FreeSpiriting

Hey, so I got genital hsv1 from my ex because he thought that as long as you didn't have an open cold sore you couldn't pass the virus on. I had my first OB pretty soon after we started sleeping together and so along with coming to terms with my diagnosis and a horrific OB, I also had to break it to him that he most likely have it to me and try to educate him about it! (He still hasn't quite grasped that he has heroes and that he should tell people before sex etc but at least I tried!) We were then together for 3 and a half years but broke up recently and so I'm just coming to terms with dating with herpes. I used to be pretty chilled with sex before and enjoyed casual sex etc but now I'm finding it difficult to think about since I also have to think about herpes. I've by no means got over the hurdle yet, and I'm still yet to make my first disclosure (just havent needed to yet although I am also very nervous) but I have come to term with the fact it's just a minor annoyance. It's kinda like life has set up an extra screening process in dating, it'll help you filter people. Yes, there may be times when you feel like you are being rejected because you have herpes but you're just as likely to reject someone because of something about them! I think it's also important that you take some time and focus on yourself. You've had a rough time and the ending of a relationship is never fun so take your time and actively work on becoming friends with yourself. Get comfortable in your skin, build up your self confidence again until you're feeling great all by yourself and because of yourself and then you'll be in a much better place to be dating because you won't be disheartened by rejection because you know you're worth more than that. It'll get better soon and you'll get back into the world of dating and you will have ups and downs but you'll get to a point where herpes doesn't control you and your life, it'll just be a minor thing

I asked a similar question previously and people suggested taking it just because it reduces shedding so will help reduce the risk of passing it on

I just wanted to add that you should try not to feel too guilty... You didn't even know you had the virus in the first place so you had no idea you could pass it on to him. I'm sure that if you had known then you would have approached the whole situation differently but you didn't so just keep that in mind! I hope you manage to come to terms with everything soon and start to feel a bit better and less stressed. Chances are that once his body gets over this first but he will be absolutely fine!

Yeh I think I would agree that under these circumstances it would be better to disclose before you go just in case. If you have been talking about sex and know you will end up having sex when you meet him then I'd probably it's time. Good luck and I hope the disclosure and trip go well!

I thought that he would be more understanding and mature about it since he’s literally twice my age. I’m 20 and he’s 40. Sadly age has very little to do with maturity! He sounds like a tool. I hope things start looking more positive for you soon!

Thank you for your assurances, sometimes it's difficult to know what you can and can't expect as reasonable from a GP! I need to go for something else aswell so I will definitely be asking and insisting when I go!

Wow... I mean, I can understand him being upset at your disclosure after you had had sex but to threaten you with violence and call you names is just downright horrible! You don't deserve that at all! Thank goodness it was only once and you didn't get into a relationship or anything with this man because he doesn't sound like the kind of person you want in your life!! I don't really have much advice but wanted to leave a comment just so that you know you have support here and you're not alone going through this.. he has a right to be upset and yes, you were a little irresponsible but at least you cared enough to tell him etc. You don't deserve threats and you don't deserve to be afraid.

Glad to hear you're starting to feel a bit better! I hope it keeps improving from here

Thank you for sharing this, it is good to hear a disclosure by text story with an outcome that wasn't a rejection. I hope your relationship continues to develop in a positive way!

I'm sorry to hear that you're finding yourself in this position! I hope that you are managing ok. Technically, yes, you can pass on the virus through vaginal sex, giving and receiving oral and kissing (and anal sex potentially, just to cover any and all bases!). I would suggest thinking about way of disclosing where you say that you know you are positive for the virus but as you have not had an outbreak you aren't sure where it might potentially show itself but you are taking all precautions possible to limit the risk of transmission from wherever. At the end of the day, the site where you have the virus is unlikely to affect whether or not you have a positive disclosure with someone! Most of all, try not to worry too much and try not to let it take over your life. As long as you disclose to future partners and are taking the precautions that you can take then it's up to them to make an informed and adult decision. It is annoying but there you go... I hope this helps a bit!

That's my thinking... Peace of mind for myself more than anything else!! I'll see what my GP says... Fingers crossed they'll be understanding and knowledgeable about it!

I hadn't thought of it like that... I suppose it goes hand in hand with the whole 'im being responsible by telling you and here is what else I'm doing to be responsible about it's!

Thank you for your responses! @Trying2Accept that's a good point, I forgot the numbers so just said lots but the numbers kinda make it sounds better really! I've always found it so odd that there is no real stigma attached to getting the odd cold sore but genital hsv is barely even whispered about! @Katidid I plan on taking them ASAP so I just kind of presumed I would be and so quoted the risk taking that into account... Do you think I need to explicitly say I'm on antivirals?

