My life feels over before it's begun...

[22&Depressed]

I don't even know where to start. My life feels so destroyed and I've cried more in the last 3 days than I ever have in my whole life.

About a week ago, I started feeling pain in my anus. It felt like I really needed to go to the bathroom. When I did, it didn't hurt but I didn't feel "completely empty" afterwards. This lasted a few days. In my head, I thought it was probably an anal fissure or a hemorrhoid...or maybe some STD but nothing serious. I went across the street to my usual walk in clinic, but they were closed until Tuesday. A few days later, on the Sunday night, I was taking a shower. As I was washing my bum, I felt a few bumps right next to my anus. I freaked out. I had considered maybe my pain was from syphilis, ghonorea, chlamydia, etc. but after feeling those bumps, a light switch went off in my head: this is herpes. I hadn't even considered herpes! Mainly because no ones ever brought it up before! I thought syphilis, ghonorea and chlamydia (and HIV) were the only real STD's out there. I mean, of course I knew what genital herpes was but nothing really about it. Plus, I've only had sex with one person and it was my boyfriend of nearly a year and we wore condoms every single time (I am a gay man ps).

I went on the internet to desperately search for what else could be causing these bumps but all signs pointed to herpes. I couldn't sleep that night and I definitely couldn't wait until Tuesday to go to my clinic. Monday mid-day after work, I rushed to a sexual health clinic that I've gone to before. I turned onto my side and right upon looking at it, she said "I think this is probably herpes". I started bawling my eyes out uncontrollably. She did a culture swab on the blisters and started telling me about future outbreaks, etc. I asked her if it could possibly be anything else as it wouldn't have been from sex but it could've been from a rim job I received the week prior. She said theres a 10% chance that it was a bacterial infection seeing as this man had a scruffy beard. My symptoms didn't look like what you see online, but then again, they never do. I had 3 small blisters on one side of my anus and one single one on the other side. I came home from the clinic and continued to bawl my eyes out. Even without having definite results, I knew in my gut that this was it. I must admit that I started typing out suicide letters because I couldn't see the light at the end of the tunnel.

The next day was Tuesday (2 days ago) and I went to my walk in clinic. I saw my doctor and he said "this doesn't look like herpes but more of a bacterial infection". The lady the day before had popped the blisters when doing the culture swab so I think it probably looked better than it had initially. But he said he could see where the blisters was and having inspected other herpes cases, this didn't seem like a herpes outbreak. That provided me a moment of relief but again, my gut was (and still is) telling me otherwise. It's telling me to be realistic about the chances.

Yesterday, I went for my blood test. Those results will be in in about a week. But I know they don't really matter once I get the culture swab results which are more so definite.

Although results haven't been confirmed yet, I want to describe my symptoms so if someone is unsure and reading this they know what to possibly look out for.

I had pain in my anus for a few days. No redness, no itching whatsoever. I had 3 little bumps (spread apart, not in a cluster and not tiny little blisters) on one side of my anus, and a single one on the other side. I had no flu like symptoms at all. No fever, no real aching (not that I could distinguish from the emotional and mental exhaust I was causing myself from all of this). I peed just fine with no pain. The sores didn't sting. Even when they were swabbed and she told me "this is going to hurt", I barely felt a thing. She told me this was a good sign but lets be real... Today, my bumps are gone. Theres no trace of them. They did not turn into ulcers or crust over...they just disappeared. So my symptoms are weird. This could be because maybe its not herpes (*denial*) or because symptoms are DIFFERENT FOR EVERYBODY. So the second you notice something strange/blisters, that is your best chance at getting definite results.

I thought I was being SO SAFE. I have dated people before my ex (the only man I've ever slept with and always with protection) and I still didn't have sex with them. I made all of them get tested before becoming intimate with them in anyway. I had NO CLUE that you could get herpes from oral which is the only possible way I could've gotten it. They don't teach you these things unless you do your own research. They don't even test for these things...and all those times I got the "full" STD panel check. I can't even be furious at this guy who I suppose I got it from. For starters, I barely knew him (I'm an idiot) but I trusted him and couldn't see any visible sores...here I was thinking I was so safe because I said I couldn't give him oral because theres a VERY SLIM chance I could get HIV from his pre-cum so we couldn't only make out and he could give me a rim job...meanwhile, the he obviously had the virus orally and transferred it to my anus. I would've been better off just performing oral on him. Go figure.

