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Don't let fear control your actions!

I can personally attest that telling a partner right away might cause a lot of anxiety on your part, but it builds a great deal of trust for the other person. They have a right to know that your symptoms could effect them, and they will not take it lightly if they are put off or worse, deceived.

There are a lot of stories regarding disclosure and the common denominator is fear.

Fear is a powerful motivator for everyone, but it is a terrible resource for making decisions.

Reading through the archive of threads on the subject, I see a theme:

Failure to disclose right away leads to heartache, emotional distress, and guilt.

From my personal experience, and others', disclosing right away leads to thoughful discussion, emotional empathy, and a much MUCH higher degree of acceptance.


So there is choice.


I was in a relatively new relationship when I first had symptoms of a UTI.

I told her right away, literally. She became immediately supportive.

When my symptoms progressed, and I had blisters, I called her and told her before I did anything else.

She reassured me that things weren't over, and we would talk about it after I saw a doctor.

When I was diagnosed, I called her and told her as soon as I left the doctor's office.

She again assured me that we would stick together, and that she would be there for me any time for support.

When I got depressed, I called her and she came to my rescue.

When I was angry, she calmed me and made sure I felt comforted.

When I struggled to get out of bed and carry on, she called me and promised that the day would be okay.


Disclose immediately, and be rightly afforded the opportunity to experience all of these things.

Fail to disclose, and receive none of them.


I am so glad that I choked back my fear, and that I chose to do the right thing.

Having talked to my girlfriend about it plenty over the past few months, I know she would have left me if I had tried to hide it. Even if I had abstained and waited for symptoms to clear, she would have become hurt that I ignored her and kept something secret (either about my view of her, or a fact about myself). She would have left without a second thought if I hadn't been completely honest and did so right away.


Fear of things ending would have ended things.


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Great post! I was also in a new relationship when I found out I had H2. We had already been intimate for 3 months and knowing each other 6. It was time for my annual physical so I asked for STD testing and that’s how I found out. Like you, I was very transparent about it all and he knew I was having my physical and requested the testing. When the nurse called with the news I reached out to him less than 30 mins later and told him. Unfortunately he wasn’t as supportive as your lady was but instead accusatory and downright mean. We haven’t talked since and at first I was devastated at the chain of events but much better almost 3 months later. He has no clue what type I have and I don’t even know if he went and got tested. He just apparently did a quick internet search and ran for the hills leaving me to handle this alone.


I 100% agree to always disclose as soon as possible like you and I did. As soon as I found out I told him. It never dawned on me NOT to say anything actually. We had plans to meet up the very next day and sex was definitely on the menu. Obviously that didn’t happen because I was honest and told. Had I went ahead and had sex then said something later I would have felt like shit. So because I said something right away I can move forward with a clear conscience knowing I wasn’t being deceitful and I did the right thing regardless of the outcome.

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I'm sorry it turned out that way!

There are a lot of ways a relationship can end, and none of them are easy, but that must have been extremely painful on top of the diagnosis.

Thank you for sharing your personal account, though. It stands as yet another harsh reality among many we face. Avoiding guilt, and knowing that you supported his right to choose is not insignificant, though. It's unfortunate the right thing is rarely the easy thing, but the right thing always gives some consolation. Let it be the fact that you haven't changed as a person, and that you did not condemn another human being to the temporary loss of identity, and shame that you felt. That malicious deceit never became an option. That is a rare thing to find, and there are many people who are searching for someone who simply won't choose to do them wrong on purpose.

Disclosure may have sent him packing as fear would convince any of us would happen. But he went of his own choice, knowing that he was not done searching for someone different from you, and knowing that he would not have stayed with you for long. As is the case, the risk for the partner rests in only their perceived options other than you.

Someone who accepts you will do so because they see a future with you, and won't intend to seek out anyone else. Realistically, is that not what we all hope for? Honesty. Not just in ourselves, but in our partners. That they won't waste our time while secretly hoping to meet someone 'better'.


I have been left for a myriad of reasons, my ambition to seek ever better employment, my refusal to be a footnote in someone else's day to day, my frequent gym habit, my need for time-consuming hobbies.

Herpes is unlike any of these. These were traits I had chosen to demonstrate and advertised directly in dating. Where herpes is something to be disclosed to someone you care about on some level, as a demonstration of integrity and out of respect for their right to consent. Effectively, it is a filter though. And there are personal account archived here of the realization that those who run were not really seeking someone with your personality traits anyway. It stops them from wasting your time with temporary games. Much more effectively than telling them you intend to keep going to the gym 3 times a week, whether they like it or not. There is no pretending there.

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Yes, I agree!! After reading so many posts of people who had sex several times over months/years knowing they have the virus but “forgot” because it’s a non issue for them always left me scratching my head. Forgot?? How?? It’s on my mind daily but maybe because it’s still new for me. People don’t disclose because they fear that person will respond like mine did. For the record he was saying I was the “one” prior to this but that was obviously not true. Most people hope for the response you received...someone that was understanding and supportive. I’ve had someone disclose to me years ago and I didn’t run...I listened and I saw his vulnerability. I appreciated his honesty and we are friends and H has nothing to do with it. Disclosure before intimacy is definitely the way to go!! You will sleep better knowing your conscience is clear. I’m happy things worked out in your favor. You have yourself a keeper!!

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Thanks for your perspective on the topic!

It's common knowledge that there are a lot of people who start a relationship with promises of the future "you're the one", "I can change", "You are perfect", "Nothing can come between us". Unfortunately, when a relationship begins with statements like that, you probably aren't the first person to hear that from them, and they probably don't mean it. Hell, I have had friends that I lived with for 2 years, and learned only after all that time that they were malicious liars and scheming crooks. Imagine what someone I have feelings for could get away with before I would catch on!

