HSV2 disclosure and dealing with someone who you know won’t accept it

[J.L2018]

Hello, I have recently been diagnosed with HSV2 about 6 months ago and have had a few outbreaks, nothing as bad as the first one ! I took the news really, really bad and couldn’t deal with it at first , however I started to feel a bit better as it is effectively a skin condition with a really unfair, bad stigma. I have remained single ever since In absolute fear of disclosure and rejection. However recently I started speaking to a guy I’ve known for a long time , he’s absolutely lovely , he’s really into me and on paper would be perfect, however , the other day we got onto to topic of stds and he actually brought herpes up and said a lot about how he’d never stay in a relationship with someone who has it as “ it must be horrific having to tell people  and would be a right mood killer on a first date” he said more about it and I tried to low key educate him on how it isn’t as scary as what people think and was shocked at how misinformed people are however now I’m really panicking as I know if I tell him he won’t handle it well and the fact that someone who really likes me and is already after a few dates planning a relationship with me won’t be able to handle the diagnosis, it makes it a lot harder that he is in pretty much the same friendship group and knows a lot of the same people I do so I don’t know how to put an end to the dating , would it be best to tell him about what I have and hope he doesn’t tell everyone ? Or do I just break it off with an excuse about how i can’t get into a relationship right now ? 

This whole situation has really knocked me back to square one and I just want to know if there actually are people out there who will infact hear someone has a herpes diagnosis and still want to stick around? 

Thank you in advance 😌

[Anonymous88]

That's such a tough one that I feel only you can make. 

If you didn't tell him and kept it a secret it would be hard to keep it from him plus when he does down the line find out he wouldn't react to it great after what he said about someone having herpes. 

Honesty in this case is probably the best way to go about it knowing that it may unfortunetely end things between you which is a shame but its part of life all of this and you can't help having it and the only way he is not got a chance of getting it is for him to not have sex at all so good luck to him.

I have been open since being diagnosed early on this year, my mum knows,my sister, close friends,cousin, and a male colleague and it has been easier being able to talk about it to people I trust. It has happened to me,nothing I can do about it, its part of life and I enjoy sex which is how it managed to be passed on. You can't be made to feel bad for being human like everybody else. 

Best of luck x

[annalove]

@J.L2018 sorry to hear he made some insensitive comments, but if you think hes a quality person it is more than likely coming from a place of misinformation and stigma. You never know how he will react to your information about being a carrier. 

I thought FOR SURE an ex long time partner of mine would be cruel and disgusted by my HSV-2. So much so I blocked his number for over a year and ignored his other attempts to reach after I was diagnosed. A couple months ago after he had reached out again (like the 4th different kind of attempt over a year long period at least) I finally disclosed to him. While he was shocked, he was also nice about it and said he would never spread that information, respected my choice to always disclose and thought it was great I was handling it as well as I was. But I could tell, he definitely was effected by the stigma and even said he would "kill someone who ruined his life that way". 

Then a few weeks ago he messaged me saying he doesnt care and still want to sleep with me. I havent done anything with him mostly because I know he isnt 100% comfortable with it. But it showed me that even someone who I KNOW has a major stigma about herpes, was willing to open their mind and somewhat come around to the idea.

In my opinion, most people have a stigma about herpes until they know someone with it who they really care about, or who they REALLY want to sleep with lol. So you really never know. I would take a chance if I were you! 

 

[Anonymous88]

@J.L2018 keep us updated on how it went please. Hope he was able to change his view on it and if not you will hopefully in time meet the right person.

[J.L2018]

Hey thank you both so so much for the help and advice! It’s so appreciated, especially with your attitudes regarding relationships and how people are still willing to consider a relationship after learning the diagnosis! Because that’s been weighing on my mind so much, the diagnosis itself didn’t bother me it’s the whole disclosing which scares me and has impacted my life the most 🙄

I met him again and I’d come to the conclusion that if I did tell him about it I’d be in constant fear of him telling everyone about it as he seems like a person who struggles to keep stuff in especially when drunk.. or use that as a way to trap me in a relationship so I decided to just try and end it before anything happened and just stay friends , he took that really hard but I just know it’s the right decision to make 😌 i need to take time to truly accept it and be strong enough to put myself out there so if rejection does happen I can accept it easier, I’m just going to stay single until someone who doesn’t know any of my friendship group comes along ! 

Thank you both so much for your help 🤗 x