Disclosure As A Way to Educate?

[anne43]

Hi all -

New here, but have lurked on and off for months. I'm 43, and I contracted herpes back in October 2018. I'd been divorced for a year and a half, and this was the first time I'd had sex since my marriage fell apart. He did not know he had herpes, and so I really wasn't mad at him. But we didn't date anymore after that. Oh well! I only had the one outbreak and have been on antiviral meds ever since. No more outbreaks. 

I've only had one guy reject me as dating material for having herpes, and all the other guys I've dated have been fine with it. I still HATE having the disclosure conversation, but I recognize it's the right thing to do.

Fast forward to now. I'm seeing a guy long-distance and we're planning to meet for the first time this coming weekend. I have not told him about the herpes because I want to do it in person.  We were FaceTiming the other day and he was telling me about his friend who never has safe sex. "He's going to end up getting herpes or AIDS or something," my guy said. And my heart just kind of sank because I thought, oh crap. He's going to reject me. We're going to meet for the first time and that will be the only time we meet!

But after thinking some more, I wonder if this isn't a way to educate him that herpes is really no big deal? I'm going to be battling against the stigma, first of all, and so I definitely want to have facts and figures handy. If I can frame the discussion in a way in which it's very nonchalant, I think that maybe that might work? I guess what I'm asking for is some advice on how to approach it.

The fact of the matter is, I have rheumatoid arthritis and that is much, much more serious than herpes. Herpes is an annoying thing to me (and as I've said, I only had the one outbreak so I barely even think about it until I meet a guy). 

Here's the thing: we're very sexually attracted to each other, and I wouldn't be surprised if sex happened sooner rather than later. But I'm kind of terrified that the moment I tell him, he'll lose all desire for me.

Do I approach it very casually? Say, hey, since I'm on antivirals and if we use protection, you have a greater chance of getting in a car accident than in getting herpes? Is this an opportunity to educate him and maybe remove the stigma?

[My_dog_is_hungry]

I personally think you should tell him before he comes so that he has time to digest, especially since he made that comment. If you don't there is the potential he will feel duped. Don't pretend it's a conversation better had in person, this is just delaying the uncomfortable.

[100918]

If this is a long-distance thing, especially if he is the one traveling to you, I think you owe it to him to have that conversation before he travels. IF it's a dealbreaker to him, then better to tell him beforehand vs him being in your location and 'stuck', for lack of a better word. 

 

[anne43]

I am actually traveling to him.