lively

Hey Adrial, Your soapbox is such a gift to us all, please rejoice in it! We love your soapbox! In time it will be a gift to the world and many many more people as we take your lead in owning how precious we are and how minor this is really; and learn how to use the gift in it......and bring that to others in our own circles x

Hi Adrial, oh of course, SEO, help all those people who have H acting like a dangerous criminal find a haven with you and your community, like we all have . Love the "dangerous criminal", exactly how "outbreak" occurs to me too. Mmm, I'll wait for first release from famous Bandaid on Labia! can't imagine the title.......:-)

When I think of having sex with a bandaid on my labia I laugh out loud!! you don't really think it would stay in place with all that sliding and slipping do you?

Interesting getting down to the nitty gritty on this page. Just so you all know, I have never had H internally, ever. This suggests to me that I got it from a guy who was wearing a condom. Pay attention people! there's plenty external (for a woman) or non-penis (for a man) skin that contacts repeatedly under pressure when you are engaged in sex. Definitely not 100% on condoms and no symptoms. On another angle, I'm surprised so many here are still using the term "outbreak" for symptoms. Language is powerful, could choose a gentler word, even 'symptoms' is kinder to your body and selfimage than 'outbreak'. My favourite is still "episode".

Wow you guys that's such an amazing way to present H! Adrial, I love "a simple skin condition that I occasionally deal with", that's so clear and so true.....and hforumap, yours leaves me breathless! I think I'm going to learn it off by heart, so it's always there. I know I communicated shame in my last disclosure, and it cost me dearly. I had just started a relationship when diagnosed 18 years ago, and it lasted many years; I hadn't realised this recent disclosure was only my second one. So glad I found this site, full of courageous honourable people. Thankyou again xx

Wow Adrial you are such an inspiration, talk about leading by example! I was sharing just yesterday with a (non herpes) friend about how much this site has helped me. She and I are both coaches ourselves, in early stages of building our coaching businesses after coaching in other enterprises. She said, "And he uses his real name? That's brave." "Yep," I said, "sure does, and it is ... but that's the essence of the new kind of coaching, you have to have experienced what you're coaching, and be up for being public about it." ... and now here you are, taking that step. This is SO about owning who we are, owning the shame we have dealt with, and more than that, the fear of shame. Remember the old saying, "the only thing to fear is fear itself"? You know, every time one of us comes out just a little, someone else in the 16% who have HSV2 relaxes and feels heard and relieved and entitled to live their great life. It is a layer thing, we can always be generous with each other ... thank you so much Adrial, you are SO walking the talk. Lelani where are you? I think I have impression you are in Oz, is that correct? so am I ... maybe we could play with a possibility re public shame reduction, no commitment, just explore together initially ...

I'm so glad you have found this site. There is so much to help you gain perspective on this condition. I'm so sorry you had such an experience at such a young age and that you have been unable to tell anyone, tell us everything, you need to get it out, it's too big a burden for you to hold it alone all these years. I do think you need to heal at least a bit before you try to talk it through with a special new man. Download the ebook and read it through several times for a start. Keep in the conversation here, lots of us would want to help you. I can't say if your mental health problems have come from this or not, but truly Briana you are giving H too much power. Let us help you reclaim your power yourself. Read everything on the forum, it's the best way to realise you really are not alone any more. In the end, everyone we disclose to will make their own choice. Always remember if they walk away, it's the virus not you they are walking away from........I know it can be hard to face that. Yet there are many positive outcomes as well. Stay with us.

Hi Nate, Yes, it's that delicate time again. I don't think that it's a gender specific issue, except that statistically it's easier for women to get H than men to get it from women; our tissues are more delicate and internal of course. Are you planning on using condoms? that could make a difference to a woman, would certainly re-assure me that you cared about my health. I got it from someone I used a condom with I think, as I've only ever had it externally; so for even me, with H, I would only be with an H man if he was willing to use condoms. Every time. Unless we were intending on making babies of course! I've had 2 disclosures, one sailed through so smoothly I had no idea it was such a big deal to others. That was 18 years ago, when first diagnosed. Then my very next one, more recently---whammo, dealbreaker, broke my heart as well as the possibility. Healed now, back out on the dating circuit. So there's no predicting it. I'd go gently on the joking though; you don't have to be dead serious, but men often deal with anxiety by joking, and it often comes off to us women as inauthentic, dismissive of our feelings, and juvenile...........so read her very carefully before you go there. It could be fine to say later, just perhaps not in the initial conversation....you could mention it if she accepts at the start. Still, every case different, just giving you one feminine perspective. Good luck! keep us posted.

I'm so glad you do, thanks for the opportunity to share sparked by your post.

Good distinction. In Australia, people often say "attack" instead of outbreak; I have trained myself to say "episode". Completely different kinesthetic feeling. Makes a big difference.

So agree with you; but also we must ask, it's our equal responsibility to ask about sexual history. If we don't ask the question there are people who won't mention it, but wouldn't lie if asked outright. Essential pre sex discussion, even for young ones. Preferably before getting even close to sex, but that's probably expecting too much lol...

While I totally get what you are saying, I don't agree. H is H, as Dee above says. My original HSV2 infection was 25 yrs ago, didn't know I had it for years, so can accept that whoever I got it from didn't know he had it; though I'm certain I was using a condom at the time, never have had it internally. Now so far down the track, I only ever get an episode when my body has a message for me, I go years between incidents; when I get the message, the episode heals very quickly. BTW I think calling it an "episode" rather than an "outbreak" or "attack" gives your nervous system a kinder message. I was rejected a few months ago for the first time ever by a guy because of H; and it struck me then how weird it is that we could have a fullon makeout session for nearly an hour without anyone saying, by the way do you get cold sores? then get rejected for having H genitally. Makes NO sense to me....especially in these days when oral sex is now normal.....but back to you, Canadian Guy. All prospective lovers deserve your respect, it's their call whether they want to be exposed once you do know, in my reckoning of what feeds my own self respect.

I know it's a few months since this post series, but I have to add my thankyou, it is so inspiring. I LOVE the idea of "Shit people say when you tell them you have herpes", it's not only hilarious but you're right, humor is SO good for taking away the power of the stigma. Besides I've never yet met a guy who asked me if I get cold sores before he kissed me! I was diagnosed 18 years ago, the guy I was with then was okay with it; I've recently had my first disclosure, I found it very difficult and probably disqualified myself in advance; and yes it was a deal breaker. After being so long in my previous relationship, it felt like my first disclosure, have only just realised it was my second. Thank you all for your optimism; the man who chose not to continue "seeing" me did acknowledge my integrity in telling him, and how difficult it must have been for me, so there's some consolation. It's the only way to go though, couldn't bear to have to deal with passing it on to someone who didn't knowingly take the risk. I'm learning to lighten up about it; increasingly able to be present to it as a fact. It's just part of me, like needing to wear contacts. I'm a package deal, as are we all. Thank you so much for this site, it is wonderful to be able to share and to read the sharing of others.