Discouraged

[Lilly82]

Hi everyone.  I haven't been on the site for a while, but wanted to get a little bit of support/thoughts.  

I've had HSV2 for about 4 years now, and single/dating with it for about 1.5 years.  The guys that I have told in the last year and a half, have not taken it well, and I'm really starting to get down on myself.

I'm talking to someone now and we are going out on a date soon, but part of me is holding back, and I'm scared of liking him because I just know this conversation will have to come up eventually if we hit it off.  I get scared now to like anyone, to avoid feeling like I have being rejected.

I don't know how to remain hopeful, only to be let down most of the time.  

[Ishmael]

Hi Lilly,

Why don't you walk us through how you go about disclosing and maybe then we can provide better feedback in light of that. One thing to avoid is making it seem like a big deal, or like something you are ashamed about, disgusted by, or otherwise upset about. People you disclose to are going to kind of follow your lead on that front. Also, check out this woman's method: 

You don't need to use a text to do it, but what I like about her style is that it's straight forward and devoid of shame or embarrassment. 

Having a short script, and some information about how using condoms and antivirals puts the rate of transmission at 1% per year of regular intercourse, might be helpful.

[Lilly82]

Thanks for your response Ishmael! 

So far, I have had to disclose to 3 or 4 men and each time, I don't think that I have  told them in the best way.  Every time I start to tell them, and tell my story I start crying, because I feel so ashamed of it, and am scared they are going to not react very well.

My previous thoughts were that it was ok to cry and get emotional about it because it's real.  But now I am beginning to realize that I need to be more confident in my disclosure.  I guess the more confident I am about disclosing, the better chances are of someone being accepting of it.  

[LoveTheMountains]

Hi Lilly82,My advice is definitely to get a handle on how you disclose AND get to a place of acceptance of yourself; really understand how awesome you are regardless of how a person feels about herpes. Its so important.  I'm pasting some text from an old post by another member, it was titled something like "successful disclosures female to male" by "optimist". You might want to find that post (sorry I don't know how to make a link to it here).  In the thread several of us discuss our history of disclosures.  The reason I'm pasting mine below is because I want you to see the "evolution" of my disclosures and how important it was for me to truly accept myself!  Yes, in general most were "successful" in that no one reacted badly but that doesnt' mean my own head was in a good place during many of these heredisclosures.  It took me about a decade to get to where I am now w Hope this  helps y

From other posting:

"Just found this older posting and trying to get more proactive and involved in the forums (its therapeutic for me right now lol!) Thought I'd add a list of my disclosure experiences over the years. I've had this a long time but was in a relationship soon after from about age 19 to 27 so I didn't get to start having the talk till then. (I got it back before there was any good info online- heck I looked it up in an encyclopedia when I got it and that little paragraph was the extent of my knowledge for years).

This isn't all disclosures but the most significant ones:

1) I was 28. Told the guy on the phone after we had started dating and things were getting serious. I was a tearful emotional mess. He was verbally very comforting and accepting. The next day he invited me over and just held me all day. So that was good. However down the road he proved to be kinda a jerk; cut himself off emotionally but wanted lots of booty calls and I ended it. But I'm thankful for his initial comforting reaction. It helped pave the way forward

2) Age 30 Was not a crying mess but had a very hard time getting the words out so he finally interrupted with "I know what you're going to say; its not you its me...I get it you are not as into me as I am into you...its okay". I burst out laughing and then was like "umm no I have herpes". He was relieved! Accepting. We dated a few months. He was never quite comfortable with sex and that did hurt a lot, plus there were other things I didn't like about his personality so I was relieved when our work took us separate places.

3) Age 31 Disclosed calmly for the first time. Inside I was a wreck because I was totally falling in love with this guy and terrified of rejection. He interpreted my disclosure as me trying to end the budding relationship and he got choked up. When I explained otherwise he was relieved and said he totally wants to be together. I made him wait a few weeks just to make sure. Relationship lasts 4 years.

