who's gonna want me now with herpes?

[Myo]

thanks man ......my wife left me for another man and left me a gift...just confirmed with my doctor today..... herpes positive .....I wonder about my future now and what woman would accept this about me......watching your video on "the dreaded herpes talk" really helped but I'm still feeling super lost.....

[mr_hopp]

Myo, bro ... I'm glad you got something from the herpes talk video. And I totally understand that lost feeling. You're not alone in that. I felt lost for a long time with herpes. Then I realized there was a lot that I was using herpes as an excuse for (not saying you're doing that now, just be aware of the potential for that.)

 

I appreciate you reaching out. I just want to give you a big man hug and tell you it'll be okay ... because it will ... So much must be rushing through your head and heart and guts right now ... be good to yourself during this process. Because it's just that: A process. And a lot of us want to hole up in our bat cave waiting for the shitstorm to pass by ... but sometimes the most powerful thing is to reach out (which you did, which is a huge step, so frickin' bravo for that) ... and allow yourself to feel what you need to feel. The good, the bad, the ugly. It's all part of the healing process.

 

And about the whole "who will want me now" ... recognize that ultimately it is just a simple virus. Somehow our society has cast a pretty wide net around this herpes thing being a big scary monster. And for the most part that monster is between our ears ... and it gets pretty loud if we let it. Someone will want you. Why? How? Because you're NOT herpes. Because you're YOU. So don't let herpes overshadow that. Learn to love yourself more deeply and others will love that deep part of you, too. Try it out and let me know how it goes, bro.

[Lisa]

Gosh – I totally agree – but… it’s hard to get where you are! Your right, though – you snap out of it and have to dig deeper within yourself…. it makes you a stronger person for sure. I wonder how can you stay in that happy place and move forward by not taking a few steps back?

[mr_hopp]

Lisa, I don't think we can expect to never again take a few steps back in any place in our life. But as far as I see it, we can be more aware of those areas that we do step back and get curious about what we can learn from the setbacks ... then we can be intentional about why we're moving forward in the first place, why it's important, and who we are on a deeper level. After all (cliché alert!), we can't have happiness without knowing sadness, we can't know light without darkness and we can't know the beauty of taking steps forward without accepting that we'll occasionally take a few steps back.

[rinapink76]

Listen, always use protection when in time you both get tested and exchange test results then talk about it maybe you find out your new partner is worse off than you or they love you so much by then it won't matter! If anything, they will appreciate and love you more for keeping up protection and continuing to use it. If they leave you, they never really cared and if you had something more serious then u know now you could never count on them ... being with someone special shouldn't be about not getting sick ... much love

[AR77]

I am in the situation.  I found out I had herpes about 6 years ago.  I had met this great guy and then 6 mths later I got really sick with a bad flu.  Went to the doctor and they confirmed it was herpes.  I had to go and tell him, he was like "meh", which made me wonder if he gave it to me without telling me and made me feel like I gave it to him. Anyways, we stayed together, mainly because we had herpes and didn't think we'd ever find anyone else.  It was a very trapped feeling.  We've recently separated and he has a new woman, whom he met on a herpes dating site.  I am now feeling very down because I don't think i'll ever find anyone who will accept me for who I am, herpes and all.  We live in a small town so disclosing is not something that I want to do, and it makes it hard to find someone.

[mr_hopp]

Hey aprilrae,

 

I'm sorry to hear that. Your ex sounds like the epitome of insensitive. I have seen that tendency to be trapped — to stay in the wrong relationship because herpes was accepted. But when a relationship is just wrong, whether or not herpes is involved, it's wrong. I've also seen relationships where the non-herpes partner manipulates the herpes partner, using the fact that they're "taking a chance of getting herpes" as blackmail to keep the person in the relationship. This clearly shows the kind of person they are, and no amount of herpes acceptance can cover that up. I'm glad you got out of that relationship based on how you describe this guy.

 

But I do understand how you see it now. You feel like you can't even date because it might get out that you have herpes in a small town where everyone knows one another? Well, keep in mind that disclosing that you have herpes is something that you do when you feel trusting of your potential partner. If you go on a few (non-sexual) dates or even a few dozen and don't get that feeling that they are worth you being vulnerable with, then you don't disclose and break it off. Disclosure is a decision you make when you feel it is right. Disclosure happens when you have that feeling that they can look past herpes and see you for the awesomely beautiful person you are.