lively

yes you certainly deserve better; and I do think that when we say "you hurt me" we give people too much power. It's always our choice to feel hurt, ownership gives us power. Then we can make our own choice on whether we allow that person the honor of our company or not. It's such a liberation to grow out of people pleasing and discover who we really are. Pleasing is lovely, as long as we have the clarity to not do it at the expense of selfcare. Most self respecting folk understand that. If not, probably not your people.

Wow that's quite loaded isn't it, being both your cousin and a future doctor. I agree with Adrial, it's certainly your call to follow your own sense of how to deal with it. You can certainly educate without disclosing, and if he's a thinking kind of guy, he would appreciate it given the effect on his future career and his future patients. Also he may not realise (as jokers often don't) how much it hurts a significant portion of the population, including some of his FB friends who he hasn't even thought might have H. It's just unthinking, and an opportunity for you both. If you tell him the statistics of how many people have it, he may see it as a big social faux pas, and appreciate the opportunity to take his foot out of his mouth. I'm sure you won't be the only one hurt or offended.

YES!!! Shame free STDs, Adrial you rock! You know I reckon it's all a leftover from historic fear of sex itself...the forever fear of pregnancy and social shame, and the not-so-far-back days when STDs that we now control by antibiotics ran rampant and brought blindness (really!), + terrible consequences to the body. It's the ONLY thing that explains the ridiculous shame levels that we get ourselves and that are imposed on us. We are THE NEW PARADIGM! So it takes us some effort to educate. We are on the edge of social change, and I'd bet it's not the first time for most of us to be there in some way.

One other thing I just thought of SBS, is maybe you could find it in your heart to give this girl the benefit of the doubt until she shows you she doesn't deserve it. I get she's done some things that have hurt you, but she may just be ignorant rather than directly malevolent. If you put out that she will tell everybody, you are actually pulling that to happen. You could just try on "maybe she won't" even if you do speak your truth. It's so rare that people have the courage to truly speak from the heart and say, " this behaviour (whatever she did) isn't what friendship is to me, my standards for friendship are different from yours, I felt hurt when you did xx", or however you want to say it, you truly may find she respects you more and may respect your confidence. Maybe not, but worth a try even if just to experiment with a different more generous viewpoint. Generosity can be v powerful. You're so welcome, we all give and we all accept here.

You could look at it as an opportunity to educate people. If someone calls you, you could say very lightly, "oh you know what? it's the cold sore virus. It's been around forever, 80% of people have it on the lips, the chance of a guy getting it from me are 2% or less as I know how to take care of myself and my lovers. it's no big deal. Interesting what you learn about friends and confidences though". For those who know about it, they'll learn more. For those who don't, you'll educate. For you, your power will grow immensely as you really learn who matters to you, and who you matter to, and discovering that you are in charge of yourself and of the virus. Anyone who disappears on you after that, let go! I'm at the point where I almost want to brag about it, I'm so tired of the ignorance and the reaction to a simple skin condition that has no adverse effects if well managed. I know this may demand a maturity level you're not ready for, it's ok, your call, file it for the future if you like. ....but don't kid yourself, it costs you dearly to let her knowledge control your expression of your truth.

Hey Virgo girl, great you have met someone! So here's the thing, start imagining that your disclosure is a success! you've already decided that he will reject you. He will sense your shame if you do that. Imagine what a thrill it will be if he's ok with it. Read Adrial's book twenty times, take notes, imagine success; + also imagine that you are fine whatever the result, you are thrilled with your courage and strength. And worst case, if there's one man you fancy big time out there, there are more. Be proud. Read all the success stories on here too. Feed your mind the stuff you want, not the stuff you don't.

Hi Carlos, I love your posts too. This is something I have found useful in this situation. I consider that what made me feel so great was that person's lifeforce. As you say above, that man can still be in your heart. So just try this, if it frees you up, great, if not, just ignore it. Try repeating for a few minutes, "I bless the lifeforce of x, I let it go with love". Somehow it seems to let go easier than letting go of the whole person, whatever the man did, his lifeforce is innocent. I know it's a trick of language, but it does work for me. After a few minutes, I always feel more whole, lighter and happier. Then next time you feel unhappy again, do it again. Seems to drain off the charge pretty easily. Let's know how you go.

