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New. Terrified. Afraid of losing the man I am with.

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Hi all.


I am very new to this group and to the diagnosis. As a matter of fact I am in the process of being retested and waiting for the results of that.


I'm horrified. I'm trying to be rational but, I am literally making myself sick, can't eat, sleep, etc.


I understand that Herpes is very, very common. I understand that since I am a woman the rates of me transferring this to a partner are quite low, especially with precautions.


I am so scared to tell and lose the man I am with. I am a almost 46 years old and about 2 months ago became sexually involved with a man that had been a close friend for about 7 years. We were having unprotected sex. I know, not smart but since we had both been in long term committed relationships for the most part I guess neither of us thought much about it. I want to be clear, I had no idea I had this virus at the time.


My last partner was unfaithful, as a matter of fact, after 13 years together he got my best friend pregnant. When I finally wised up and went to my gyno to get birth control he said that I should get an std check based on that, which I did and now here I am. To my knowledge I have never had an outbreak but, carry antibodies for both types.


I can really use some support. This man is important to me but, I am terrified. Of the social stigma and of losing him.


The facts for female to male transmission are 4% with doing nothing, 2% with abstaining during breakout and 1% with antiviral drugs. I feel like if someone said that to me, I wouldn't run but, yet, I am so scared he will.


I'll be very honest, there's a huge part of me that wishes I didn't know and that part of me almost feels like sparing him the anquish. I know this is morally wrong but, I feel like I can't be the only one that ever had that thought, can I? At the very least, I am waiting for he 2nd set of results. to see if it's IGG or IGM.


I'm very grateful to this forum and for all of you posts and support.

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I totally understand where you're coming from. Three weeks ago I found out and had to tell my long term boyfriend about my diagnosis. It was HARD I won't lie. But I respect him and it was important to me to be completely truthful. It was also important to me to not feel shame or bad about it. By not telling your partner, you're giving into the fear of the stereotype. Don't be ashamed or feel dirty or less of a woman than before you found out. You're still the same person. My advice is to browse through threads here and read about other people's disclosures. It gave me courage to do it and do it with dignity and grace.

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Thank you. I really appreciate your feedback. Ultimately, I love him. I loved him as a friend even prior to our relationship so, even though it's early days for our relationship, I know in my heart that I couldn't decieve him. I do thank you for not judging me for saying that there is a part of me that doesn't want to tell him. I sincerly mean it when I say that since I have never had an outbreak, I really wish I didn't know.


Believe me I am on information overload! I can't stop reading about it. I am fine with the health part because I am a very healthy and have a strong immue system. For me it's the emotional part and the social stigma. I find the female to male transferrance statistics very encouraging. Did you?


I assume things went well with you and your boyfriend?

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I totally relate to you! Yes, for me it was just the emotional aspect. confronting the possibility of my love telling me he wouldn't be able to handle it, and potential loves in the future not pursuing a relationship because of it. Ugh! You really do learn a lot about yourself and other people when you have to tell a truth that could make someone feel differently about you. I was fortunate that my boyfriend loves me the same and we've been able to joke about it a few times. I really do think my delivery helped him stay calm and matter of fact. I took the emotion out of it. I had some stats ready to share (not too much, just what he'd probably ask me about). It went very well and I kept my composure and felt sure of myself. NOT easy!!! Anyway it did make both of us feel better learning about transference rates and also the fact we've had unprotected sex for 3 yrs and he's never had any sign of a problem.


Sorry, I went on and on :) you're not alone and there's probably not an emotion you're feeling that we haven't all felt!!

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Oh my goodness, you did not go on and on! Please, go on as much as you like, I really need to hear it. Again, thanks so much.


I'm still not ready to tell him but, my doctor assured me that it's ok to wait until I have all of my retesting info before I do that otherwise I may be put him through this for nothing. Although, I pretty much know it's not going to be nothing.

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I have told family, close friends, and my on and off again boyfriend about having h and not one has taken it badly. Shocked at first maybe, but when you disclose with confidence and with the true facts people are always really surprised about how not big of a deal it is! One of my good friends (who gets cold sores orally) exclaimed that shed rather have it genitally so noone can see it! I laughed for a long time about that one haha but seriously I've heard this over and over and it's the truth: how someone responds to an H disclosure says more about him or her as a person not about you. h isn't going away, all you can do is learn all you can, be honest, and proceed to reap the benifits of knowing your relationships are genuine and understanding. Good luck love I promise it gets easier with time!

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Thank you so much Kaybe. I'm so upset because not only do I have to tell hime but, we have been having uprotected sex for almost 2 months already so, there's the extra fear that I may have infected him. I had absolutley no idea at all that I had it otherwise I never would have been so careless.


Were there any particular handouts or fact sheets you used with your man? I feel like he and I are both the kind of people that are comforted by those things.


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Heya Clare!


You ask about particular handouts/fact sheets? Here you go:




... and have you downloaded the e-book yet on disclosing? http://eepurl.com/b4IPP ... A lot of the disclosure talk has to do with how you feel about yourSELF first. Notice the possibility of creating a self-fulfilling prophecy of rejection. We are powerful. We can influence the outcomes in our life, either consciously or subconsciously. Learn to accept and love yourself. You are okay. You weren't careless if you didn't know. If you had an idea that your last man was cheating, then maybe you could have been more proactive about getting tested. But there is no use in shaming yourself now. What's done is done. And you clearly care and have strong integrity. Shaming yourself only drags yourself down more, creating more of an environment of negativity and angst. Start now with loving yourself and allowing that love to overflow into loving him more and more. Focus on all those good parts of you and your relationship with him. Those are bound to be so bright as to wash out any of the stigma that might crop up around herpes. Remember, what we focus on becomes bigger.


And watch the words you use, too. Infected him? To me, that is dripping with negativity and stigma. See how you are carrying this stigma with you? In the disclosure talk, you may "infect" him with the stigma you carry. Notice that. Where do you want to focus? On the potential stigma of herpes or on the strength and beauty of what you already have in relationship with this man? It sounds like what you have so far is beautiful. But it's up to you how you see it. And even though you can't control how he will react or feel about the disclosure, you can love and accept yourself and him throughout.


Check out this blog article I wrote on the power of words:


Note: This is for informational purposes only. This information does not constitute medical advice or diagnosis.
I'm not a medical professional, so please take this as friendly peer support. 

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I used the information sheets that Adrial just linked up. Super helpful. I also went to a friends house and sort of practiced my talk with her. It helped me remove the negative emotion, so when I approached my boyfriend later that evening, I didn't feel as much burden.

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I've talked to a few friends who all said "it's no big deal" which made me feel better. I plan on using the handouts. The verbage and using more positive words has helped me so much and I am praying helps in the conversation with him. The truth is that if he told me there was a 1-2% chance of the virus spreading to me from him, I'd stay so, I hope that the same.


I know I sound a little desperate about the man part of this. I am not that way. It's just that I had a very painful past and thought I might have finally found someone and I have also educated myself (I think) inside and out and I get it, it totally stinks but it's a skin condition. I am just so wrapped up and terrified about the stigma.

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