know one another better. In a nutshell... I feel like a fraud. I feel as though I am presenting myself to him as someone that I'm not. I feel as though by letting him get to know the real me, before telling him I have herpes, that I am, in a sense, leading him on... So I've held back A LOT, and have been comfortable with the lack of in-person interaction. (He did come stay the night with me last Sunday, and I loved having that time with him, but I immediately felt the need to distance myself or completely cut ties after he left.)

 

I am fully aware that herpes does not define me, I am comfortable talking about it with a lot of people. But when it comes to someone that I am genuinely interested in, I am filled with fear. It's beginning to affect our interactions. I read too much into everything he says and does, I distance myself instead of telling him how I'm feeling, and I know it has to be confusing and frustrating for him. (I've been in his position, and I know it was confusing and frustrating for me!) I do like this man. I like his confidence (even though I sometimes tell myself that's a good reason to cut ties, he's TOO confident), he has a positive attitude, he's kind, and courteous, and chivalrous. The negative qualities I see aren't big disasters, yet I will focus on them looking for reasons to not pursue anything with him.

 

So yeah... this is what I'm currently dealing with. I like this guy, and I'm resisting the urge to run as fast and as far as I can, all because I don't want him to see me as "damaged goods". I've done this many times in the 3 and a half years that I've been divorced, and I don't want to continue doing it. I want to do things differently, but I am so freaking scared!!!

[RegularGuy]

Gather up your courage and your pride!

You have much to be proud of, I am sure. Everyone does!

Tell him with confidence, "I care about you, and I want you know that I have tested positive for herpes before we get physical."

The virus does not define you, and you have lots of good things to offer the right kind of person!

This is an opportunity to demonstrate honesty, integrity, and compassion for the person you care about!

[LittleStar]

First off-breathe! You’ve got this. You’re already completely aware of exactly what you’re doing, so now it’s just a case of going forward once you’ve made a decision.

 

Is the risk of him potentially responding poorly greater than the potential reward of receiving acceptance and getting to know this man on a deeper level? If you’ve answered no, which I would Sincerely hope you would!,, then swallow those nerves and show the world that you truly believe in Everything you have said about yourself.

 

I spent a year alone fearing letting anyone in. Until I met someone who showed me that I was not defined by herpes, nor should it even be considered a component of me! It took me a few weeks of getting to really know him and build trust before I bit the bullet, but he made himself vulnerable to me too, and that was hot. I daren’t think back to imagine a scenario where I would’ve wussed out. He’s the love of my life.

 

In the end, based on experience, I would advise anyone to pursue the potential of allowing someone amazing in to your life. Isn’t it better to know than to spend your precious time assuming or guessing? And hey, if he doesn’t respond the way you’d like, then you’ve lost

Nothing yet gained courage and experience for next time.

 

Don’t let fear rule your life!

Xoxo

[Lollyann76]

Thank you for the responses, @RegularGuy and @LittleStar. I had been seeing some red flags with this guy, but choosing to see the good in people, I gave him the benefit of the doubt. I did open up to him a little about other things after my post. Nothing too dramatic, just telling him some things that wouldn't make decent men run, and guess what...? He ghosted. Lol I gave him an out, and he took it. I'm thankful, because I now know he wasn't someone I would want to be completely vulnerable with. Thank you both again for the responses. I'm quickly learning that the intense anxiety I experience with some of these men isn't necessarily because of the possible disclosure. It's more my gut screaming that these are the wrong men for me.... :)

[20Plus]

He could have it... Id say at least half the men I dated said they have it too! Ive had it for 25 years.

 

We dont owe anyone all our secrets right away.

 

All my great loves in those years where non H men I never passed it to.

 

You are stressing yourself out, you may want to seek other help over this at this time, you have not come to terms with it yet because this is stressing you so much and youre hindering your life living in fear.

 

Just rip the band aid off and do it! :)

[Lollyann76]

@20Plus I posted a comment just before you. Having disclosed to many people, and not experiencing this anxiety, I had a feeling there were other reasons for it. It wasn't only disclosure that was causing the anxiety, it was the feeling that I couldn't be vulnerable with him at all. About anything. I couldn't be myself in any way. It was very stressful because I couldn't quite put my finger on it. I bit the bullet, opened up a little, and he's gone. I've had herpes for over 15 years. I've accepted it, and I'm not ashamed at all. But I also don't feel the need to shout it from the rooftops, or share the information with someone that can't handle a woman just barely opening up to him emotionally. ;)

[LittleStar]

Sounds like you have a very keen instinct for knowing when someone isn’t quite right and I salute you for being able to see that this guy wasn’t worth your time or vulnerability.

 

I’m sure that when someone comes along who is worthy of knowing everything about you, you won’t be wrought with anxiety; just the “normal” nerves that we experience with any kind of disclosure.

 

Funnily, I experienced something similar with a guy before I met my boyfriend. I went against my instinct because he “accepted” me but turns out he was a waste of time like I had initially felt he would be. Trust your gut! It knows stuff we don’t. (Although having anxiety can make it difficult to distinguish the two!)