Just in posting that I saw some more. We tend to make our own measure of our value and our success in disclosing how the other person responds. This is our big mistake! Now I'm thinking that we need to celebrate ourselves, our integrity and our courage! Regardless of the outcome! So now I'm thinking, okay, what lovely + amazing way am I going to celebrate my self, my integrity and my courage in disclosing to this new guy, regardless of the outcome? Have to decide in advance, as emotional state not predictable. Am thinking simple stuff, maybe perfumed bubble bath, maybe book massage not long after it, maybe elegant lunch with trusted friend....but whatever, decide and arrange in advance so whatever happens, I celebrate my power in choosing the road I take. If he's with me, he's an honored companion. If he's not, he crossed my path for an experience for both of us. I will use the disclosure to make sure he understands that with awareness, meds it's 2% chance he'll get it from me, 1% with condoms, a decision I will leave to him. So even with a "no thanks" I will have educated someone. I think too that in disclosing, it's part of our job to make it safe for someone to say, "I don't know how I feel about this", or "I'm sorry, I just don't think I want to expose myself to this". I think there's less likelihood of lying if we do that. We can let the other know that we are in charge of ourselves (we have to be anyway) and our feelings, and we know it is their decision and it doesn't mean anything if they say no, other than they don't want to risk it. I know this is a big ask, but this is all that I have learned since my last disclosure, that even 18 yrs after diagnosis, was only my second, my first was successful, I was in a new relationship, and we learned about it together. He didn't catch it from me, no condoms, no meds. I didn't even know about shedding then. So if we can be that big and generous with ourselves, then perhaps we can let the other be who they are, and be ok with who we are. Yes it's disappointing when it's a No of course; but it doesn't have to spin us off our own centre for months, like my last one did me. I hope I've learned what I needed to learn from that experience, we'll soon find out. Much love to everyone, Rosie

Adrial I have to acknowledge and thank you once again for creating this amazing space for us all. As I too have recently connected with a man I am very drawn to, there's another experience coming for us all to learn from. I get what you are saying about disclosure and integrity for its own sake. I do feel (and I am practising this now), because we get stuck in "no one will want me" even when we know it's not true, when someone comes along who might want us, and who we want, we forget there are 6Billion people in the world, and we hand over our power even before we disclose. Then we do it, and if the response is not how we'd like, we suffer so much. Jamaica I've been there too, we all have. Now I'm thinking that we have to be okay with our own vulnerability no matter what, so okay in advance that we include the possibility of every response. Not to say it won't hurt, but we don't go around months after the event still hurting. Jamaica, you are who you are, you did the right thing, he wasn't on level with you ........not a judgement, just not where he could meet you. The fact that he lied tells me that he wanted to meet you, he just couldn't. He's not mature enough to deal with your situation, and that is essential for you to know. Now your job is to take care of yourself. Stand tall girl! When you see him, smile and say, "Hi xxxx, how are you", don't stop to find out, just keep walking. It will give you more power than you can imagine. Sometimes you have to fake it til you make it. Start acting, use your body language as if you are over him, and you will find you start to get over him. H is a huge gift in teaching us how much and how often we give away our power to others who don't know they have it so can't give it back. We must take it back. He can't help you Jamaica. If you haven't already contacted him, don't. You're only drawn to him because you want your power back. So take it back. Talk to Adrial about how to learn to take care of yourself emotionally. This is essential learning for being an effective happy adult human being. Eventually we can thank H for bringing it to our attention. So I'm warming up for my next disclosure, won't be for a few weeks as he's overseas, but after the last one (a polite, actually kind, but firm "no thanks'), I'm going gently on myself, too. much love Jamaica. There's stuff to learn and you will learn it here.

Great result, clearly great woman, what a relief for you! Gentle reminder.... Only fair to let her know that condoms do not protect 100%. It's an easy mistake for someone to make if they haven't had to deal with it up close before. Take care of her.