I don't know what to do. Waiting for these results is killing me. I can barely sleep through the night. I wake up periodically and just think "I have genital herpes" and my heart starts racing. It goes from 0 to 100 in a matter of seconds of opening my eyes. Then I cry myself back to sleep and have it happen all over again 20 minutes later. I'm beyond depressed. I was already feeling depressed from other things my life and then this had to happen. I see no point in living anymore. If I wasn't so nervous to leave my mother behind mourning my loss, I would go sleep on the subway tracks. But I can't do that to her. The thought of recurrent outbreaks, etc. is traumatizing. Right now, I never want to date again. I had such a vision for my future - marriage, children, building a home, etc. and now it's all gone. All of it. I'm trying to now re-strategize a life plan that looks something like: be alone forever, lose your ambition and get a comfortable job that won't bring about much stress, get used to solitude and many lonely nights. I know this sounds very dramatic but I can't see another way to cope with this. The worst part about this is how much this scare has made me realize I miss my ex. I think about my life 2 months ago with him and how happy I was and how I envisioned our future. When we broke up, I was more so convinced it was a "break"...now what? How could I ever ask to get back together and say "and by the way, in the 2 months that we've been apart I contracted genital herpes that's really going to affect our sex lives forever. Still love me?" I could never now. That dream is gone. Along with most of my other ones.

Im sorry for the rant and quite frankly, I don't know what type of responses I'm looking for on here. I just need support and love, I guess I feel this is the only place I'll get that from from this point forward.

[LotusBud]

 As someone who could be your mother and been living with HSV2 for 4 years, I want to encourage you to have and feel your feels. (I feel like I'm writing to my 26 yo daughter btw. She's often wiser than me so I know you have your inner wisdom too. ) I also want you to realize that your thoughts come before and cause your feelings. You have total control of your thoughts!

Right now, you are thinking the most awful thoughts, imagining the most awful things and having the most awful feelings. It's part of the process and you will come out the other side. You can speed it up by catching yourself whenever your thoughts turn toward the negative. You'll know you're going there because you'll start to feel bad. (Okay, sometimes it's too fast and you're already in the shit.) You don't have to do anything with those thoughts, just notice and acknowledge. That's a hard-learned life lesson right there lol; applies to pretty much everything not just the possibility of H.

I notice that in reaching out with this post, you also gave helpful information based on your experience. I appreciate that and am sure it will help someone who's in the same boat. Keep reaching out, you never know who will catch your hand as their lifeline.

After 4 yrs with H, I had to disclose for the first time about a month ago!     My partner of 16 years gave me H in our 13th year. He'd had it for 30+ years, but been asymptomatic for so long that he kinda forgot. (Dickhead.) He passed away unexpectedly a year and a half ago and I finally felt ready to look and see what's out there. Met a guy 16 years younger and I could see it would get hot and heavy fast if I let it. After a couple of dates w/o exchange of genital fluids (sounds ew), I let him know I had H via text. A bit chicken shit, I know, but I had no attachment to the guy and wasn't even sure I liked him that much. Good practice in any case. He's like, "okay, no sex, but we can still hang out." Lol. Read that as "you can give me hand jobs."   In my head, I'm thinking, "so what's in this for me?"

That's when the little bell went off. H can act as a filter-- if he truly cares then H won't scare him off. If he's not worth it, then H will help prevent me from getting emotionally invested in someone who can't see me and can only see a controllable skin condition.

I know your life had been full of challenges especially as a gay man. If it turns out that you are positive for H, it is simply another challenge on the way to your dreams. It does NOT blow them to shit.  You got this. Don't let a tiny virus..or anything for that matter, put out your light! Just keep shining and doing you!

Bon chance!

[22&Depressed]

@LotusBud thank you for reaching out. I think I do just need words of encouragement right now. I’m so confused and anxious, it’s making me sick. My biggest take away from all of this regardless of my results is that people need to be better informed about herpes, transmission and catching symptoms. And testing!!! The testing system for herpes in place right now is bull shit.

[LotusBud]

Agreed on all points!

I was lucky to get a swab for testing at Planned Parenthood. (They were great btw) But I read online and on these forums how the tests are not very reliable. Do you have a new mission in life now?😉

[22&Depressed]

@LotusBud trying to find one but right now it just seems like a never ending dark tunnel

[LotusBud]

@22 (Sorry, I'm not going to use the full username. Don't believe in reinforcing that kind of thing)

Have you sought out counseling for depression..apart from the possible H infection? When my daughter was going thru a rough patch (withdrawal from E which made her depressed, anxious and crazy when she was around 1😎 she said she really liked having a counselor/psychologist to talk with and to learn some techniques  for dealing with life's ups and downs. (Tip: see counselor/psychologist first. Only see a psychiatrist if referred by psychologist. A psychiatrist is a medical doctor specializing in psych issues and can prescribe meds. It's been my experience (thru my work) that the first thing they do is write a prescription...and then another. It's like they experiment with the meds and hope that one or a combo will work, all while messing with a person's brain chemistry. There's a place for it, but try everything else first. My 2 cents on that.)

