Having "the herpes talk" tomorrow...

[lulu87]

I'm still new here, so far I've only connected with Adrial but I'm a bundle of nerves and could really use some support tonight.

 

Tomorrow, I am meeting with my ex boyfriend for the first time since our breakup to tell him that I have herpes. He's the obvious "culprit" but I'm anxious about what happens if I'm right... he could be in denial, he could get angry, he could cry, he could berate me, he could do all sorts of things. And then there's that other problem... what if I'm wrong? It's highly unlikely, but I guess it's a possibility to also consider. There's also the ambivalent that he might just not want to get tested or not tell me the results if he does.

 

I think my biggest fear is he'll be explosive or angry. He wasn't usually like that during our relationship but we haven't been in contact much and he can be mean when he's defensive, and he struggles to take responsibility, even when he's clearly in the wrong. It's a possibility I may walk away feeling very very hurt, alone, or worthless.

 

What I plan to say is something like, "Recently, I had some health problems and found out that I was positive for herpes. The person I was most recently dating came back negative, and I'm trying to find out where this may have come from and also bring attention as people might have it and not know, and maybe spread it to others. I'm wondering if you've ever been specifically tested for herpes, which is a separate test from the standard STD panel? If not, would you do so and let me know the results?"

[nic4897]

Hi Lulu, Wow! What a talk you have coming! If I may suggest and honestly.. Take this or leave it.. Perhaps instead of having a "blame" type talk where you are trying to determine the "culprit" .. Perhaps your approach should me more about clear communication. I would approach it (if it were me) as .. Hey.. I care for you and I've been diagnosed with herpes and here is what I've found out .. 1.) I tested positive 2.) I told the last person I was with and they tested negative 3.) I truly care for your well being and think you should be tested. By approaching it from a place of love versus blame .. His reaction may be very different. It matters at this stage .. to educate the person about what they may or may not have versus telling someone to find out If they passed it to you. It's a matter of a flip in thinking.. a Positive approach .. I blame you versus I care for you. I hope this helps. Be brave and know that by his reaction to the situation, you will understand if this person should be a friend or more in your life. Good luck, friend! Post how it goes.. We are all here to support you :) You are very deserving of a loving friend or lover and hopefully both ;)

[nic4897]

Oh! I almost forgot .. Most importantly .. If he chooses ..when you approach this from a stance of care and love ..to react with anger.. Realize at that point that he is going through his own process of possible risk and acceptance and you should honor that.. His emotional process has nothing to do do with you. It has to do with him. Just as your going through your own process of acceptance ... honor that he has to do the same. Good luck and blessings :)

[lulu87]

Thanks Nic, I like your spin. I'm really worried now because after trying to get some more input I joined a chat room and everyone was very pushy that H came from my most recent ex, who told me he was tested and came back negative. The idea is just overwhelming to me. The idea that a guy would lie to me about this and I am about to go confront someone else, and if he comes back negative then I know this guy lied to me about his results AND totally abandoned me and will no longer speak to me... I don't know.

[nic4897]

Well.. Projecting fear onto a situation that may or may not happen is a futile effort. Accepting what's now a part of you honestly doesn't necessarily need to find out who gave it to you. You are doing the best you can to be responsible with yourself with something that is new to you. We can all do only the best we know how. You are being brave and responsible and that's all you can do. Be brave. A brave heart is priceless versus a scared heart which is useless since it doesn't share. Share your story with him in the hopes that it may help others. It's more than worthy.. It's honorable and makes you a fantastic person.

[lulu87]

That's true. I wish my ex I was planning to tell was more open-minded. I feel like if he came back negative it'd be the end of any potential friendship we might have had and he'd be so vindictive. And even worse, I would never have any closure on this situation since then I'd know the other guy gave it to me, lied, and fled without any explanation.

[nic4897]

Ahhh closure .. What a "thing". I struggle myself. I sense you are dealing with a bigger issue that I can sooo relate! Who do I want in my life versus who is good in my life. That is an emotional process and acceptance in and of itself. Boundaries. It's the answer. At what point do you say enough is enough. This person doesn't belong in my life as a friend or lover or even an acquaintance! It's hard when you're a good person and open to boot! A friend of mine says our greatest strength is also our greatest weakness. And love, seriously ... It's ok to not have him in your life if he chooses to berate you for being honest and generally a good person. You also need to decide this and set that boundary for yourself and that takes self love. Love yourself to not want negative people in your life. Set a boundary that your friends want the best for you and will always .. Even through fights and uncomfortable situations .. Will be there for you. This talk will tell you if he is or is not that prison and that is your fear. Don't be afraid to let someone go from your life that doesn't deserve your generosity. Don't be afraid to say goodbye. It opens room for something far better to enter. Take it for someone who has learned this time Snd time again and is constantly reassessing the same.

[nic4897]

So sorry for all my iPhone autocorrects lol

[lulu87]

I agree with you... the chat room just had me rethinking whether or not to even disclose to him since now I'm thinking maybe he didn't give it to me and having this discussion is just setting myself up for negativity I truly don't need right now, having only been diagnosed about a month ago.

[nic4897]

Then wait until you're in a better place to be strong. It's ok. But do confront him. That chat room .. Who knows what issues they have with lord knows what.. But when you're in a place when you're not afraid ... Confront him. It's good for everyone , yourself included.

[lulu87]

That's true. Everyone I mention it to is telling me to hold off now, which sucks because I had a really good attitude about it until those silly chatters convinced me it was this other guy who gave it to me. :(

[Katieanne]

Hi lulu, if you feel that this guy is going to be really negative and angry towards you then why are you going to tell him? You don't deserve to be put down or made to feel less than. If you don't trust that he will be accepting and supportive then maybe you should reconsider having any kind of relationship with him. Especially because you were recently diagnosed with this. You are just coming to terms with it and having some ex-boyfriend who puts you down isn't going to make you feel any better about. Either way I wish you luck !!

[lulu87]

Update: met with my ex and had the talk... it actually went really well. I framed it in a way that was not threatening and asked him to help me by getting tested and he was very supportive and agreed to get tested. He was really thankful for my honesty and we had a good talk about it (with me crying basically the whole time, but that's just me haha). Glad to have it off my chest - now there's officially nobody left to tell until the next person I date. :)