4) Age 37 This was tricky b/c we met in the state I was living and he was stationed 3000 miles away. He flew me out to see him again. I was not comfortable with disclosing by phone but felt super guilty that he flew me out and that he might be mad at "wasting" a plane ticket once he found out. At the end of a great 1st day back together I sat him down with a "I need to tell you something". His face dropped and his response was "you don't want to see me anymore do you?" After disclosing he too was relieved and we moved forward with a relationship for a while.

5) Age 38 After a month of dating this guy I sat down to have the talk. He was very relieved; he thought I was going to say I was married (apparently this happened to him once). He was thoughtful about the HSV discussion then said it didn't change his feelings. Next day told me he loved me. We waited a month to have sex. Got engaged a year later. Unfortunately once we got engaged he let loose with all his really bad qualities : ( and I finally had to walk away.

6) Age 40, last week, hit it off with a handsome guy hiding out at a ski resort on Valentines Day like me. For the first time EVER I felt confident and happy to disclose with very little care about the outcome's effect on me. He was blown away and kept commenting on how "amazing, cool, awesome" I am. And how "this feels so real and wonderful to sit here talking to you like this". And "you're amazingly sexy!" Me being honest was a huge turn on for him.

I hope everyone else doesn't have as slow a progression in feeling comfortable and confident in disclosing as I did! It really can be easy!! Wish I figured that out a long time ago.

 

[Ishmael]

On 8/29/2018 at 8:37 PM, Lilly82 said:

Thanks for your response Ishmael! 

So far, I have had to disclose to 3 or 4 men and each time, I don't think that I have  told them in the best way.  Every time I start to tell them, and tell my story I start crying, because I feel so ashamed of it, and am scared they are going to not react very well.

My previous thoughts were that it was ok to cry and get emotional about it because it's real.  But now I am beginning to realize that I need to be more confident in my disclosure.  I guess the more confident I am about disclosing, the better chances are of someone being accepting of it.  

Lovethemountain's post is very good so I'd recommend reading that. But yes, starting out with crying is going to communicate that whatever you are going through is horrible and making you unhappy. Ask yourself this: are you crying because of the actual suffering of herpes itself? Or are you crying because of the stigma of the disease and the reaction that people might have to it? If it is the first one, get to a doctor because you need some antivirals or something! More likely it is the second one and you are crying because you are feeling vulnerable. But that's just the bullshit. All that shame and fear is just bullshit. There is nothing to be ashamed of and if the man across the table from you thinks you should be ashamed, then he isn't worth the effort. 

Sit down and write a list of all the things that you think the people you've ever dated before you got herpes saw in you, because let's be honest: they liked you for a reason. Maybe your hair, your smarts, your taste in movies, whatever. Whatever has drawn people to you in the past. After, cross out any of the things on that list that herpes changes. Unless your list was only "I don't get cold sores on my genitals once in a while" then people are still going to want to be with you. Focus on that. That's why the guy that you are disclosing to is in the room at all. 

Now consider that this guy probably doesn't know a damn thing about herpes. He's going to immediately form an opinion of what this is all about from how you present it to him. If you look like you're in anguish, he's not going to want to bring that into his life. But you're not in anguish because herpes is so bad, you're upset because of how he might react and how you feel about it. So be upfront, blunt, and calm. Also, red up on how to do this at this forum and elsewhere. There's lots of places to get good info on how to have this difficult talk.