There are some free sources for counseling, but you gotta search. You could try a suicide prevention hotline for a referral or even just someone to talk with when you feel low.

If you don't want to go that route, I've read and seen that exercise and being out in nature can have as beneficial an effect as the meds. At least it will give you something to do and help take your mind off of waiting for the test results. You might get all buff and attract a new friend. 

My kid says I give good advice even tho she didn't listen to it at the time. She said the psychologist basically told her the same things. I guess it's easier to take when it's not your mom 😃 I really feel for you and your situation. I think all of us on this forum can relate on some level or other. I'm very practical and solution - oriented which may not be what you are wanting/ needing right now. I'm sending you a big virtual hug. Maybe go hug your own mom (for 20 seconds for the oxytocin effect). Can't hurt, might help. 🌻

[22&Depressed]

@LotusBud thanks for the advice 🙂 I probably should start counselling, for other things in my life. If this turns out to be what I think it is, it will probably throw me into a deeper spiral than it already has and at that point I will definitely need to speak to a professional. Im trying to have high spirits but my anxiety is getting the best of me. From the second I wake up, I feel sick in my stomach and my heart is racing.

[22&Depressed]

I'm just going to use this post as a place to vent too. I can't stop thinking about my ex boyfriend. And how badly I've now screwed things up. We could have had an incredible life together, but there is literally no way of going back from this. I think to 2 months ago when we were together and on vacation and how we didn't have a care in the world. And now that I've come to realize he's the best thing that will happen to me, its too late. He'll never take me back. I feel like damaged goods and he's way too good for me. I think back to 5 months ago when I was on vacation with my family, and we were texting about how badly we wanted to be with each other. And now I'll never experience that again. Not with him or anyone. Because I feel like even if I find someone who will accept this, there will never be this lust for sex anymore. Now it'll just be a chore we do every so often - when I'm not having an outbreak or feeling insecure about it. I can't believe that this is happening to me. I feel this is generally the emotion most people have, but really truly, how is that happening to me? I keep thinking about the day before I believe I could've gotten this. I wish I could go back to that day. I wish I could go back a year from now. And make so much smarter decisions. I guess now all I can wish for is a chance at a happy future now. Whatever that entails. Before it entailed marriage and kids and now I just can't ever see that happening. I hope this is a feeling that will go away.

[22&Depressed]

Another day down...I haven't gotten results yet, but I know what they're going to be. Im trying to convince myself that they would've called me after 2 or 3 days so I should become more optimistic...I know thats not the case. My mom keeps telling me to stay in high spirits but when I try, I get distracted and end up back on google. I don't know how I'm going to cope when I get that phone call. I've almost come to accept that I have this - my daily cry sessions are diminishing: they've gone from about 10 times a day to 2 or 3. I don't know how much I have left in me.

I can't stop thinking about my ex. For context, he lives far away. I was there visiting him at the beginning of the Summer and for the most part, it was bliss. I just keep running through everything we did together: nights of just cuddling and watching movies, going for dinners, being with his family...and now I'll never have that again with him, or (in my current state with how I feel) with anyone for that matter. I don't know how I got to this point in life - I'm devastated.

If I'm not thinking about my ex, I'm thinking back to a year or 2 ago and how badly I wish I could go back in time, knowing what I know now. I know its not helpful or productive but I feel like theres this line in the sand now of my old life and my life now. And I'm scared I won't ever be the same.

Even if I come to accept this, I will always have that anxiety/insecurity in the back of my head about it. Even if someone tells me they accept it, I will still wonder "do they really?" and be insecure before being sexual in the slightest. I can't look at myself in the mirror. I can't look at myself naked. I used to love my body...now I'm ashamed and depressed looking at it, feeling like its "tainted".

Anyways, this was my vent of the day. Time to go back to thinking about my life from here on forward and how much I've tarnished my future over a 30 minute hook up. I sincerely hope the rest of you have an amazing day ❤️ 

[Ishmael]

You know that literally millions of people have this condition right? Do you think we're all just isolated loners who can't find love? If not, why do you think you're going to be the exception? It's normal, and perfectly okay, to go through a period of being extremely upset, but over time two things are going to happen. 1.) You're going to realize that, physically, herpes amounts to an inconvenience. Perhaps a painful and irritating inconvenience, but an inconvenience nevertheless. That's it. 2.) You're going to find that many people are a lot more understanding  than you imagine and that this diagnosis isn't going to make you a sexual leper. Look at how many people on this website say that years later it's not that big a deal. See anyone still rolling around in grief or coming here years after their diagnosis and saying that, yes, their lives really are over? Fuck no you do not.