I'm doing this too! it's astonishing to me that with meds, even without condoms, a guy has only a 2% chance in a year of regular sex with us of contracting H. He has a higher chance being with someone who doesn't know they have it! amazing. I'm out there educating too. As has been said elsewhere, we ARE the change we are seeking. Adrial has started a support site, and more! You have started a movement friend, be proud. No wonder we all love you xx

Oh what a load you are carrying! So great that you decided to post, you need to get this stuff OUT of you and on paper (or screen). Yes things come to those who wait, but there's a lot more to do than wait. Consider that how you think and especially how you FEEL draws your world to you. Google this if you want some evidence, there's loads. So all this yucky emotion you have about yourself, your ex, his new girl, your child and your motherhood, before you even think about H and your body, will make sure you cannot move on. Here's a thought for a starting point: 1. set an intention to heal yourself completely, be willing to do whatever it takes. It will take more than you think, or you would have done it already. Only you can decide that you and your life and happiness are worth it. 2. Write your ex a letter you will never send him. I suggest doing this on your computer, and not saving it, so that you will never be tempted to send it, and it will never be sent accidentally. After that, write another one. After that, write another one. Delete them all as you finish them. So you go, Dear (ex), then you empty yourself. Say everything that 's there, no censoring anything. When it's done, close it as if sending it, do not save. Next time you're upset, do another one. It may be the next day, the next week or the next minute. If you do this, you will be amazed how much freedom and space you create by emptying out. You are truly emotionally constipated with hurt and possibly hatred as well. Nothing good can come to you in that state, and yes, it's impossible to FEEL gratitude even though you have things to be grateful for. Do this and then tell us how you went. Consider a session or two or ten with Adrial too. We all feel for you, but you are the only one who can do the work you need to do. It sounds scary, yet just try it! the relief is enormous. Then you will have a clear space to start opening to new possibility. Hang in there girl, get writing.

Thankyou Adrial, you are such an inspiration. This is once again walking your talk in real life, in one of the toughest situations we deal with. It's all very well talking about the way we want to be under pressure; then the thing happens and you discover you really are the way you intended. You are such a wonderful example for people who haven't yet learned the loving ways to break up, the rightness of life no matter what it's doing. Once you can do this. what you are doing now, staying connected and feeling, and not allowing drama or freezing your feelings to hijack your authenticity, new life is possible. I found this way of being has made me fearless in dating. Once you know how to lovingly heal your broken heart by staying with it, letting it feel as it does, it's not scary any more. It's still painful sometimes of course, but you know you are healing and will keep healing. This is also the cost of love, the pain we go through on breakup is the cost of being bold enough to take the risk of loving. I know you think it's worth it. Big love to you.

Wonderful, good for you girl! Thankyou for sharing your story in so much detail, it's really helpful for all of us to hear such a positive disclosure story. Congratulations on your success, your strength and your great guy. Keep us posted :-)

you're so welcome Mikey.

Hi Mikey, Sounds like the stigma has got you! you are giving a wee virus that 80% of people in the western world have way too much power. There's a strange thing that goes on: oddly enough, oral herpes is so normal that unless you have an obvious sore (ok I get that you do right now), no one thinks twice about it. Genital herpes is seen as not only dirty and icky, but sign of promiscuousness by many. It's just the general cultural strangeness about sex showing up in another way. Strange because there are much worse STDs, but I think the stigma comes because H is forever, it's treatable but not curable. So here's the thing: if you have the same cold sore for 3 weeks, your body is struggling. You need to get healthy! Learn about healthy food, quit or cut down on drugs and alcohol, learn how to build your immune system. Use H as your call to up your game in looking after yourself. Usually an untreated cold sore is gone in 10 days; with Zovirax, if you get it fast can be 3 or 4 days, so 3 weeks is a real red flag for self care. Then you need to clear on your emotional response to it, e.g. even calling it ugly means you are thinking of yourself as ugly. So use H as your prod to heal yourself physically and emotionally. It's your call whether you mention HSV1 before kissing. Until I got rejected for HSV2 about 6 months ago, I'd never thought how bizarre it is that no one ever mentions HSV1 before kissing. Given 80% of people have it anyway, apart from keeping your mouth to yourself when in prodrome or sore, I dont' think I would. I'm in my late 50s, been sexually active since teenager. No one has ever asked or told about HSV1 to me before kisssing, nor to anyone I have asked, and I have asked around. Hang in there Mikey, it gets easier.