So I'm getting back into online dating after I broke up with my ex of over 3 years and I'm just looking for casual things at this stage. I've never had the disclosure talk with anyone before (I haven't even told any of my friends honestly as I don't think they need to know) but I was thinking of how I might do it over text as I often discuss intimacy with people before meeting them. I've written a draft message and was wondering if anyone would be happy to read and make any suggestions! 'At this stage I feel that there is something I should mention in case it changes anything. I carry the genital hsv1 virus. I've not had any symptoms for well over a year and it doesn't really affect my life but there is a very small risk that I could pass it on even without any symptoms. From what I've read it's about a 1-2% risk, about the same as the failure risk of my contraceptive pill to put it into perspective. It's a very common virus and I know that a lot of people have it and never even know but I feel that as I do know, I should mention it out of respect. If you have any questions please ask and I'll do my best to answer.' Thoughts?

I had my first outbreak in about my third week of university (I was 19) and I felt just like you do right now. Just take a bit of time and let it settle in and try to be calm and just let yourself process it. Honestly, apart from the disclosure thing, it doesn't affect my life at all! It's such a common virus, you will absolutely be able to go on and do amazing things with your life and fulfil every one of your dreams! I totally understand that it is difficult to talk to people, especially young people at college about it and that's fine. That's what forums like this are for! I still haven't told anyone that I have the virus, only my ex knows and I've managed so far. You're going to be fine, promise!

This is helping me so much reading this right now. I have just re-entered the world of online dating (basically tinder) and I'm not interested in anything serious but it is the first time I'm having to think about disclosing! (I got genital hsv1 from my ex of 3 and a bit years and he gave it to me within the first few weeks of sleeping together as he was clueless about oral hsv1) So to read so many positive outcomes is really reassuring. I'm still working on a good 'disclosure text' with a mix of facts etc but I'm hoping I'll get the confidence soon...

So I'm recently single and since I contracted genital HSV1 from my ex it's really the first time I'm having to think about disclosing and dating and all of that and it's kinda confusing really. Am I right in thinking that in all cases suppressive therapy will halve the risk of transmission? I'm just worried my GP might not give me long term prescriptions since I've only ever had 4 outbreaks that I can remember in the last 3 and a half years... And none in over a year! Has anyone else had experience of this and could give any suggestions? Anything I can do to reduce the transmission risk will make me feel so much better about disclosing when it comes to it! 1% risk sounds so much better than 4% in my head

I'm struggling with the same issue at the moment. I have been talking with a guy who lives in a different country to me... He is also an ex from before I had my first outbreak so that makes it even more complicated as we had sex previously. I won't see him probably for a while, it's nothing serious at the moment, just talking and a bit of sexting, but I do feel a bit of guilt every time we're talking because I don't know if I'm leading him on. I would hate to lead someone on and potentially get feelings for them and then disclose and it's a deal breaker... This will be my first disclosure and tbh I'm just really scared for so many reasons

Just be supportive until he finds out that the derm says? If you haven't been having sex then there probably isn't much to worry about on your part, just sounds really unpleasant for him!

I really hope for you that your confidence stays this strong into the future... It's such a great attitude to have! I felt similar, I was diagnosed with ghsv1 3 and a half years ago and I got it from the guy I was dating because he didn't realise that coldsores and herpes were the same thing (!?) And had never educated himself because he got it from his mum when he was a kid. So we both had it (I had to convince him that having coldsores meant he did in fact have herpes) so it didn't matter and neither of us cared. This is we then decided to break up. Mutual split, totally amicable, still friends etc and I brought up the subject of telling future partners and said he should think about it in future. But anyway, until that point I felt super confident but now I'm facing my first disclosure and I'm bricking it. Hopefully it will be a positive experience and restore my confidence because apart from the disclosure nerves it really doesn't affect my life at all, I normally forget totally!

This post has helped give me some perspective that I really needed... I haven't got through my first disclosure yet but even just being reminded of the stats has helped me breathe... It's like the same risk as a most contraceptives failing and people don't bat an eyelid at those!

Hey there so I'm totally new to this but here goes. I was diagnosed with genital HSV1 (I'm female) 3 and a half years ago. Pretty sure I got it from the guy I was seeing (he used to get cold sores but thought nothing of them and didn't realise he could transmit the virus even without having symptoms) but it didn't matter that much because we then started going out and we're together since then. However we have now broken up so I am having to face the idea of disclosing to future partners which is terrifying. Before my diagnosis, I went out with a guy and due to circumstances we weren't able to continue our relationship. However he has come back into my life recently and there is a chance something may develop there again. The thing is I'm so nervous about having to tell him that I now have HSV1 because it's unlikely to come up naturally in conversation and I'm so scared that it will totally put him off me. It's also difficult because we are from different countries and I'm not sure how culturally acceptable STIs are for him, and there is the language barrier aswell... I feel it would be better to mention as soon as possible before any feelings have time to develop but I just don't know how. I almost never have symptoms any more and I basically forget about it 99% of the time but right now it feels like some huge hurdle. Any advice would be amazing. Or has anyone else ever been in a similar situation?