But let's be real for a second: herpes CAN seriously mess up your life. It can make it so that you spend the rest of your life alone and wallowing in self-loathing. Like, that's a real potential outcome... if you choose it. Maybe not today, and maybe not tomorrow, but one day you're going to have to make a choice to start the process of accepting your diagnosis (if you are positive) and coming to terms with it. That means accepting that you are not gross or tainted, and that means realizing that you are worthy of being loved and desired by someone you love and desire. Again, literally millions of people that have herpes have gone on this journey. And when you reach that point, not only will your current state of despair seem a bit naive to you in retrospect, but you'll realize that your relationships are stronger and your sense of self is stronger because of how you've reckoned with your condition. But starting that journey means going some distance to putting aside a pattern of thinking only of the worst case scenarios and striving toward what you deserve. That doesn't have to happen over night, and it won't, but how you feel now is not going to be how you feel a year from now. 

RIght now, you're putting your relationship with your ex on a pedestal. If things were as ideal as you remember, then why were the two of you on a break? If he is someone who truly values and loves you in a way that you think you'll never find again, why is a herpes diagnosis, something that is basically a minor skin condition, something that would destroy that love? What drew him to you in the first place? What is it about you that people love? Is that gone because you have herpes? Whatever your answers here are, your relationship with him was not perfect; no relationship is. And the truth is, one day when you're with someone who loves you in your totality, you're going to look back on him and wonder what the fuss was all about. You're 22? Dude, your life isn't over, it's just starting, and if you open yourself up to it, it's going to be a life filled with meaningful relationships, just like it is for millions of other people living with this condition. So sure, cry your eyes out. It's okay. But don't get trapped into thinking that you're going to spend the rest of your life in the throes of desperation that come from the initial diagnosis. That isn't real. 

[22&Depressed]

@Ishmael thank you for the response. Still awaiting results but am trying to come to terms with it so I don't get my hopes up and then am re-let down when I receive the news. Right now, everything seems fuzzy to me and I cant think straight. I keep reading others' testimonials about how it didn't hinder their life after, etc. and Im trying really hard to be optimistic. Right now, its really hard to do but I hope in time I'll come around. Thanks for the tough love.

[kinator]

Hey. Well. Im so sorry your feeling this way. I did in the beginning aswell. But i promise, things get better! 

I realised being stressed and down only seems to make things darker in the end.  So take a nice warm bath and relax 🙂

I know its hard. But youve come to the best place to be. Your not alone in this. And you wont ever be. 

Its been 8 months since my diagnosis.  And i can say that things do get so much better.  Theres so many things you can do. It doesnt change anything about you. Youre still an amazing person. 

When the results come in, dont panic, give it time. 

 

To someone you're worth the risk.  You may not know them yet. Or maybe you do. But to someone you're worth the risk.   

So dont give up.  If you ever need to talk im here. 

[22&Depressed]

@kinator thank, I hope thats the case for me. How have the last 8 months been in terms of outbreaks? What should I mentally prepare for?

[Ishmael]

14 hours ago, 22&Depressed said:

@Ishmael thank you for the response. Still awaiting results but am trying to come to terms with it so I don't get my hopes up and then am re-let down when I receive the news. Right now, everything seems fuzzy to me and I cant think straight. I keep reading others' testimonials about how it didn't hinder their life after, etc. and Im trying really hard to be optimistic. Right now, its really hard to do but I hope in time I'll come around. Thanks for the tough love.

It's okay to feel crushed and I'm not saying you shouldn't feel all those feels, but when I read things like "I see no point in living anymore" I think it's important to reassert some perspective back into the equation. I hope your tests come back negative, and if they do, try to remember what you've learned about herpes from this experience so you can help combat the stigma for the rest of us. If they come back positive, then be upset, but also remember that it doesn't mean living and dying alone. Good luck!

[22&Depressed]

HSV1. Any pointers or facts I should know about? 😞 

[Stupida]

@22&Depressed How were you diagnosed? swab or blood?

[22&Depressed]

@Stupida swab

[Ishmael]

2 hours ago, 22&Depressed said:

HSV1. Any pointers or facts I should know about? 😞 

I responded in your other thread.