Wow that's dazzling, how extraordinary. I'm 57, diagnosed when I was 39 but think I had my first episode when I was 31, having thought back. It's a strange thing. We know that many folk who have this virus don't know they have it, so I don't think it's so that everyone has an episode within x time of contracting the virus. Some people never have symptoms, so are much more likely to pass it on. If your husband is negative, then you are one of those. If he is positive, and you have both been faithful, you may never work out who had it first. That aside, your reaction is normal for sure for a newly diagnosed person. There is something missing in the medical system, but I don't it's what you think. If you've never had symptoms, why would anyone test for it? the bit that's missing to me is that HSV testing isn't part of routine STD testing either here (Australia) or in US. That's just weird in my book, especially as the stigma seems to be stronger in the western world. I'm glad you found this site, it's the best place to be to find you are not alone, it does get easier, and there is a lot of help. Who would have thought the Virgin Mary could have an STD? Love your humour, it will help you on this journey. Welcome.

Great post Smiles, thanks. Just be aware condoms do not protect, I got it for sure from someone I used a condom with. It does have the advantage of never having had it internally; still I would use condoms even with a man who had it as I don't want it internally. So while the 1% is true (thank God!), it's important not to perpetuate the myth that condoms protect us from all STDs. Love your positivity and capacity to put things in a new perspective.

Oh this is such a great thread! great to see your new name, Ms Funloving! just want to underline something else that can be useful, as your experience, being such a common one of men as well as women...the lovely new lover disappearing I mean...here's an opportunity to notice how much we allow other people's actions to dictate how we feel, especially how we feel about ourselves. You can learn to feel as you choose.......it takes a bit of learning as it's not culturally normal, but nothing beats personal power. Look at all that upset you went through, and he was just having a think! Just to add another bit, I'm fascinated by dating distinctions, especially now in the age of neuroscience. It seems men sometimes disappear like your guy when they are actually considering the relationship as a serious possibility and having a checkin with themselves. Being less directly connected with deep feeling than women, they sometimes have to disconnect from us to be able to feel their own feelings...+ being less the communicators than women are, they don't think to say to us, btw I need to go and be alone for a bit. John Gray and other relationship experts talk about this quite a bit. Also have heard men disappear when they are really disappearing because they don't want to deal with female fury. Both have been true in my experience, would love some feedback from the men here.....

Adrial, everything Lelani said again, in a rush but couldn't pass on acknowledging your post. Thankyou for having the raw courage to go out into the world proclaiming your + our humanity, and the possibility for everyone in adversity. It's an honour being part of your / our community and making a difference in the way we do as we live our precious lives. On a personal level, double acknowledgement....as a fledgling coach myself, in process of mustering the courage to step out into cyberspace too....xx

I send you love beauty peace and power. Hang in there girl, learn to love yourself, you can add to your mirror exercise, "I attract only worthy men, who honor me". Your creative power is limitless, you can use this yucky experience to point you in the direction of discovering your own power. Use it to learn something bigger than the pain, that's how you reclaim your power. Big sister hug coming across cyberspace! xxx

Oh how painful, darling girl. I so get your pain, many of us women have been through this situation, a man romances us, we think it's real, he gets what he wants and he's out the door without a word. You are not alone. Deep breathe, and pull your power back! do not let him have you feel this way, he's the one who's insignificant, NOT you! Would you treat anyone like that? Look at that girl in the mirror and say, You are beautiful strong and loving, and learning to love yourself more. Then say it all again with "I" instead of "you". Something else to consider: as we've noted before, language is powerful. I respectfully suggest you consider changing your user name here. If you keep calling yourself "lonelygirl" guess what you are creating? you could be joyousgirl, or lovinggirl, appreciatedgirl............choose your own, feel free to use one of these!

Not happening in this part of the cyberworld...

thanks so much for sharing this Emily. So inspiring ... especially for those here who are newly diagnosed. Wishing you angelic times...

Happy birthday Lelani, Janice. Your spirit touches me too, your Light shines. I hope to be illuminated for a long time to come. Big love to you, have a great day celebrating the gift you are x PS everyone, my name is Rosie.