Mixed Signals with Rejection

[Honeybear22]

Hi!! I'm 23 and I have had herpes for almost two years. In November, I started dating a new guy and disclosed to him before we had sex. He took it fine and just said he knew that it is very common but said he wasn't too educated on it so I explained to him all the information about it and transmission rates and etc. He said he would like to keep seeing me. We just connected so well and I was happy that he wasn't turned away by this. Well..a few weeks later he ghosted me and I figured it was because of the herpes and I have to understand there can be rejection. However, a few months later, we recently started chatting again as friends and we just figured we have gotten busy with our own lives and it was like nothing happens.. Anyways, for the first time since november, I hung out with him and ended up sleeping at his place. Things were getting steamy and when I told him to just give me the green light if he wanted to have sex but he said "he just wasn't ready".. I totally respect that. I do. But this is also the second time where he has declined sex and he will try to resort for me to just give him oral..Is that fair? Am i stupid?? I just almost regret telling him at all and it makes me upset and brings me back to all of the feelings I felt when I first got herpes. Things like this didn't happen before my pre-herpes life.. I just really need some advice on what to do with this situation. I just don’t understand his intentions and i dont know if it’s worth keeping him in my life or moving forward 

[Cwgrl100]

I'd give him a little while longer hanging out to see how things go OR just tell him exactly how you feel! 

 

Like, "Hey I know the other night you weren't ready for sex, and I definitely respect that and I want you to KNOW I respect that..I also know that a couple months ago you kind of disappeared off the radar and I wasn't sure if it was because of the HSV or what but it hurt my feelings (or made me feel shitty, etc). I just want to know where you stand now and if you want to continue trying to be something and trying to work past this, or if you'll never be ready you ghost me again. I like you and definitely want you, but if it's the latter, I just need to know that so I can move on."

Maybe something like that! 😬

[hope27]

If you were completely okay in giving him oral and not expecting anything in return it would have been a different scenario. But you have your expectations from him. To me it sounds like he is okay to get oral from you and get his pleasure but when it comes to giving back he is not ready yet since you have this. And that is completely uncool. The pleasure should be from both ways. You should try talking with him directly on this and find out his intentions. If he needs more time that's okay. But then he should not take advantage of that and get share of his pleasure. 

[Honeybear22]

3 hours ago, Cwgrl100 said:

I'd give him a little while longer hanging out to see how things go OR just tell him exactly how you feel! 

 

Like, "Hey I know the other night you weren't ready for sex, and I definitely respect that and I want you to KNOW I respect that..I also know that a couple months ago you kind of disappeared off the radar and I wasn't sure if it was because of the HSV or what but it hurt my feelings (or made me feel shitty, etc). I just want to know where you stand now and if you want to continue trying to be something and trying to work past this, or if you'll never be ready you ghost me again. I like you and definitely want you, but if it's the latter, I just need to know that so I can move on."

Maybe something like that! 😬

This is so spot on and a PERFECT answer! Thank you so much. 

[Honeybear22]

2 hours ago, hope27 said:

If you were completely okay in giving him oral and not expecting anything in return it would have been a different scenario. But you have your expectations from him. To me it sounds like he is okay to get oral from you and get his pleasure but when it comes to giving back he is not ready yet since you have this. And that is completely uncool. The pleasure should be from both ways. You should try talking with him directly on this and find out his intentions. If he needs more time that's okay. But then he should not take advantage of that and get share of his pleasure. 

I totally agree with your response! Just needed to make sure I wasn't naiive and that it's an ahole move of him! Thank you so much for the kind words and advice 🙂 

[Cwgrl100]

On 4/13/2019 at 12:26 PM, Honeybear22 said:

This is so spot on and a PERFECT answer! Thank you so much. 

You're very welcome!! Good luck!

[Jeangrey]

All the advice in this thread is so good! Thank you. 

[Amando]

Hi

Personally I think you should ditch the guy, he sounds like he is stringing you along to me.

I don't think ghosting someone is a decent thing to d,o what ever!
Then he comes back after some time & is just getting oral from you, WTF!

I understand that you really like the guy & that makes it harder but you deserve better than this
& this sort of emotional torment won't do you any good.