Say What You Need To Say

[kitcattat]

Listening to this John Mayer song, Say, the lyrics always pop into my head whenever I am about to disclose to someone.

 

"Even if your hands are shaking

And your faith is broken

Even as the eyes are closing

Do it with a heart wide open

Say what you need to say"

 

It's like he wrote the song for that reason or at least I pretend he did. hehe. It just gets me thinking though, i need to say what i need to say. It's just a skin condition, they're just words, why is it so hard to disclose. Once it's out there and said it's not as scary! It's just the initial saying it and bringing it up, but how much better would life be if everyone quit playing games and were real down-to-earth people. I tend to respect people who are real, who are raw, honest and vulnerable. It's hard to be that way, it takes real strength to admit to your faults and be who you TRULY are. Then why do we spend so much time trying to cover that up and lie to ourselves? Myself included, these are things I constantly have to remind myself.

I have just had a lot on my mind lately. I have been debating on telling the rest of my family I have herpes...which is like so scary to me. When I found out, I only told my parents and they haven't really had a reaction about it to this day. They just kind of ignore it and tip toe around it...which I guess is fine, but just really frustrating because I want someone that Im really close to, to talk about it and not act like it's such a tragedy. Id almost rather have them be unsupportive sometimes. I'm just worried that my siblings will be unsupportive...especially my brother, he's the biggest concern. I am closest to him in age and we were best friends for awhile. We've really drifted apart for awhile and recently have been getting closer, but I am so scared he will say something dumb to make me mad or tell his friends or be really judgemental. I know he's my brother and everything, but he's also kind of a jackass. haha. I just haven't found the courage to tell any of my siblings, it's almost harder to tell them than a potential partner, because if I didn't tell them they would most likely never find out. Scary stuff.

ALso to go along with saying what I need to say, I have been thinking a lot about this guy from my past. Back when I was in high school I met some guy who changed my life in such a small amount of time, but I honestly will never forget him. He was my very first and, until i got herpes, only encounter with anyone with an STD. He was very honest with me, told me like 2nd time we ever talked that he had HPV. I remember being so freaked out, but he was literally the coolest guy, only guy I could have an all night conversation with. We related so much and I liked him a ton, but i just remember being so judgemental about his condition and really debating not continuing ever talking to him again. I did of course because he didn't "bring it on himself" he was blacked out and raped. I think about him all the time now, like how he must of felt telling me all of that and how scary it was. Im just amazed how honest he was from the start and how awful I was for ever thinking that. And I think that is why I have such a hard time disclosing, because I know how it felt to be on the other end, receiving a disclosure. I have also been thinking that I wish there was some way I could contact him so I could apologize and really tell him how much I respect him for having so much honesty and integrity. Even at 17, he had more honesty and integrity than I will ever have and I aspire to be more like that. I guess this is my public apology to him.

 

ANyways, sorry for the length of this and the rambling, just had to put it all out there :)

[Rogue1313]

I like your "ramble" !

 

it's so nice to hear what's going on in everyone's brains when it comes to living with this, it helps give me more insight to how this virus is going to change me and a lot of the times, it inspires me to look deeper into myself! So I was very inspired by reading this because I am in a similar situation when it comes to not having anyone to truly talk to about this, I have told my mother and she had the same reaction as your parents did. She kind of likes to pretend its not real and sadly, this doesn't leave me a chance to talk to someone who I'm very close to, because she is my best friend and in reality, someone I SHOULD be able to tell anything to. I think for parents, it's just harder because we are their babies and they can't do anything to help us and they know its not a life-threatening illness and that well be okay. Let this serve as a lesson to both of us about the kind of parents WE want to be one day and how lucky our own kids will be to have a parent who is willing to talk with them about anything, even though we didnt have the opportunity to when we needed it! Thanks for sharing! I hope maybe one day we can chat and trade stories and notes on living with this virus! I haven't been able to find a buddy to talk to about this yet. (Only diagnosed a month ago)

 

And also! Great song choice haha. It funny how songs we hear all the time can have different meanings that are more deep right? Life's crazy, good luck! Hoping and wishing the very best for you!

[lulu87]

This all resonates true for me as well. I told my close friends and have basically decided not to spend time with any of the friends I didn't trust to tell. In that way, herpes has really helped me to think about who I can truly trust and call a friend. When it comes to family though, nobody knows. I alluded to it with my dad and he didn't press for information and I just don't think I can ever tell them. I think for family, herpes also gives the instant impression "my family member had sex to get this" and that adds an ick factor on top of whatever stigma they might have. So for that reason, I haven't and probably won't disclose to my family because I don't foresee it being any more supportive and my desire to disclose is more out of guilt of not being 100% transparent/honest than feeling like it's useful for them to know. Does that make sense?

[kitcattat]

Rogue: I am glad you were inspired by this. :) I can relate with your mother situation, my parents are really close to me and I want to let them into my life and feel all I am feeling. It's hard when they won't acknowledge, this HUGE part of me. You're right though, they probably are just not knowing how to react to it. I know my parents mean well and only want to watch what theyre saying in order to keep from offending me. But sometimes I just wish theyd ask or talk about it with me. i know I definitely feel like all that shapes me to be a better parent. I feel like if I had someone to talk to about all my feelings, none of this would've happened in the first place...or maybe it would have who knows. Feel free to talk to me about it any time, I am very open about it and would love someone to talk to about it as well.

lulu: I know exactly what you are getting at. That's exactly what I fear and why I haven't told the rest of my family yet. I just want to be honest and open with them and hopefully they have a better reaction to it...or even just helps me in my journey to telling people. It's still hard, I have not told anyone who I haven't been intimate with since my two best friends...when I first found out a year ago.