And many of them did get away with much before I faced reality and found myself a berated, insulted, unappreciated, heartbroken jerk. If I could have had all of those poor relationships end after stating, "I need hours at a time, most days of the week, outside of work to pursue my hobbies" lead them to an honest reply, "I need more attention than that, we aren't right for each other". Or better, "I am overly ambitious, and I will move across the country for a better job", and be told in honesty, "I want to live here my entire life, and will make it a daily mission to initiate arguments with you if we move anywhere else". I would have accepted that.

Are these things not as big an impact on lifestyle as herpes?

More so, I think.

Because I choose these traits, and will intentionally celebrate these qualities in myself. When these are absolute deal breakers, why do people react with patience, or worse, waste my time pretend to like these traits?

Years of potentially wonderful experiences in a relationship are wasted by those who cannot "cut and run" when they know the other can't be who they need.

But herpes is treated differently. It cuts through that cloud of dishonesty instantly.

Lies of "you are perfect", "you are the one", "nothing will come between us" are shattered by herpes disclosure like no other type of disclosure. Suddenly, your ambition, or hobbies, or music interests are put into a perspective they otherwise would not have been.


Is not just a opportunity to be cared for and accepted, it is a great shield in the aversion of those who spout ultimatums and empty promises of the future.


Years I wasted being fed lies about claims of being good enough when I was not. Before I had herpes.

Only after, and only when I disclosed with immediate honesty did I find someone who means what they say. And she never made promises for the future. She never claimed I was the one. She simply found someone who fit her image of a good match, then demonstrated her acceptance.

It is no coincidence.

There are many people who are tired of the lies and the empty promises. They will see a rare, genuine partner in a person who fits their idea of a good match, and what will matter more than a physical condition will be honesty and compassion. Even if all you're trying to do is get laid once. Because nothing kills libido like disgust for yourself or guilt or shame. And those emotions are all too familiar in our community.

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@RegularGuy it sounds like you are working through the whole thing with a lot of insight and clarity and I'm glad that you are not alone in your journey (none of us have to be anyway, as we have other other here for support and advice).


But I may I ask, having read through your posts, it sounds like you probably caught the virus from your girlfriend? Correct me if I am wrong, I am simply putting 2 and 2 together. If that's the case, then your girlfriend must be going through some stuff too if she didn't know she had it and has only just been diagnosed?

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That is a correct conclusion.

She turns out to be another of the many asymptomatic carriers, totally unaware, and very much let down by the medical community's failure to mention that they don't teat for everything when they tell you they are testing for everything.

She only learned about her condition a few weeks after I tested positive.

I didn't believe it at first, as I didn't believe it was possible not to have symptoms. Even when I learned that fact, I was very suspicious of her, knowing that she could have easily lied.

But deceit is always only defeated by time. And when it became clear that she was not being deceitful, my anger began to fade. After having spent a lot of hours on end rethinking her account of things and her coinciding actions, I realized she was absolutely unaware. We had the STD talk before we got intimate, and she had been honest. We also talked about genetic and personality disorders in ourselves and our families, and she was honest.

Then I read some of the personal accounts of people on this website who had experienced similar circumstances as my girlfriend, and I was sure. Things they said were some of the same things she said.

It's still a point of discussion for us occasionally, but I don't approach it with suspicion or anger like I did at first.


However, she did not choose to cut and run right away, before her diagnosis. When I saw myself as poisonous and miserable, she decided thar we would research transmission and treatment before she would make a decision to leave. We agreed to abstain until we both felt comfortable, however long it would take. Or if our relationship waivered, or we had fundamental misalignment in our relationship, we would part ways. Just not for fear alone. Maybe fear as well as informed decisions, but not out of pure fear.

She told me that I was not disgusting, and that she had shared the amazement and awe I had felt for her, before I was diagnosed. That she couldn't link my condition with my value as a human being naturally. It seemed like it would be a failure on both our parts if I were to break up out of shame and fear, or her to break up out of ignorance of the implications.

Only after we had decided all of these things did we receive her test results. And then saw that valacyclovir flys off pharmacy shelves so fast that orders must be picked up on the first week of delivery, or hear from separate doctors that the medical community does not test for herpes at all, unless specifically instructed to, or that asymptomatic carriers can be contagious without out break, or that support will come from already being good for one another and not superficially promised in an offhanded comment.


It was an absolute rollercoaster. I was sad, angry, ashamed, and embarrassed. And then she was too. But we didn't cling to each other as codependent in misery. We were right for each other first, and then strong for each other in need.

That sort of circumstances are only possible with an honest expression of needs and desires, as well as fair warning into pitfalls of personality or condition that will inevitably effect the other. This is universally true, herpes or not.

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I can imagine you'd go through some sort of turmoil when you find out in the way that you did, but it's great that you trust each other and are able to discuss things openly.


Just remember, that you are both equally responsible for your relationship and everything that it entails. I hope your partner is aware that she has a very intelligent and articulate man.


I wish you all the best mate!

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Thank you for the kind words!

It's certainly not all rainbows and roses, but when two people both put forth their best effort to be good for each other, well... Teamwork makes the dream work.

There are many people searching for just that. When they finally find it, being informed of potential risk of transmission, just like being informed of watching football two nights a week, or collecting cat figurines, will not simply not be a big deal. It will be a part of the total package that they care for and admire. It won't define you, it will just be a fact that exists.

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