Newly Diagnosed and need guidance

[andrea24]

Hey y'all, I am new to this site due to my recent diagnosis. I knew something was wrong about 2 weeks ago when I started getting bumps on my labia, at first I thought they were ingrowns because of my recent (almost 3 week old) Brazilian wax I had.  Well point being I knew this wasn't normal and got tested, my dr. assured me that it wasn't herpes because she said mine didn't look like it and she even mentioned that first outbreaks are horrible so  she was "so positive" that it wasn't that. My first outbreak was more inconvenient than anything, slightly itchy, only pain when accidentally scratched nothing too bad so I believed her. My partner and I have been together for about a year and a half, and we've had an open relationship for about 4 months of that time, he hasn't slept with anyone while I have, used condom all the time during open relationship. I don't know if my partner was the one with herpes or if I'm the one that brought it on, its just weird that I just recently had my outbreak when him and I have been monogamous since January. He knows about the diagnosis and he just wants me to not feel like trash, and get on medicine so i can feel better.. My only concern is how effective is suppressive therapy? Is it like with HIV that they have undetectable = untransmittable? My dr was NO help! they even thought they had already given me meds when they hadn't, and when I was asking questions (over the phone I may add because apparently giving that info is no big deal) she made it seem like I didn't have to worry about my diagnosis after the physical symptoms went away. I had to do some digging and find out that you can still shed the virus. I just need help because IF my partner doesn't have herpes for some reason, I want to keep him safe. Those with experience, can you help out? Should he get tested as well? He has no physical symptoms (so far). Can we still have oral sex without using a dental dam? I just dont know where to go from here... 

[Ishmael]

Hi Andrea! Yes you can still transmit herpes while wearing a condom and taking meds, even while you don't have an outbreak. Here's the deal. A couple where the female is HSV+ and the male is HSV- have a 5% (or so) chance of exchanging the virus over a 1 year period of "regular sex". What is regular sex? It's not really clear, but the average couple has sex roughly between once a week and once a month (your mileage may vary, particularly if you're in a new relationship). This is without using condoms and without using antivirals BUT making sure not to have sex during an OB (outbreak). You can still transmit herpes when you don't have an outbreak though, which is where that 5% comes from.

If you use condoms every time you have sex, you can cut that 5% in half. If you use antivirals on a daily basis, you can cut that in half again. That gets you down to about 1% a year chance of transmitting during "regular sex". 

If you go here: https://herpesopportunity.com/free-ebook-signup.html?sc=welcomepage

You can get a handout that charts out the numbers for you and your partner. He should get a blood test as well, an IGG not an IGM.

Also, sidenote, it's not even remotely weird that you are having your first outbreak despite the fact that you've both been monogomous since January. It could have happened five years from now as well. Or 10. Or 20. That happens.