Well...damn...

[ZoriahS]

Haven't been here in awhile. Mostly because I was feeling good about myself and H and hadn't faced any downturns since first dealing with my diagnosis. Plus the two men whom I'd been seeing responded positively to me having H and it was all sunshine and roses. Now...now I've decided to focus on finding that special man to be with me long term. Starting out pretty shaky. 0/2 in the Talk. As if my ego wasnt fragile enough. I know it's going to be some time before I find someone who will look past H and see me and want me. In the meantime I've been up front with potential dates about H because I don't want to become emotionally attached and invested than have him possibly reject me. Then repeat the process.

Dude. Herpes sucks.

[whiteshadowcgb]

Agreed

[mr_hopp]

I'm sorry you're feeling all that. Fragile. Feeling unseen. I feel sad hearing that from you. The truth is, you're still just as beautiful as you've ever been, whether or not someone else sees it. I'm most curious about how the talk has felt from your perspective. Can you describe how the talk went, blow-by-blow? How did you feel about yourself as you were disclosing, how did they react, how did their reaction impact you, etc.?

 

If you'd like, we can hop on Skype and do some practice disclosures. I'm like a heat-seeking missile when it comes to the disclosure talk. :) You'd be surprised where our own beliefs about ourselves come seeping out unconsciously in the disclosure conversation. It's an opportunity to accept yourself on a deeper level. I'd be happy to help.

[ZoriahS]

Oh gosh. You know Adrial, it's not the actual disclosure I have a problem with. I do it fast like ripping off a band aid. It's the fallout that I fear is just going to suck. And potentially hearing the words 'No' or 'Sorry' or 'Thats a deal breaker' over and over and over again....and keep on the process without wanting to give up and feeling good about myself still...that's the challenge I face.

[mr_hopp]

I hear you. And I still have a feeling that there's something in the disclosure that holds the thread that will unravel this. Trust me on this one. It's in the disclosure where how we feel about ourselves is underlined. Because if you already feel good about yourself regardless of how someone else reacts, you will still feel good about yourself afterwards, too. That's why disclosure is such a lynchpin in all of this, it points where our growth points still are. It's a tool for self-understanding.

[ZoriahS]

Hm. I hadn't thought of it that way. Like I stated in the first post I disclose very early on before I get emotionally invested but after introductions and a few exchanges. It usually goes something like "There's something important you should know before we continue and it may change your mind about me. I have herpes. For some that might be a deal breaker and if it is for you there's no hard feelings."

Except there will be hard feelings on my part. But what am I going to do? Make them feel bad for not wanting to deal? And I wonder if I should delay in disclosing but I feel like I'd be hiding it.

[mr_hopp]

Again, I'm less interested in the actual words you use and more interested in the FEELINGS you have as you're disclosing. Most of our communication is nonverbal. How we feel about ourselves and how we feel about having herpes is transmitted in the disclosure conversation more than the actual words are.

 

And oh Zoriah, no no no, you don't make them feel bad about not wanting to deal. :) Their thoughts, feelings and reactions are theirs to have. Don't manage their experience at all. Don't you see that this is less about THEM and more about YOU? ;)

 

Example: How would you react to a guy who was interested in you and A) was super negative about himself, wasn't confident at all, couldn't even make eye contact with you because he was so self-judgmental vs B) a guy who is clearly solid in who he is, is positive and clear and looks you right in the eyes with an unwavering gaze without an ounce of self-judgment. Which one would you be more drawn to? And if you were to reject both of them, how would guy B take it? I imagine he'd take it in stride; yes, he's disappointed, but you rejecting him isn't the end of his world. He knows he's enough. Your opinion of him doesn't change his own opinion of himself. Point is: Self-acceptance is sexy. And it's a better muscle to practice building than any words you'll ever use.

 

And this isn't to say that it's all up to how you feel about yourself to determine 100% how the other person will react, but it does have a large part to play. And yes, maybe the other person, regardless of you, still believes all the herpes hype and is stigmatized. How to deal with that? The French said it best: C'est la vie. Move on. Live your life. There are plenty of guys who will see you and recognize you as someone they want to be with regardless of a little skin condition.

 

Hence why I offered to help you out by doing a disclosure role play. My treat. It'll take about 20 minutes via Skype, and I'll give you straightup feedback throughout that will point to your growth edge.

[ZoriahS]

Alright Tenacious D...lol...I have to admit I go into with the expectation of being rejected. And I suppose I haven't entirely accepted this condition and embraced it fully as a part of my life and myself. I'd like to skip ahead to where my attitude has evolved into "Hey - I have herpes. Take it or leave it, I'll be ok." And KNOW I'll be ok.

[WhoopsiDaysi]

Adrial, just throwing it out there - if you were interested in doing a Skype role play on what that might look like I probably know someone who would be willing to help you out. :) For some of us, it is more helpful to actually see what something like that might look and sound like rather than reading it. As you say, it's the nonverbals that speak far louder than words and that's not something you can put into words on a piece of paper.

[mr_hopp]

Z - As you've gathered by now, there is no skipping ahead. And that in itself is actually a great thing! That's the good news! It allows us to grow into who we truly are. I know that must sound crazy poetic and overly dramatic, especially considering that the topic here is a simple skin condition on our hoo-hahs. ;) But it's so true. The only way to get there is through. Embrace it.