[Ishmael]

23 hours ago, LoveTheMountains said:

Hi Lilly82,My advice is definitely to get a handle on how you disclose AND get to a place of acceptance of yourself; really understand how awesome you are regardless of how a person feels about herpes. Its so important.  I'm pasting some text from an old post by another member, it was titled something like "successful disclosures female to male" by "optimist". You might want to find that post (sorry I don't know how to make a link to it here).  In the thread several of us discuss our history of disclosures.  The reason I'm pasting mine below is because I want you to see the "evolution" of my disclosures and how important it was for me to truly accept myself!  Yes, in general most were "successful" in that no one reacted badly but that doesnt' mean my own head was in a good place during many of these heredisclosures.  It took me about a decade to get to where I am now w Hope this  helps y

From other posting:

"Just found this older posting and trying to get more proactive and involved in the forums (its therapeutic for me right now lol!) Thought I'd add a list of my disclosure experiences over the years. I've had this a long time but was in a relationship soon after from about age 19 to 27 so I didn't get to start having the talk till then. (I got it back before there was any good info online- heck I looked it up in an encyclopedia when I got it and that little paragraph was the extent of my knowledge for years).

This isn't all disclosures but the most significant ones:

1) I was 28. Told the guy on the phone after we had started dating and things were getting serious. I was a tearful emotional mess. He was verbally very comforting and accepting. The next day he invited me over and just held me all day. So that was good. However down the road he proved to be kinda a jerk; cut himself off emotionally but wanted lots of booty calls and I ended it. But I'm thankful for his initial comforting reaction. It helped pave the way forward

2) Age 30 Was not a crying mess but had a very hard time getting the words out so he finally interrupted with "I know what you're going to say; its not you its me...I get it you are not as into me as I am into you...its okay". I burst out laughing and then was like "umm no I have herpes". He was relieved! Accepting. We dated a few months. He was never quite comfortable with sex and that did hurt a lot, plus there were other things I didn't like about his personality so I was relieved when our work took us separate places.

3) Age 31 Disclosed calmly for the first time. Inside I was a wreck because I was totally falling in love with this guy and terrified of rejection. He interpreted my disclosure as me trying to end the budding relationship and he got choked up. When I explained otherwise he was relieved and said he totally wants to be together. I made him wait a few weeks just to make sure. Relationship lasts 4 years.

4) Age 37 This was tricky b/c we met in the state I was living and he was stationed 3000 miles away. He flew me out to see him again. I was not comfortable with disclosing by phone but felt super guilty that he flew me out and that he might be mad at "wasting" a plane ticket once he found out. At the end of a great 1st day back together I sat him down with a "I need to tell you something". His face dropped and his response was "you don't want to see me anymore do you?" After disclosing he too was relieved and we moved forward with a relationship for a while.

5) Age 38 After a month of dating this guy I sat down to have the talk. He was very relieved; he thought I was going to say I was married (apparently this happened to him once). He was thoughtful about the HSV discussion then said it didn't change his feelings. Next day told me he loved me. We waited a month to have sex. Got engaged a year later. Unfortunately once we got engaged he let loose with all his really bad qualities : ( and I finally had to walk away.

6) Age 40, last week, hit it off with a handsome guy hiding out at a ski resort on Valentines Day like me. For the first time EVER I felt confident and happy to disclose with very little care about the outcome's effect on me. He was blown away and kept commenting on how "amazing, cool, awesome" I am. And how "this feels so real and wonderful to sit here talking to you like this". And "you're amazingly sexy!" Me being honest was a huge turn on for him.

I hope everyone else doesn't have as slow a progression in feeling comfortable and confident in disclosing as I did! It really can be easy!! Wish I figured that out a long time ago.

 

Haha, it sounds like you got the guys so scared before you dropped the H-bomb that they were relived it was just herpes. A possible tactic!

[LoveTheMountains]

Funny ! But ya know I think there is something more to be read into that; each one had their own insecurities and fears of rejection - which for them had nothing to do with an STD lol! Just goes to show we are all vulnerable and a little scared inside!  : )

[Lilly82]

You guys are amazing, thank you soo sooo much for all of your kind words and suggestions, I will definitely take all of that into consideration. I know I just need to be confident within myself, because I DO know it's not that big of a deal.  Ill read over some more of these stories to get a better idea exactly what to say next time i have to disclose.

Thanks again everyone! 🙂